Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Trust

Trust has always been a hard thing for me. Well, sorta. I generally trust people easily and completely. I think that is where my problem is. When I meet someone for the first time, I believe their stories, I believe their lives, I believe every word that comes out of their mouth. But sometimes (not always) after getting to know someone I slowly start to discover their true colors and my trust starts fading. I, then, finally reach a point, when all trust is gone, that I have to figure out where I want that relationship to go, or how I am going to fix my distrust in that person.

Within the past few years, I had some (nonromantic) relationships that were based (at least on my part) on trust and respect. But, like always, after a few weeks or months even, I started to see how things really were. Things were said behind my back, promises were made that were broken, and my trust was shattered. I have not been the same since.

I am much slower to trust. I am much slower to develop deep and meaningful relationships. I am leary of over eager people. I question their stories, motives, and desires. I feel like a negative nelly, but it's how I have learned to deal with the heartbreak that went along with previous relationships. I need to be careful.

I've prayed for God to restore my trust in people. I've prayed for forgiveness of past relationships. I've prayed for healing in my heart.

God has slowly been bringing people and situations into my life that are helping me to heal. I feel like I have finally been able to forgive fully, and learn to trust (at least a little bit) again. No harsh feelings towards my past offenders- just compassion and prayers for them.

There are 2 recent relationships that have been very significant in my life over the past 6-9 months. One relationship in particular has allowed me to really think about friendship and what that should look like. It has allowed me to confide in, laugh and cry with, and struggle. It has brought me a friend that I so desperatly needed. It has brought openess, honesty, self evaluation, and accountability to my life- something that has been missing for a long time.

The other relationship has allowed me realize that my opinion matters. My ideas are valid, and when they aren't they are still listened to. I have been allowed to trust in this context again ( geesh, could I be any more cryptic?!) There are no empty promises, no lies, no hurtful words. Pure trust. Pure honesty- whether I like it or not! There is also sarcasm (which we all know is my love language) and a funness to this relationship that previously would have brought up feelings of insecurities and incompetence.

Being able to trust again brings about a feeling of freedom. For so long, I've felt like I've carried this burden around. I've been weighed down by insecurities and a lack of trust. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go, but I'm starting to feel healing in my heart.

3 comments:

The Ag Teacher's Wife said...

I am sorry that you have been hurt by "friends" in the past, but on the same note, I am glad that you now have people in your life that you can trust and confide in. Everyone needs someone who they can have a deep, true, and honest relationship with. Of course, I have that kind of relationship with my husband, but I have a hard time finding female friends that I can completely trust. I have a couple, but they are sixty and over! :O)

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

I failed to mention that my husband has been that person that I can go to about anything. He is my rock and my stronghold (besides God of course...) I'm so thankful that God placed him in my life to provide me with that constant. It's just a matter of allowing others in now. That's the hard part.

nabrissa said...

girl, somehow i missed this post earlier, but i struggle with the EXACT same thing in the EXACT same way and i've thus been changed negatively in the EXACT same way you described and my prayers to change this have been many and EXACTly the same as yours... crazy...

 
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