Friday, February 17, 2012


"Perseverance is the day-by-day decision to not give up." - Margaret J. Wheatley, author

I'm tired. Extremely tired.

My soul is weary and my heart is broken.

I've lost both my son and my father in 14 months.

I find myself asking, "Who is next?"

I don't think my heart can possibly handle one more loss or crisis.

But, when Joshua died, I didn't think my heart could handle another loss and here we are, 14 months later, dealing with another loss.

It had become a conscious choice for me- Give up, or keep going.

I can't give up. I have 3 small children who depend on me. I have a husband who loves me. I have a life that I HAVE to live. I have a path that God has already laid out for me that I will continue to try to follow to the best of my ability.

My life is different than it was. It will never be the same.

I express my grief through written words and many physical tears. Some think that I am not doing well at all.

But the truth of the matter is, is that I am choosing, day by day, to keep moving forward. To keep trying to become the woman that God has intended me to be, and I'm pretty sure that is all that is required of me.

To some, it doesn't look like I'm moving forward, but I know that I am. I am making progress. I am trying to find a new daily normal that doesn't include my father or my son. I'm trying to not worry about my mother as she makes big life decisions. I can't do it all, so I am choosing to let it go.

So, here I am. Choosing to let the grief out through my words here on this computer, but then closing the computer and moving forward with my day. Loving my children and my husband, taking care of my house, and supporting my mom as best as I know how.

I'm tired. I want to give up, but I must persevere.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,
and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
Hebrews 12:1


Auntie M said...

"...and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." And if not run: at least walk or plod along the path as best we can!

Are you familiar with the poetry of Gwen Flowers? Written as a baby-loss mother herself, her works are beautiful...

I will use her words to remind you that as you continue this "race with perseverance," you pursue it, not alone, but with the presence of many others by your side to love you and support you.

Walk With Me
By Gwen Flowers
Come, walk with me, my friend,
I'll hold your hand.
This journey is not one to understand.
There is no sorting out
Chaff from the wheat.
We have to take the bitter with the sweet.

Come, walk with me,
Along the trail of tears.
We'll share our heartbreak, and our hopes and fears.
This trail is not designed
To walk alone.
But we will make discoveries of our own.

Come, walk with me, my friend,
We'll share the load
Up every hill and down the rugged road.
No map to show the route
Or tell how far.
No compass points the way, or guiding star.

Come, walk with me,
And I will walk with you.
Perhaps we two will find a better view.
Perhaps the trail,
Though thorny on the feet,
Will widen for two sorrowed hearts to meet.

Come, walk with me
Through brambled vine and thorn.
Step over stones that leave hearts ripped and torn.
The walk is never easy,
That is true.
But you will walk with me, and I with you.

Auntie M said...

Another Gwen Flowers poem I think you'd identify with is:

by Gwen Flowers
I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

Beth said...

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed, day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all. Therefore, we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal."
2Corinthians 4: 16-18

Keep your eye on the prize sweethart! : )

Pink Slip Gourmet said...

I'm praying for you. May the Lord give strength and comfort to your weary soul and broken heart. Your story reminds me what it is to be a good Christian. Thank you for that.

Janine said...

Sending you so much love. Thinking about you and praying for heart peace as you continue to process so much dear friend. My heart tells me that Father God looks at you and sees one who faithfully stewards that with which He has entrusted you. Much love to you. Janine

Krista Phillips said...

One day at a time. It's how I survived our hospital stay. How I survive at home. Granted, this isn't with grief, but with that overwhelming feeling of complete helplessness and insecurity and relying 100% of God.

I called it my "24 hour window" I wake up, and God says, "COme on Krista, we can do today together." And that is what I focus on.

TOmorrow... well, I trust him for tomorrow.

I think this is a GOOD thing... A daily walk with Jesus until we get to heaven and can rejoice and rest in him for eternity!

El said...

this song came to me as I read your post..

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