Monday, February 8, 2010

Trust part II

 Just a warning. This post may be raw and emotional. It's just kind of a spew of my feelings and  processing what is going on. Read at your own risk.

Remember that post about trust just a few days ago? Well that post was all wrong. It was a great post to help me process my healing in the trust department. But it only covered one department. The human one. What about trusting in God? That was no where in that post. What an idiot I am. Stupid Stupid Stupid.

Of course I would trust human before fully trusting God. Why wouldn't I? I always do things backwards. Welcome to the story of my life. Why would this be any different?

Looking back at that post, I have to think about what God was feeling about what I wrote. I think He was probably smiling because there has been healing in my heart. I think he rejoices when we overcome any issues that we have, or are at least working towards reconciliation. On the other hand, I think that post probably made him sad or disappointed. I never once mentioned my trust for Him. That entire post was about trusting humans. Where does He come into the picture?

Jumping ahead.....I know He has not caused this hemorrhage that could possibly take the life of my child. I know that he did not inflict this on me because of my lack of trust in Him. It's just something that happened. But now that it has happened, where do I go from here? Am I going to cry and whine and dig my heals into the ground as He is trying to lead? Or am I going to trust and honor and obey?

Quite honestly? The first choice sounds like a better solution. Until I think realistically about it. What good has my whining and crying and fussing done in the past? None. It has brought me heartache, struggle, and frustration masked by a false sense of me being in control until my whole world crumbles at my feet. I'm not going to take that route again. I've learned....and I've learned it the hard way.

What can I learn from this hardship and time of waiting? That only God is in control. I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING. Doctors can't do anything. NO ONE can do anything. Realistically, I could go for my next ultrasound on Friday and find that my baby lies motionless in my womb and his soul and spirit have gone to be with the Great Physician. I could very realistically never hold this child on this side of heaven. Do I cry just thinking about that? Yes. Do I hate the idea of having to explain to my 4 year old that the baby went to be with Jesus? Yes. Do I hate having to trust that God is in control? Honestly???? Yes.... i'm a horrible person, I know....

BUT.....what can I do? N.O.T.H.I.N.G. I'm helpless. I HAVE to give this to God. I HAVE to trust that He is in control. I HAVE to trust that He knows the plans He has for both my family and this baby. What else do I have to cling to? NOTHING! God, I give this to you. Fully and Completely. I'm done trying to do it on my own. You are in control.

Trust. Trust in man is great. Trust in God is freeing. I choose to be free. Thy will be done.

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