Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Waiting with Expectation


I received a phone call this morning from my mom.

She was in tears with news about my dad.

We are now entering into the "Waiting with Expectation" phase of Dad's cancer.

What does that mean?

It means he is coming home today.

It means a hospital bed in the living room with oxygen to help him breathe and medication to keep him comfortable.

It means Hospice has been called.

It means that the time is coming nearer that I will have to say good bye to my Daddy.

It means that once again, I will watch someone I love die- my love, my mom's love, my children and husband's love...not enough to save him.

It means letting go when its time.

It means finding a new normal once again.



The mass in his lung has grown. It has cut off oxygen and has blocked a major artery.

He has weeks, possibly a month left.

He's not strong enough for chemo.

The cancer is progressing too quickly.

There is nothing left to do but love him and let go.



My heart is heavy.

First my son, now my dad. All in less than 2 years.

I've been trying to write a letter to him for the past 4 weeks.

The words won't come.

It's scary when the words simply aren't there.

Words have always been my way of coping.


There is nothing to do now but wait. Wait with expectation that God has my daddy in the palm of His hands. Wait with expectation that He will give us the strength to endure this. Wait with expectation that God will give my dad comfort and peace in his final days. Wait with expectation for the glorious day that my daddy will go Home and meet Jesus face to face- what a wonderful day that will be for him.


31 comments:

Kristin said...

Oh Jill I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and your family!

Danna said...

Jill, I am so very sorry. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I will be praying for you and your family.

Amy said...

Oh, how my heart hurts so badly for you right now, Jill. Much love & hugs to you and your family. xoxo

Ashley said...

Praying for you and your family. (((HUGS)))

Kellie said...

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Tracy said...

Jill, I am so terribly sorry for you and family. Cancer is such a horrible disease. I hope it helps, in whatever small way, to know that your blog readers far and wide are embracing you, caring about you, and praying for you.

El said...

Praying for you and your family! My heart aches for you!

Erin said...

Jill, I am so sorry. All of you are in my thoughts. The words will come...don't worry. ((((Hugs))))

Erin said...

Not only will he meeting Jesus, he'll be seeing Joshua again. Your baby will have his grandfather with him. And they'll BOTH be looking over you.

Kim said...

Im so sorry....You and your family are in my thoughts. (((Hugs)))

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

The support truly is appreciated. Thank you Tracy.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Erin,

One of the hardest things for my dad is knowing that he won't see Caleb, Hannah, and Luke grow up. However, he has expressed how excited he is to be able to see and know Joshua and care for him until we get there. It's such a bittersweet feeling knowing that he will be with Joshua, so much joy mixed in with the sadness.

Lisa said...

May the good Lord help you find peace. I went through a similar good bye to my father five years ago. I feel for you, my heart breaks for you, and may the Lord be with you and your family during this time and always.

Melissa said...

Jill,
My whole heart hurts for you, I will be praying for your whole family.

Jennifer Hood said...

Amen Tracy.

Melinda Ott said...

I'm so sorry! I'm praying for you!

Amy said...

Jill,

I am so sorry. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers.

Lis said...

just wanted to express my empathy to your family, i know all too well what that's like. hospice are good people but you hate to see them coming. sorry

cmnana44 said...

I am so sorry! I will keep praying for peace and comfort for your family and that your Dad's pain will be under control. Love you!

cmnana

Sharonabelle said...

I am Soooo sorry Jill. WOrds are impossible at a time like this. Love and grief, it is all there is room for in our hearts. Really, I am sure the only thing your dad wants to hear is that you will be ok. I know it is impossible to be ok at a time like this. His greatest fear I am sure is leaving all of you. Love is all he needs, and we all know he has that. Prayers and love being continually sent your way!

David and Michele's Baby Blog said...

Jill, I don't know if you remember us, but I am Maxson's mom. We corresponded quite a bit during Max's heart surgery and Joshua's birth and hospital stay as both of our boys were being treated in Indy. We know, somewhat, what you are going through. My husband's dad was diagnosed with cancer the same week Max had his first open heart surgery. It was an odd type of cancer and very aggressive. The treatment he went through was experimental. It did not work. Almost a year to the day he was diagnosed, my husband spent an extended weekend watching his dad die. It was awful, and unexpected. We live 7 hours away from them, and my husband traveled many weekends to visit and help his mom. Our family was due to travel for the Thanskgiving weekend to visit, which would have been the second time Grandpa had seen Max...he was so excited to meet him again....when we got the phone call that he wouldn't be here much longer. It is sad, it is hard. I cannot imagine what you are feeling. Please know we are thinking about you and your family. If you would like to connect again, please contact us via our blog. http://babyharrisblog.blogspot.com

The Lyon Family said...

