Sunday, October 24, 2010

What's Wrong With This?

Hannah has started in with a really STUBBORN streak. We tell her to pick up her toys and she stares us down and flat out says no.

Shane told her to pick up her toys tonight and she looked at him and said "NO!" Shane said, "Fine, then all your toys are going in the garbage."

He picked up every last toy of hers and put them into a garbage bag and put them with the trash outside. He said "You don't tell daddy no. When I ask you to pick up your toys, you pick them up. Say goodbye to your toys." She just looked at him and smiled.

In that same moment, Caleb started sobbing. He doesn't want his sister's toys in the garbage. (That boy seriously has a heart of gold.) He wants her to have toys to play with.

What is wrong with this picture?! Hannah could care less, and Caleb is sobbing.

(She will be earning her toys back for good behavior- they aren't really in the garbage!)

28 comments:

grammie09 said...

I have done that before and it will work. She is just trying you out to see the reaction. Praying for you always.....

Lindsay Partridge said...

Good job to Shane for sticking to his guns and following through! Poor Caleb though...what a sweet boy!

The Hands said...

I don't know the age of your daughter, but if I had to guess, I would say three. That third year can be a struggle. I've found that one of the trickiest things to figure out as a parent is how to come up with an age appropriate discipline (on the fly) for a disobedient child. It's a challenge, but I know you've read the best parenting Book of all, right?! (The Bible) Happy Parenting.

Angi said...

Oh, fun times!!! Rylan just hit that phase recently as well. It really sucks because he is SOOOO dramatic when he gets punished, sometimes I weigh if dealing with the reaction is even worth it. ha!!

I know his behavior was horrible for a few weeks after Jude was born. Even though his life really wasn't disrupted all that much in July, he still knew something was up. So maybe some of Hannah's behavior is just a reaction and will calm down eventually. Maybe, hopefully for your sake! ;-)I'm a stubborn person, and Rylan is just like me. Some of the battle of wills that take place here are brutal! You are not alone!! <3

Paula B said...

Shane and you took a very firm ground on this issue. We have toys that are going to be gone through. Pretty bad when you can't put the sweeper back in the closet because of too many toys. That is our challenge this week. Weed through the toys and put most of them .in storage.

Anonymous said...

I have a Hannah and she is only 9 months old. I promise you she will pull that on me someday. Her older brother sounds similar to Caleb and he would be crushed to see her toys go away...but mostly because then she might be after his!

Three Ring Circus said...

Aww bless his heart! What a sweet little boy you have! LOL Hannah sounds a lot like my Kami! My girl is VERY stubborn and I had to do something very similar with her today! She's 3 and we were outside playing and she threw all of the sand box toys all over the yard, it was time to go in and I told her to pick them up. She said NO. I said OK if Mommy has to pick them up, they are going in the trash. She still wouldn't pick them up, so I proceeded to carry a couple toys to the garbage can outside, and she decided she wanted to pick up her toys LOL. However, her brothers could care less if their sister's toys get thrown away!

Stacy Michelle Barry said...

I have the same problem at my house. I will say to Dorothy "pick up your toys or you are going to time out!" She then walks over to our time-out spot and says "two minutes mom!" What do you do then?

Hope's Blog said...

Yeah...for some reason the garbage trick doesn't work with my 4 year old son either. He earns them back, but then does something else...it is an endless cycle. Good luck to you...I hope it works for you!

Amy said...

hehe.. We have done that several times. My son always cries, and my daughter just says, I was tired of playing with those toys. Sometimes she will surprise us and say, ok, Mommy, we can find another kid that doesn't have toys, and they can have mine. But then a few minutes later she gets upset about having no toys. :)

Ambizzle said...

I had to do that with my daughter a few months ago (she'll be 3 in Dec.) I had that bag of toys in my closet for weeks. when she finally got them back, they were like brand new toys for her!

p.s. she still tells me no and argues like crazy, she's just full of spirit and we have to pick our battles or else everyday would be a battle!

Carolina Carters said...

So funny! Hannah sounds just like a little guy I know. "No" is becoming a little too regular around here too!

How old is Hannah?

baby foot fluff said...

i put my son's toys in the "garbage" really i just put them in my car. i guess it worked because if i bring out a garbage bag he starts putting his toys away as fast as he can. LOL

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

To all of you that asked and guessed...Hannah is 2 1/2 and just like her mama! she is feisty and stubborn! :o)

Robin said...

The weight of what recently happened in your family might also be playing a part in her acting out. This may be how she knows to let out her fear and sadness?

ArizonaIntactivist said...

Ha ha ha...just have to laugh at Hannah's feistiness!

Jenn said...

My dad died suddenly when I was 6 and my brother was almost 3. We both most definitely acted out more because of it. I know it's not the same thing exactly, but (as you know too well) it's hard for kids to process such a tragedy, and especially hard for a little girl who doesn't have words to express how she feels yet.
I will be praying for extra wisdom for you and Shane as you try to find the balance between boundaries and grace while dealing with your grief.

Beth W. said...

