Friday, May 28, 2010

One of the hardest things to let go....

Today, I am really struggling with fear. There is so much going on in our lives, and fear is threatening to overtake me.

I know that God is in control. I know that He is near. I know that no matter what, He will always be with us. I know these things.

I also know that I am human. And the fear that I'm experiencing can and will become paralyzing. It's so much easier to say that I'm going to give it up to God than actually doing it.

Here are my fears: (yes, they are real and raw. forgive me- i'm human. they also are not in any particular order...)
1. Joshua dying. Flat out. I'm scared to death that my sweet baby boy is not going to make it. There have been 2 families in the past few days who have had to say goodbye to their baby with the same exact heart defect that Joshua has. For every success story related to HLHS, there is also a story of loss.
2. Losing my job and having to look for another one. This one is a very real possiblibity. Things are changing, and decisions are being made, and I'm scared to death that on top of caring for a heart baby, on top of being a stay at home mom for the first time in my life, on top of the lack of resources, that I am going to have to be looking for a new job as well.
3. The loss of our house, possibly cars, defaulting on school loans. Without me working, I'm not sure how we are going to make it. We are trying to get our house projects finished so maybe we can get the house on the market before foreclosure becomes a reality we will have to face.
4. Losing my marriage. Things are good right now. Shane and I are leaning on each other to get through this. But how is it going to work while I'm gone? How is our family going to function while finances are tight, I'm caring for 3 children- 1 of whom will have special needs, and he is working and trying his hardest to make ends meet. How are we going to come out on the other end of this trial? Stronger than ever or distant and frustrated?
5. Caring for a heart baby. I am being tossed into a world that I know NOTHING about. Heart anatomy, oxygen levels, feeding tubes, surgeries, PICU, NICU, doctors, nurses, medications. What if I mess up? What if I'm not consistant enough? What if I'm not persistant enough? What if I make the wrong choices regarding his care? What if I'm too trusting of doctors who may not have Joshua's best interests at heart?What if I'm selfish? What if I'm not cut out for this? What if, what if, what if.....
6. Loneliness. I have said it before. (it's taken me a long time to not feel guilty about this....) I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I love working. I love adult interaction. I love friendships. Where does that leave me when we have to pull the kids out of daycare and we are trapped at home with a medically fragile child? Where is my faith going to be when I can't go to church weekly for a good healthy dose of God's word and community with other believers? What about when the help stops coming in and I'm left to do everything on my own? Am I going to drown in depression? Is my faith going to fall?

Like I said, I'm trying to give these things up to God. I'm trying to not give satan a foothold. But it's easier said than done. I've been reading Psalms to try to spend as much time as I can praising God. He is a good God, and ultimately I know He will get us through all of this. He will provide for our every need. He is enough. Jesus is enough. Yet that human side of me wants to fear- almost NEEDS to fear. I just need to get past this. I just need to continue to pray that God take this fear from me, and surround me with His peace again. I just need to let it go.


Amy said...

I highly recommend Max Lucado's book, Fearless. I'm reading it right now with my women's small group and it's really good and applicable, even for those who have nothing scary happening in their lives. It works for feelings of hopelessness too, which is often my struggle, even more than fear sometimes.

littlelilly said...

Hi Jill,
My husband Jay and I (Misty) are friends of one of the families you mentioned above. We saw your post on their blog and wanted to send you some words of encouragement. We have an 11 year old son with HLHS. It has been a very challenging road, but he is a very happy and healthy child. Like you said above, we know too that for every success story there is a sad one to go along with it, and no one can tell what God has in store for us. We DO know that through Colin we have been blessed beyond words and have grown closer to each other and lots of other families who love these babies with hearts big enough to make up for the parts they might not have. I completely understand your fears about not being ready or equipped for little Joshua, and to that I can say that I don't think that any of us are ever ready for something like that, I know we weren't. But every step of the way Jay and I have felt the Father's hands on our's and Colin's life and no matter how difficult things got or what bad (or good) news we received, we knew that He was holding all of us and directing us in His great plan. When Colin was in the hospital for his first surgery, my husband and I "stumbled" upon Matthew 6:33-34 and while it may seem an impossible thing, were truly able to hand Colin to God and know that all of our worry was covered by Him. We will keep you and your family in our prayers and if you have any questions at all, you are welcome to contact us:
Jay and Misty Deason

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