"Perseverance is the day-by-day decision to not give up." - Margaret J. Wheatley, author
I'm tired. Extremely tired.
My soul is weary and my heart is broken.
I've lost both my son and my father in 14 months.
I find myself asking, "Who is next?"
I don't think my heart can possibly handle one more loss or crisis.
But, when Joshua died, I didn't think my heart could handle another loss and here we are, 14 months later, dealing with another loss.
It had become a conscious choice for me- Give up, or keep going.
I can't give up. I have 3 small children who depend on me. I have a husband who loves me. I have a life that I HAVE to live. I have a path that God has already laid out for me that I will continue to try to follow to the best of my ability.
My life is different than it was. It will never be the same.
I express my grief through written words and many physical tears. Some think that I am not doing well at all.
But the truth of the matter is, is that I am choosing, day by day, to keep moving forward. To keep trying to become the woman that God has intended me to be, and I'm pretty sure that is all that is required of me.
To some, it doesn't look like I'm moving forward, but I know that I am. I am making progress. I am trying to find a new daily normal that doesn't include my father or my son. I'm trying to not worry about my mother as she makes big life decisions. I can't do it all, so I am choosing to let it go.
So, here I am. Choosing to let the grief out through my words here on this computer, but then closing the computer and moving forward with my day. Loving my children and my husband, taking care of my house, and supporting my mom as best as I know how.
I'm tired. I want to give up, but I must persevere.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,
and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."