Sunday, July 25, 2010


I'm having a bit of a pity party tonight. Don't feel sorry for me, and don't pity me. Don't even bother reading this if you don't want to. Like I said, it's a bit of a pity party.

I'm so frustrated at the unfairness of this entire situation.

Shane and I have had some discussions lately that just make me reel with anger and frustration. Discussions about the care of Caleb and Hannah. Discussions about who is coming to Indy to be with us during surgeries, and what not. Discussions about when our house sells if we will stay in Huntington or move elsewhere. Discussions about jobs, finances, and life in general.

The thing that keeps coming back to me is that this entire situation IS NOT FAIR. Not fair to Caleb and Hannah. Not fair to Joshua. Not fair to our family. Not fair period.

Why do we have to have these discussions? As if life hasn't given us our fair share of crap to deal with over the past year, why do we have to deal with this on top of it?

Why does Joshua have to go through life worried about his heart? Why will his future wife and children have to deal with the medical uncertainty of his future? Why do we have to worry about what his future will look like? WHY?

Why do Caleb and Hannah have to go through this? What have they done to deserve their lives being turned upside down? Why do Shane and I have to fight over stupid crap that should be a non issue- all because we are cracking under the stress and pressure...

I'm so frustrated with the unfairness of it all. Heart defects are unfair. Life is unfair and I'm tired of it.


Melinda said...

A friend of mine posted a comment on Facebook today that I loved, although I can't say that I'm in a place that I "needed" it. After reading this post, I wanted to pass it on to you, as I think it will be more of a comfort to you than to me:

"The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."

I *think* it is a loose paraphrase of Jeremiah 29:11 and I thought it was just wonderful--I hope that it helps you just a little bit in this tough time! Hang in there...and never feel guilty about posting your feelings on your blog. Your feelings are always true, valid and worth and, frankly, what are blogs for?

nabrissa said...

just read this...after i wrote you that last message...i guess this gives me a hint of what's going on... :( ... i'm soooooo sorry you are so're right, it isn't fair at fact, it sucks trememdoulsy... why did sin have to ruin the beautiful picture GOd had designed of what life and our communion was supposed to look like?!?! This is not what it should've looked should've been fair... i'm sorry for your pain and frustration and anger!!! it is legitimate, just remember that he is there to walk through it all alongside you...he's not left you to fend for yourself in all of this!!! i love you!

Jenny Lincoln said...

It is not fair. And it is very frustrating and scary but you CAN do it. Life has gotten to a point with Aly that her heart is on the back burner, so to speak. Life is just NORMAL for us. When I was pregnant, I didn't know that it ever would be that but it is. And it can be for little Joshua too. Yes it is a rough and scary road in the beginning, but that part doesn't have to last forever. Keep your amazing faith Jill and God will see you and your family through this.
Heart hugs,

Stefenie said...

It is definitely not fair and you will find that there will be more times ahead where you will feel this way. CHD takes a toll on, dad, siblings, grandparents, friends, etc. No one is left unaffected by it.

However along the way you will find that there are so many MORE times that you will see past the unfairness and be so thankful for the JOY you get to experience because if this. Jill I can't tell you what an incredible feeling Joshua and his special heart are going to give you. It is one of the purest most incredibly amazing feelings you will ever have.

Yes, it is not fair for so many reasons but I thank God each and every day that He gave Logan to us. Keep the faith Jill! I know it is so hard when there are so many unknowns and what you do know seems so scary! {{{HUG}}}

kirsten michelle said...

I know today is a new day and all that, but I so resonate with where you're at. I think we can expect to cycle through these types of emotions: anger, frustration at the lack of fairness and the lack of control we have, all of that. I know there are times when I'm really accepting of it, too.

It doesn't make it easier, but it is okay to feel that way. Parenting a family is challenging enough without tossing extra challenges like a CHD into it.

You can do this -- er, GOD can do this. And He's using you.

hugs, sister.

kirsten michelle said...

I'm not sure if you saw this or not when I posted it to the Team Ewan blog last week, but I found this piece on the Saving Little Hearts Blog from an adult ToF survivor who has an amazing attitude about his heart defect. He's just a few youngers than me and like I said: his attitude is incredible. He considers his CHD a gift from God.

I can only hope and pray that our boys have the same *heart* about their heart conditions one day:

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