But....sorry....it was going to come sooner or later! So we might as well just get it out of the way now.
Today is Aug. 1. Today is also 37 weeks. I thought at one point this weekend that I was going into labor. I still think I might have lost my plug. I'm begging my body to hang on just 2 more weeks.
We have been waiting for this month to come since December. All those long weeks of bedrest and bleeding, worry, and fear, and we thought we weren't ever going to be able to celebrate this month. We thought my due date would come and go and nothing noteworthy would happen that day. We expected Joshua to not have a due date. But time went on. My body held on, Joshua continued to fight, and God knew the plans he had for us.
I'll admit. My insecurities are starting to rear their ugly heads- telling me that I'm not going to be good or strong enough. My fears try to get the best of me. My lack of self confidence makes me terrified of the future.
But I have no choice. Time is going to continue. This child is going to arrive. He is going to be pefect- broken heart and all. And I will just have to get over my insecurities, lack of self confidence, and fears and fight for my baby boy's life. Or maybe I should say it this way, I am just going to have to continue to give those things over to God rather than cling to them and hide behind them.
I have to remind myself that God is with me. Walking with me- often times carrying me because I can't seem to find my footing. I keep reminding myself that if I allow him to, Satan is going to use my fear and insecurities to paralyze me. He will use those things to destroy our life. I can't give him that power.
Where does that leave me right now? Taking one day at a time. Getting through my last morning at church as Children's Ministry Coordinator, taking my kids to the beach with Shane, having a picnic, and coming home for a nap. It means enjoying the kicks that feel like they are going to burst through my side. It leaves me laying my fears at The Alter and continuing on- one day one moment at a time.
2 comments:
Oh, Jill. I will be where you are so soon. I have no idea what I'm in for on so many levels: this being my first baby: What will labor be like for me? How will I handle it?
And then there's this question, too: the one that we share. How will it be going through all this hurt and wondering, watching our boys go through surgeries and procedures. Waiting, more waiting, and praying like crazy that like so many people have been telling us, that everything really will be okay.
Someone dared to tell me when we found out about Ewan's heart that old and untrue cliche about "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle." Baloney!! If we could handle it, we wouldn't need Him. I think this is one of those times where (and I'm thinking we're probably a lot alike in this area -- correct me if I'm wrong!!) we tend to want to do it ourselves: to rely on our abilities, our experiences, our know-how -- but we will be so far outside the realm of the familiar and the realm of our ability and prior experience that we will NEED Him so much more than we ever realized. This all is definitely WAY MORE than we can handle.
I don't know what it means really to let Him carry you, to let Him carry me. But I think we're going to learn. That's what I'm hoping and praying for. Your Joshua is so loved, not just by his family, but by His heavenly Father and to a degree we cannot fathom. I know you know this.
What I don't know is what else to say. I've already become a blog hog here. Ha!! Sending you great big heart hugs and prayers. We will continue praying as this journey is so close to really getting to the exciting part.
During some very dark days in the beginning of Logan's journey I clung tightly to this psalm:
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip — he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
Hang in there. I know it is easier said than done but I know you can do it. The finish line is within sight and that beautiful blessed boy will be placed safely in your arms. I know it all seems so overwhelmingly scary but you will get through this. Your FEAR will NOT conquer you. Your FAITH is always stronger than your fear. HOPE endures all things!
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