Friday, February 19, 2010

Yes, It's true.....

I am tired.

I've had several people tell me just yesterday and today that I look sad or tired. Does that surprise anyone? I guess it surprised me. I don't feel like I look tired or run down. Heck, I actually blow dried my hair today and put on mascara! I also wore jeans and a sweater instead of the usual sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt.

But I guess my true emotional state may be coming through physically. I'm not trying to hide how I really feel. I think my blog has been a testimony to that. I'm not afraid to show my true emotions, and if that means crying in room full of people then so be it. If you are uncomfortable with that, leave the room!

I have however been trying to remain positive, and have tried to keep my faith as strong (if not stronger) than ever before. But I'm not going to lie. I'm tired.

I've been through a roller coaster of emotions this past week or so. I've been told that my baby is going to die, I've been told that my baby is going to live. I've been told that my life could be in danger, I've been told that there is nothing to worry about. I've been told I can work, I've been told I can't work. I've been told to take it easy, but then I have 2 little ones who tell me otherwise.

On top of all of that, my kitchen is still torn up- we've been living out of a microwave, a dorm size fridge and eating off of paper plates (just trying to do our part to fill up the landfill as quickly as possible). I haven't been able to do laundry, clean the bathrooms, cook meals, do dishes, give the kids baths, or pick up the house. Thankfully, meals have been brought to us, and God has been providing, but it all just adds stress.

I'm tired of the ups and downs. I'm tired of trying to remain strong. I'm tired of asking friends for help. I'm tired of asking family for help. I'm tired of making my daughter cry because I can't pick her up. I'm tired of laying on the dumb couch. I'm tired of looking at the dust that covers my house from the kitchen remodel. I'm tired of making Shane rinse dirty dishes out in the bathtub. I'm tired of worrying about every cramp I feel. I'm tired of worrying about any amount of moisture I feel. I'm tired of worrying about if my baby's heart is still beating. I'm tired of worrying about how we are going to get through this financially. I'm TIRED!

So yes, if you really need to know.... I'm tired. There I said it.

disclaimer: please do not take this post as whining or wallowing in self pity. It's not meant to make anyone feel sorry for me. It's just my thoughts and feelings that I'm vomiting on you all. I'm sorry!


nabrissa said...

i like when you vomit on us :)

i was just going to write you a little note yesterday about how it's okay to not "feel strong" all the time, even though everybody keeps admiring you for it through all this... so i'm glad you're not letting that put pressure on you to act strong all the time, even though you may in fact be just plain old tired and have your weak moments! :)
i have something to tell you about joshua lewis... i'll write you later about it...if i forget, remind me too...i need to tell u...
i love you...

name said...

oh man...i really should proofread my comments before i post them... yikes... hopefully you got my drift...

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