Thursday, January 12, 2012

I feel like I'm drowning.

I have been silent lately. Writing is so therapeutic for me, but the words just don't seem to come. 

It's not because things have been good. Just the opposite.

I have no words for what is going through my heart and my head.

Dad's cancer is treatable. Not curable. But treatable.

The treatment can give him a few more years instead of just a few more months.

That is great news.

But, as we received this news, I stood before God like a spoiled brat stomping my feet.

Unthankful, ungrateful, and bitter.

God is giving my daddy a few more years of life. Why coudln't he do that for Joshua?

Why can't God give him a long life so he can see his grandkids grow up, see my brother get married, grow old with my mom?

Did you know that I hate the word miracle?

What defines a miracle?

Curing someone from illness? Death that takes them away from suffering? Where is the miracle in my dad's cancer and Joshua's heart defect?

Are these last few years of my dad's life going to be filled with sickness, worry, and pain? Is that a miracle? Or will the miracle come in the form of death- freeing him from all of the pain and sickness and nastiness that is growing inside his body.

Where was Joshua's miracle? Was it in the surgeries that left him drugged, swollen, and suffering? Or was it in his death- once again, freedom from the pain, more open heart surgeries, and a lifetime of medical treatment.

Where is my miracle? I'm so tired of the pain and suffering. I'm tired of the unanswered prayers. I'm tired of not understanding why these things continue to happen to us.

I'm bitter. I hate to admit it, but if I am going to be honest with myself and you, I will openly admit that I am extremely bitter.

The cancer that my dad has is mostly found in smokers. My dad is not a smoker. So why? Why did he get this?

The heart defect that Joshua had happens to 1 in 10,000 children. Why did my baby have to be the one to get it?

How does a good and gracious God allow this stuff to happen? This has been 3 years of these questions and this pain.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the suffering. I'm tired of watching the people I love become sick.

I feel like I'm drowning in hopelessness.

I know God is there, but I can't help but scream out in the darkness "WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS?"

"Where is the miracle?"

"In what form will we see Your mercy?"

I just want rest. I want comfort. I want to be carried. But it's not happening. 

I don't need to be preached at. I know what Scripture says. I BELIEVE what scripture says. I'm having a hard time clinging to it. I'm having a hard time trusting. I'm having a hard time seeing and understanding the bigger picture.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hang onto this thread that I've been clinging to. I'm getting tired and becoming weak. I'm desperate for help and refuge, but I don't see that coming any time soon. I don't want to drown. I want to be that woman with unwavering faith, but in all reality, I'm not. I'm struggling. I'm failing. Worst of all, I'm hurting.


Nikki said...

Jill I'm so sorry you are surrounded by so much sickness and death. I will pray for comfort for you. For some sort of healing in your heart so you can allow the Spirit to carry you through these trials. <3

Beverley said...

A pastor friend, who is grieving at the moment, asked the question I believe you have asked do we live life with all its pain and acknowledge all that we know and believe in the Bible?

Not sure myself some days...but know I am praying for each of us to take the next step...

Lis said...

I understand that post all too well

The Great Mooski said...

I don't know. I have lost both my parents and know of a man who had lung cancer, much like your dad- never smoked, and died at age 33. He was a missionary. He left behind 3 kids (was able to see the birth of his youngest just b4 he died).

I guess the miracle is that everyone had an idea lives would be cut short in each scenario above. Impending death brought on the will to enjoy every tidbit of life that each had left. Loved ones stopped taking things for granted- even the smallest act of servantude filled hearts. Those around them who weren't close friends or family, yet knew of the illness & struggle loved their families more- hugged their children tighter. Took the extra moment to look their spouse in the eyes & say, "I love you."

Still doesn't change the fact that it sucks & it hurts, but that's all I got.

Stefenie said...

No words my friend....just a {{{HUG}}}.

Suzanne said...

Jill, I won't preach. I'll just share these words from John 16:33: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Thank goodness He has overcome the world. The world can be cruel to us. There is no reason you can find for an innocent child to suffer and die. There is no reason that makes sense for your dad to have cancer.

My mother died suddenly/unexpectedly on Christmas night 23 years ago with my then-7-yr.-old daughter beside her in bed. My father had died the year before. They never saw my children grow up. They would have loved them so and been proud of them!

I only tell you that to say that I struggled for a long time with the unfairness of that fact. Life isn't fair. And we don't always get a miracle that we want. But God IS with us. Just keep hanging onto that. Even when you don't feel it. Even when it doesn't seem to be enough. It WILL be enough. It will be. But that doesn't mean you won't struggle in the meantime.

I am praying for you.

Auntie Mip said...

Dear Jill,

The miracle is a simple as living through sheer hell, questioning faith, being angry, furious at a good and gracious God, at being mad as hell that this same God would seemingly sit back and watch as first your son then your father sufferer needlessly, being so fed up that you dare not believe for one second more. And yet from out of nowhere comes this voice that says, "Be still and know that I am God".

I am so sorry for your deep anguish Jill. I pray He finds you when you are lost an alone. Thousands of prayers for you and your Daddy....your whole family!

stardustdawn said...

As I read this, and ache for you, I am reminded of another mother going through a crisis and trying so hard to cling to her faith. I think you may find her to be a companion on this long lonely road.

Beth said...

I love you sister and am praying for you.

Leanne said...

No preaching. And I can't even begin to understand what you're going through. Here's hoping writing it down helped though...

Queen Bee said...

Sending love and good thoughts, Jill. I have been struggling with this very same thing lately. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. ((hug))

Anonymous said...

I couldn't read all of this because the tears were swelling up in my eyes. I typed in I feel like I'm drowning on Google, because that's how I'm feeling right now, and I came across your page.
Just know you are not alone in your life's pains, a lot of us are going through right now, and I totally understand how you feel. You believe, but it's just hard to see the good outcome.
I suppose all we can do is just keep hanging on, and maybe help someone else in some way that we can.
I heard a song on the radio this morning and the man was singing, "while i'm waiting, i'm going to keep on serving, While i'm waiting i'm going to keep on praying".
It made me think, that maybe God is watching to see who of us, regardless of what we are going through, will keep serving and praying to him.
Even though we want to just give up, something keeps us going. I know for me, something makes me just keep going, and i hope that God will give you rest and peace, and comfort, and JOY.

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