Friday, June 11, 2010

Prayers for a complete miracle.

I really struggle with this, maybe you guys can help me muddle my way through it.

There have been so many prayers on Joshua's behalf for a miraculous healing of the left side of Joshua's heart. That he would come out whole and healthy. That he would prove to the world that God is a god of miracles.

Those very prayers have come from the mouths of both Shane and me. We want nothing more than for Joshua to come out completely healed. We fully believe that God can do that if He so chooses.

Then why is it that I get so annoyed when people pray this way? I just want to scream when they do. I want to punch them in the face (well, not really) when I hear people say "God heal his heart, make him whole and complete so that your glory can be shown. Make yourself evident through the complete healing of Joshua's heart before he is even born."

Don't take my feelings as a lack of faith. I fully believe God can do it. I KNOW HE CAN! There is no doubt in my mind or my heart that he can. However, I know He's not going to. Shane and I have both felt the Holy Spirit say that this is not going to be taken from us. We have both heard the Holy Spirit tell us that it's going to be managable.

I guess one of my frustrations is that God's glory is going to be shown no matter what. It's not going to take a miraculous healing by the personal hand of God to prove that God is alive and working. Healing may come in the form of the hands of the doctors (God working through man). It may come from the arms of Jesus welcoming our sweet baby home. It may happen by God personally reaching down and healing Joshua's heart before he is born. No matter what, God is going to get the glory and He will reveal himself.

At the same time, I question if it is actually a small amount of doubt that is hidden somewhere that makes me frustrated when people pray this way. When I think about it, I say no, that's not the case, but then I wonder. Am I doubting? Am I truly believing? Or am I trusting what we feel we have already been promised?

What do you all think? I want to hear your thoughts.

Edit::: Here is more of my muddling through this thought....i feel like praying for God's complete healing is like not accepting the fact that God has created this child perfect in every way- half a heart and all. I feel like praying for complete healing is like telling God "you were wrong in creating his heart this way." I fully believe that God has created joshua whole and complete just the way he is now. By praying for complete healing, I feel like we are telling God that this child is not perfect and that mistakes were made. God has created this heart like it is for a reason. I don't understand it. I can't comprehend it at this point, but there is a reason for it.

Please don't take my frustration as ungratefulness for the prayers going up on our behalf. We have felt every prayer and we know that God hears each one. I am beyond humbled by the amount of people praying for us and for our sweet Joshua. This is just me simply trying to figure out my faith, what I believe, and how I should live this out. This is still me grieving, processing, accepting, and growing.


Christine said...

Hmm... this is a tough one... I have lots of people praying for that same miracle and I think its almost like I get defensive. When I'm talking with God about the situation I feel like its a personal discussion with God. But when other people are making that prayer I weirdly feel this pressure like somehow its on me to be a reflection of God's Glory by having a big fat miracle thrown down. However, like you, I feel God has given me this situation to deal with and He probably isn't going to change his mind. He COULD and I'm not discounting that, but sometimes it feels like other humans are kind of pressuring me to have that miracle in my life... weird, right?

The Cox Family said...

I understand your frustration. I'm sure it's some fear. And to the person who posted the above comment, this is Jill's place to vent and think out loud. Don't get offended! This is her personal journal that she shares with all of us about her struggles through all this. She needs a place to do that. It's healthy and it's good! I commend her for sharing her heart and being so open and honest. How many people really are? This is going to be a hard journey and she needs a place to say whatever whenever. We all need a safe place to do this.

Cassie Haskins Polovina said...

To the anonymous writer, Jill aked for people's thoughts on what she wrote and you did just that. Indeed Jill has been open and honest with her feelings and thoughts. And by putting those feelings on a public blog and then asking for comments on it, I believe Jill knows that she could potentially get negative feed back. Jill, it sounds kinda hateful for you to say that you get angry when people pray for Joshua's heart. I know it's yours and my brother's child but it's for anyone to pray over. We should be thankful that sooo many people out there care for you and love you enough to put your family in their prayers. Over the last few months of blogs, you've been saying please pray for me, then it's I don't want pity, then it's a "woe is me" blog about finances, now it's I want to punch people when they pray for a miracle healing. We've talked before about your blogs and I know that you write whatever is on your heart at that moment, but it could be very misleading for your readers. People may come to question what it is that you're looking for. (pray or don't pray, if she doesn't want pity then why does she sound so pitiful at times?) I love you Jill and God wouldn't give you something that you and Shane couldn't handle. You know you have friends and family that will be there for you and are there for you now.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...


First of all my intent was not to say that I'm not grateful for prayers. I want people to pray. I simply don't feel like God is going to give completely healing. I feel like sometimes that prayer feels more like people trying to force their will on God rather than accepting the fact that God's will will be done.

I'm sorry if I sound pitiful and write "woe is me" posts- they are not for pity they are simply a way of me processing what I'm feeling at the time. I would think that you of all people know my heart better than most and know that my intent is not for pity.

I know that you and your family don't quite understand my intent and reasons for blogging- and I don't expect you to. I work through things differently than your family does. I would just hope and pray that you guys know my heart.

And to the anonymous commenter (cassie, if that's you I'm sorry) please know that I do appreciate every prayer that goes up on behalf of Joshua. We have felt every prayer on our behalf and we know that God is hearing them. I am beyond grateful for all of the support and love we have recieved. I'm sorry if you took this post as me not being grateful. That was not my intent.

Cassie Haskins Polovina said...

No that wasn't me. I don't hide behind the word anonymous. (you know me)
Yes Jill, I do know your heart more than most and I understand where you're coming from with your blogs, and if I don't of course I choose to ignore them. I was putting it out there for all the anonymous writers out there and to some readers that don't know you as well as your family does. You are an emotional writer. (although some would say all women are) I'm sure you don't care what others think of your posts, but I just wanted to clarify that being an emotional writer means saying one thing one day and the opposite the next. Not to mention that you're pregnant and going through a hard time right now. ;)

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

just FYI: i took down the anonymous comment.

Christine- the comments that are talking about the post above are not talking about yours. There was a comment below yours that I took down all together!

Veronica said...

I think it just that we heart mamas want to be realistic and not weather further disappointment. We've already been given this special burden to carry and in order to move forward, we continue to imagine carrying it... even when we know that God can choose to take it away.

littlelilly said...

You know Jill, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you are feeling. While I don't know you personally, I have stood in your shoes. No one who hasn't had this experience knows the joy, frustration, happiness and anger that comes along with it. And I promise this won't be the last time that your feelings (or your verbalizing of those feelings) will create controversy. I also felt frustration when people would pray that way for Colin sometimes. Not because I wasn't appreciative or didn't believe that God was capable of such a miraculous thing. However, these babies struggle and fight and are more courageous than any adult I've ever laid eyes on. I know that Colin's survival was a miracle from God, but his fight and determination to live is something I don't ever want anyone to discount or forget. Because it is a beautiful, inspiring thing.

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