Sunday, August 29, 2010

Not sure what to think...

This weekend has been exhausting, wonderful, and has stretched me thin.

Shane brought the kids out this weekend. This was the first time I have seen them in just over a week. I've missed them to the point that my heart ached, and it was so good to see them run to me and feel their tiny little arms around me- loving me. We got to spend some quality time together before things got a bit rough for Joshua.

Joshua started having some major withdrawl symptoms from the pain medicaitons he was on. He started shaking, sneezing, and crying almost uncontrollably- which then causes his O2 to drop and his heart rate and blood pressure to raise which results in him turning purple. He also developed a low grade fever. My poor baby was miserable.

Then came the hard part. Choosing between children. This has emotionally exhausted me. I felt guilty being at the hospital trying to comfort Joshua, and I felt guilty being away from the hospital while my newborn baby was miserable and alone in his room. I was miserable at the hospital and miserable away from the hospital. It was a no win situation.

Shane and the kids are going home today. I'm trying to spend as much time with them as I can, and I'm trying (REALLY TRYING....) not to feel guilty about it. I know I can't do it all but I don't want any of my babies to suffer because of it.

In other news, Joshua is going back to the NICU tomorrow (basically the step down unit to work on feedings.) He has been getting feedings through the NG tube (nose feeding tube) for almost 24 hours. He's doing great on it and they are going to up his feedings today. He's also not on any medications except for tylenol, baby asprin, and methedone to help with the withdrawl. He's doing great and is such a sweet baby. If only we can get him through this withdrawl stuff.


ok, so I lied! But not on purpose! :o) I didn't realize that Joshua is in fact on other medications. (I knew that was too good to be true!!!) He is on lasix and captopril. The Captopril is for his heart and the lasix is to help keep the fluid off of him and keep him out of heart failure. He will be on both of those two as well as the baby asprin until his next surgery and probably after that as well.


Amy Schroeder said...

Withdrawl is the worst! Logan has always felt much better with the methadone, so I hope it works for baby Joshua as well.

Hang in there Mama, the heart baby guilt is par for the course, but it will get better!

Hope's Blog said...

Withdraw is horrible. Hope had it every time and I always feel so bad for her. Joshua will work through it and I know you are looking forward to working on his feedings.

I wish I could give some advice on not feeling guilty, but I really can't. I felt guilty when my boys were at home and guilty when I was home with them. It will be so much easier when you are all home may not seem like it at first, but it really is going to be great!

Paula Blackstone said...

My heart goes out to you, mommy. I am hoping maybe next Saturday I can make a trip to Indy to see you. Give my little Popeye a kiss from me and Katie. We love you guys. We miss you.

nabrissa said...

when you say " until his next surgery" there, at the end of the edit note, which one are you referring to, at what point is he getting another surgery? are you talking the next open heart one when's his a little older or another one in the near future?

Glad you got to see Caleb and Hannah!! they must've been sooooo happy and relieved to have seen you, even if just for a little bit...
As for the guilt, you know i can't relate, but i can sort of imagine a little and sounds aweful!!! sorry about that :(

Poor JOshua with this withdrawal... i'm praying...

Amy Bennett said...

Ah, the guilt. I wish I had some great advice for how to get through it, but I don't. I had a REALLY hard time with it, probably because our hospital is in the same town as we live, and Bodie was in the hospital for a ridiculously long time, so I felt like I was constantly having to make the choice between which child I was going to spend time with. No parent should have to make that choice. And yet, we heart moms make it on a daily basis. :-( I totally agree with Hope's mom - it gets easier once you have everyone under one roof. I still have days when I feel like I'm failing them both, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was when Bodie was in the hospital. Hang in there mama - and keep praying hard!!!

Oh and the withdrawal - I know how bad it is. Bodie had a REALLY hard time coming off the morphine both after his Norwood sano and the BT/pacemaker surgery. He ended up going home on Lortab after his pacemaker surgery. You think you'll never get through it, but you will, I promise!!! And then you'll wonder why you were ever worried!

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