I am sure she's grieving the loss of Joshua too. Kids can sense that kind of stuff. Stand your ground, don't give up. She'll learn in her own time. Don't you think that as adults we can be the same way? Don't want to do something, God teaches us we have to be humble and obey. It starts young and we have to learn the same lesson in different ways as we grow up (physically and spiritually). With my 3 yr old Abbie I have to sit with her and make her put one toy away at a time. I'm sure sooner or later she'll learn how to do it by herself but for now, one toy at a time it is. Small steps get you there too. Have a great time visiting Kirsten. I have been praying for her too. Safe travels.

Joonluv630 said...

Good for you guys! It'll work, give it some time. I have an infant so I don't know personally but I've worked with many families over the years and this is exactly what I suggest to them. Thumbs up! Btw, it's amazing how two children in the same family, raised the same, can have two different personalities. Very sweet of Caleb to react that way!

Angela said...

First of all, my sympathy for the loss of your son. I have one child, Joshua, who is my world. I cried when I read your blogs to your sweet baby.

Secondly, we have thrown Josh's toys in the trash, and it did work...for a while! =) He's not a redhead, but he's pretty fiesty, and is always testing the limits. He's nine now, almost 10, so the last threat was to empty out his room and put his stuff in a POD in the driveway. That worked...for a while! =)

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

She's two ... enough said! However, just one thought. When my daughter was young, I discovered it helped to break down the "pick up your toys" into a more manageable job for her. I would tell her to pick up all the red toys (when she knew her colors) and then all the square toys and then all the dollies, etc. It seemed to not overwhelm her as badly. I also agree she is probably acting out more because of the situation. She knows something has changed drastically ... as you said, you aren't showering, cooking and cleaning ... she sees you cry all the time ... it is unsettling for her. I remember when my mom was depressed for a few months when I was about 12 or so ... it scared me to death!
Give her lots of hugs and kisses and just keep working at it. It will be a battle for a while yet I am sure, but we have ALL been there! Praying for you all.

Janice4Him said...

Of what fun...My friend had a similar problem with her daughter. Instead of telling her she was putting the toys in the trash, the toys went into a laundry basked in the garage for time out. One day, her little 3 year old refused to do something so her Mom picked up the Teddy Bear to take him to time out. 3 year old say this and said, "Oh No Teddy. Not time out for you too!" I know that it seems as if this stage lasts forever, but it really only lasts another 17-18 years!LOL Still praying for you and your entire family

Deidre said...

Thinking of you today. Just wanted to drop by to show some love! Still praying!

TwinCitiesLynn said...

Try choices. This age is all them becoming independent. Instead of saying "time to pick up toys" try "do you want to use the basket or the bag to pick up your toys" or whatever 2 choices you can do. I used to have to do that to my son All.The.Time. If I went down the entire breakfast choices, it was no to everything. But if I said do you want toast or a banana, he would choose one. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I don't want to scare you but my boys have done this same thing for years. They are 2 1/2 years apart and the younger one does not care if the toys disappear. The older one cries (he is now 7)! It will get better. She will care. It just may not be for a while. Until then, if Caleb is like Ben, he will pick them up for her or talk her into picking them up herself. Big brothers are helpful in that way!

We pray for you and your family everyday! Positive caring thoughts are being sent.

Carrie S.

Elliott said...

My daughter will be 3 in December and is the same way-so defiant and could care less about consequences!!!

Obviously, like other people have mentioned, her little world has been turned upside down as well, but I think you are right in holding your ground. I think that, especially in times of uncertainty, chaos, fear, etc, we all (but especially kids) need to be able to predict what will happen, to have a rhythm to our day and to know what is expected of us.

Auntie M said...

Perhaps this is part of her reaction to your recent loss. Maybe she doesn't care if toys can be taken away if brothers can be taken away??? Just a thought. I know defiance is hard to deal with...but perhaps her saying "NO" is an unsophisticated way of trying to feel in control in her life~and perhaps testing you. She too has been through a loss and may be searching for ways to express it, to try to make sense of it all.
I briefly glanced at some of the other comments and have to agree with those who suggest choices in the parameters of cleaning up and also a schedule~predictability.
I also have to say that I am forty and when I read this realized that I still have an area of forgiveness to work on in my life: I don't think I've ever forgiven my step-father for doing the same thing to me when I was 4-1/2 or 5...and can still feel that feeling of having no voice: he didn't listen to what I was trying to tell him in regards to the ongoing game I was playing with the toys that I wanted to continue the next day...and my life had had some upheavals (mom remarrying, having a new baby): I just wanted a voice.
Just food for thought...

Anonymous said...

While this is pretty normal behaviour for a 2 year old, there is no doubt that she is dealing with her own grief in her own way. She is also probably bewildered by what is going on at home - in your grief, you are not the Mommy that she is used to. That is not meant as any sort of criticism - just a factor into the WHY of her behaviour. The other WHY factor that jumps out is that Mommy isn't doing the cleaning, etc, so why should she? Again - absolutely no critcism here.
The other concerning part, though, is Caleb's reaction. I think that the loss of toys may very well be echoing the loss of his brother.
Right now, they need hugs and patience and understanding. I agree that either offering choices - are you going to put your toys into the bin or the bag tonight? and breaking it down into smaller "bites" - I like the red toys, square toys idea. Sometimes, they just need a parent to"help" I'll pick up these ones and you do those ones,idea. Finally, if all eles fails, sit down with her, and use "hand over hand" to make her pick them up as requested.

 
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