Capture your Grief Day 5: Memory

There are so many memories. 

51 days worth. 

His lifetime. 

It's hard to choose just one.

Joshua loved his pacifier. 

He was almost exclusively feed through the NG tube. 

We tried breast feeding, 

but since he had such a hard time feeding and gaining weight, 

we decided that pumping was better for him. 

He had a difficult time taking a bottle. 

He gagged and choked with each feeding.

But he loved his paci. 

When he was withdrawing from the pain medications,

 he was grumpy.

He would cry and fuss. 

But the pacifier was his friend. 

Even at his grumpiest, 

he would suck and gnaw on that thing,

all the while, grumbling and growling.

He was such a funny baby. 

When he cried, 

I would pick him up, love on him, 

and then laugh when he growled at me through his pacifier. 

I still have a handful of pacifiers in his memory box. 

Some of them still covered in crust and spit. 

For as gross as it is, I am so comforted by his dirty pacifiers. 

It's a part of him that is still here with me.