Thursday, June 10, 2010

fear, frustration, and insecurity

Fear, frustration, and insecurity are trying to rear their ugly little heads today.

Fear about the future. Fear about Joshua. Fear about not being good enough. Fear of losing everything. Fear of having to depend on others for our every need. Fear of money.

Frustration with having to sell our home. Frustration with the constant mess that is our home. Frustration that there are so many things that need to be done, and our lack of resources hinders them. Frustration from the student loans that are our big financial hardship that I obtained for a degree that I will probably NEVER use again. Frustration that my eyes don't seem to like me lately and are not working correctly. Frustration that we have been told to not put any more money into our house because of the sale. Leave it as is, because someone will buy it "as is."

Insecurity that I won't be a good enough mother for Joshua. Insecurity of my weight gain. Insecurity from the lack of finances. Insecurity of not being a good enough friend, and losing the close realtionships that I have. Insecurity of being completely selfish, self absorbed, and controling. Insecurity of not knowing the future, and not being able to control a darn thing. Insecurity of the decision that we are making to rent a house for the next few years. Insecurity that we are failing Caleb and Hannah. Insecurity that my husband may not really be happy with where we/he is in life.

Take this from me God. It is yours. I'm not going to dwell on it any longer.

5 comments:

Molly said...

Pryaing for you Jill. I love this quote I found the other day...

"To be a Christian is to live dangerously, honestly, freely — to step in the name of love as if you may land on nothing, yet to keep stepping because the something that sustains you no empire can give you and no empire can take away."

Love you.

nabrissa said...

i love you... you are not a bad friend!!!
Satan's best tool is using fear and insecurity to paralyze us spiritually, physically, emotionally, psychologically and in every other way, because that will not only destroy us, it will also eventually destroy anything (ministries for example) and any relationships we have been blessed with... He will take us at our most vulnerable points and point the finger at anything and everything He can think of, to make us feel like we're not worth it and that we should just give up on everything, on everyone, on God...basically he just wants us to give up, to become hopeless! We have Hope in the Lord, as you WELL know!!!Don't let him take your eye off of that! Read some of your older posts ,and in doing so, be reminded of how, through it all, the Lord continues to reveal himself PRESENT in your life, in your struggles, in your times of rejoicing, in your marriage, in your family etc... Always there to rejoice with you, to cry with you, to carry you through, when you have no will left on your own to do so, to carry you through and get you to the other side... So many Amazing things could come/have come out of all this hardship, not necessarily amazing things for you, or you only, but amazing things none the less(encouragement, hope, incredible relationships; blessed things), some for your family perhaps, but also, incredibly so, for the people you come in contact with through your blog, or/and in person: through the closet, with your doctors, realtors, coffee D people who can hear everything about our lives when we get together there (LOL) etc... Sometimes he has us carry heavy burdens, not just to test US, or teach US something as we're often taught, sometimes he has us go through some of these things for the sake of others too, not just for our sake; that is part of what we agree to when we choose to live for/with him...Jesus was a fine example of that. Either way, through it all, the Lord is present and promises to never leave us, NOT EVER, especially not through the hard times, so rely on him for encouragement and some joy, and look forward to and begin rejoicing for the blessings this will bring about, or maybe that all of this is already bringing about/has already brought about, for you and for soooooo many others who have been touched, and whose hope has been renewed through it all :)

alright so i just wrote a book...i should probably stop now... i love you...

Christine said...

*hug* I know it sucks, but you are handling it tremendously. You are strong and you know when to share your burden, that is a blessing too.

The Cox Family said...

Love you girl!

Carla Sue said...

I feel like after Nabrissa's book, I have nothing new to say...

I know that I tease you endlessly about being a bad friend, but when I need help, you're there. It's human nature to feel these things, whether in your situation or not. We all struggle with feelings of fear, frustration and insecurity. I know I do. I try to do it all. Be superwoman. And I know you do too. Sometimes, it's okay to step back and say, "no, today, I'm going to not indulge in this or that." and we all love you enough to say "ok"...

you are strong and amazing and have such a great faith in God that the Devil is trying to make you second guess. Live life without regrets babe. Take the time to make the best decisions you can at the situation you're in. Then leave them. If you do screw up, ask for forgiveness or say "sorry" and move forward. Caleb and Hannah and Shane see you for who you are, not what you can provide, not what mistakes you've made, but for your love. Your love for them and your love of God.

And I love you. I'm here if you need me. :)

 
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