Devastation and Hope

The news today was not good. On Sunday I was rushed to the ER gushing blood. I thought for sure I was miscarrying. I was 12 weeks. They did an ultrasound and we found a healthy strong heartbeat and a baby squirming around.

I went Monday to meet with my doctor. She said I have a 3cm hemorrhage between the placenta and uterus. If it gets bigger, we will lose the baby, if it stays the same or gets smaller, we should be ok.

I went this morning for another ultrasound and dr. appointment. The hemorrhage has gone from 3 cm to 3 inches in less than a week. The doctor basically told me that it's just a matter of time and that things don't look good. The baby is healthy and strong and growing bigger, but so is the hemorrhage.

She cried right along with me.

Where do we go from here? How do Shane and I get through this? How do we deal with this while still raising our other 2 children? Do we plan for our baby to die? Do we cling to the hope that God can preform miracles? Do we prepare ourselves and guard our hearts? Do we cry? Do we beg? Do we turn our backs on God?

How do we get through this?

I know God has a purpose. I know He has a plan. I know that this WILL be used to glorify Him. But right now, I ask how? How can this be good?

I don't ask God why. I don't ask why this happened to our baby. I don't want to wallow in self pity. It is what it is. God is in control and I will go through it because He has chosen me. I just ask how. How do we get through something like this.

I guess for now, we just have to pray for a miracle. We have to depend on our family and friends who have been so wonderful at offering words of encouragement, love, and prayers. We have to immerse ourselves in God's word, clinging to His every promise. That sounds like a good starting point. I guess that's how we will begin this journey.

I just hope that the person who comes out of this trial is still the person that you readers give way too much credit for having such a great faith. I just hope that the person who comes out of this trial is closer to God- depending on Him for her every breath. I just pray that this person feels the true presence of God with her and her family.

I pray that you, dear friends, will find your relationship with God growing as mine is sure to grow. Or, if you don't have that saving relationship, that this trial will not turn  you away from the love of our good and gracious God. That it will only bring you closer. If my baby has to die, I hope that his death and our trial will help create a new life in Jesus Christ for you.



Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and time to die,
a time to plan and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.


Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.