Oh Jill. I am so sorry. This past Sunday the world lost a great man to cancer, Keith Miller. He was my boss and a father figure to me for years. I am praying for your family during this very difficult time. In His Care, Jessica (www.keithmiller.com)

ashshel said...

Jill, I'll be praying for you and your family as you go through this horrible time. I can relate to how much must be feeling as I lost my grandmother on 12-31-11 to cancer. I spent a week and half watching her fight for her life. It was the worst week of my life and no length of time can prepare you for it.

Auntie Mip said...

God bless you and your family Jill. I am so sorry that this tumor was so aggressive. I know hospice will support your daddy and family through this time. I will pray. It is so little, so insignificant. But I will pray as I know, no matter how insignificant I am, my prayers are in the eyes of our Father they are huge. Please God be with Jill and her family, especially her daddy. Please give the peace and comfort!

Ausmerican Housewife said...

Oh no. No no no no no! :'(

Oh my goodness, there are no words Jill. None. Sadness for another beautiful life leaving this world, happiness that Joshua is waiting to welcome his grandpa, angry that Caleb Hannah and Luke have limited time left with grandpa, hurt that your mom has to watch her husband deteriorate knowing that there is nothing she can do to stop it...

Oh darling so much love and prayers from Australia.

Beverley said...

{{{Jill}}} I am so sorry.

Do please try to see this as an opportunity to make more memories and enjoy each other...it is not just a "sit and wait time". Watch his favourite movies with the children read his favourite books with him to the children.....dont let this time slip away.

Hospice is wonderful and will have services for everyone in the family....art and music therapy....the children would love to participate in that (more than you dad maybe!!)

brodbeck12 said...

I'm so sorry. I don't even know you, but my heart hurts for you. Cancer took a dear friend a few months ago, and my grandma has liver cancer and two years to live. Lifting you up in prayer.

Mellow said...

My heart is so heavy for you and your family right now. My entire family is praying for you all. I'm so sorry you guys are enduring such heartache. It's a horrible feeling, and it feels endless...just know that the valley doesn't last forever, that we go through it. It's been one of the things I hold on to when I feel that all hope is lost.

Steph said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this for you and your family. I dread the day my Mom or Dad becomes sick and will go to Our Heavenly Father. Your Dad will be able to be with Joshua again, that will be a blessing, but heartbreak for all of you left to grieve the loss. I am so sorry...praying for all of you and your Dad that he can remain comfortable through this.

Beth said...

Praying and grieving with you all. Cancer SUCKS!!!!!
I love you sister.

LindseyB said...

Jill- I have been following your blog from the time you were pregnant with Joshua. My husband's family is friends with Nabrissa O. They met during a missions trip to Senegal years ago. I had seen her posting on Facebook to pray for you. I have, many times, when you blogged after Joshua passed that you felt after a few weeks people would forget to pray for you, I remembered that and have prayed for you often.

I feel a connection because our lives have been similar the last few years. I have a son, Levi, who is now 17 months, he was born a week before Joshua. I too had a subchorianic hematoma and was afraid of loosing him for a while there. Many times I look at him I think about Joshua. When he was 6 months old I became pregnant again, this time with a little girl. She was born about a week after Lucas. And finally, three days before Christmas my mom died from early onset Alzheimer's at age 58.

I would like to share 2 things with you. The first I found when leafing through my mother's Bible after she passed. It was a little note card that said " When a woman looses her husband she is called a widow, when a child looses their parents they are called an orphan, but when a mother looses a child there is no word to describe the depth of her loss." My mom never lost a child, but that quote seemed to touch her.

The second think I would like to share is my testimony given at my mom's memorial service last weekend. I hope you will feel comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your grief:

When I think of my mom's life it all boils down to the verses we chose for her memorial cards.   1 John 2:15-17  Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.  And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.

My mom always maintained an eternal perspective.  She knew that things valued by the world were a bad investment because they resulted only in a temporary gratification of our sinful desires.  That is why she chose to invest in people, and I am blessed to be one of them.  Because of her ministry as a mother, I can understand that even though my sinful desires tells me to be angry and claim God was unfair to take my mom away from me too soon, in truth her absence is a reminder of the hope we have through Christ Jesus's death and resurrection.  That although our earthly bodies may return to the ground and we are temporarily separated from our loved ones, if we accept Christ's death as a payment for our sins, we will soon be reunited to spend eternity together.  The last few lines of the song "Blessings" ask " what if my greatest disappointments and the aching of this life are a reminder of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? "  Striving to gain fulfillment in the things this world values will always leave you unsatisfied compared to the peace and glory of an eternity spent in perfect praise and service to our creator and savior.  If you were touched by my mom's life, her patience, gentleness, and kindness; know that that great kindness you experienced from her was merely an imperfect reflection of the love our perfect God has for you.  

 
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