Thursday, January 12, 2012
I have been silent lately. Writing is so therapeutic for me, but the words just don't seem to come.
It's not because things have been good. Just the opposite.
I have no words for what is going through my heart and my head.
Dad's cancer is treatable. Not curable. But treatable.
The treatment can give him a few more years instead of just a few more months.
That is great news.
But, as we received this news, I stood before God like a spoiled brat stomping my feet.
Unthankful, ungrateful, and bitter.
God is giving my daddy a few more years of life. Why coudln't he do that for Joshua?
Why can't God give him a long life so he can see his grandkids grow up, see my brother get married, grow old with my mom?
Did you know that I hate the word miracle?
What defines a miracle?
Curing someone from illness? Death that takes them away from suffering? Where is the miracle in my dad's cancer and Joshua's heart defect?
Are these last few years of my dad's life going to be filled with sickness, worry, and pain? Is that a miracle? Or will the miracle come in the form of death- freeing him from all of the pain and sickness and nastiness that is growing inside his body.
Where was Joshua's miracle? Was it in the surgeries that left him drugged, swollen, and suffering? Or was it in his death- once again, freedom from the pain, more open heart surgeries, and a lifetime of medical treatment.
Where is my miracle? I'm so tired of the pain and suffering. I'm tired of the unanswered prayers. I'm tired of not understanding why these things continue to happen to us.
I'm bitter. I hate to admit it, but if I am going to be honest with myself and you, I will openly admit that I am extremely bitter.
The cancer that my dad has is mostly found in smokers. My dad is not a smoker. So why? Why did he get this?
The heart defect that Joshua had happens to 1 in 10,000 children. Why did my baby have to be the one to get it?
How does a good and gracious God allow this stuff to happen? This has been 3 years of these questions and this pain.
I'm tired. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the suffering. I'm tired of watching the people I love become sick.
I feel like I'm drowning in hopelessness.
I know God is there, but I can't help but scream out in the darkness "WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS?"
"Where is the miracle?"
"In what form will we see Your mercy?"
I just want rest. I want comfort. I want to be carried. But it's not happening.
I don't need to be preached at. I know what Scripture says. I BELIEVE what scripture says. I'm having a hard time clinging to it. I'm having a hard time trusting. I'm having a hard time seeing and understanding the bigger picture.
I'm not sure how much longer I can hang onto this thread that I've been clinging to. I'm getting tired and becoming weak. I'm desperate for help and refuge, but I don't see that coming any time soon. I don't want to drown. I want to be that woman with unwavering faith, but in all reality, I'm not. I'm struggling. I'm failing. Worst of all, I'm hurting.