I'm sorry for my lack of posts lately.
My absence has been for multiple reasons. Over the past week or so, I feel like I've been planted on the couch doing nothing but nursing, nursing, and nursing. It seems as if our little piggy wants to do nothing but eat, and I'm happy to oblige. He's been such a great nurser and I can already see his little double chin developing!
I've also been extremely tired. Mr. Double Chin eats literally every 2.5 hours. That is no different at night. Shane and I tag team the night time responsibilities- me feeding, Shane changing diapers and rocking the wee one back to sleep if he wakes up from the transfer from my lap to the crib. It's exhausting for both of us, but I'm thankful to have his help. I've got such a good husband. :o)
Today we took a trip down to the hospital that Joshua was born, lived, and died. We had a final cardiology appointment to make sure that Luke's heart is 100% healthy.
After an EKG and an ECHO, the cardiologist confirmed that Luke's heart is, in fact, 100% healthy. We are praising God that our 3 living children's hearts have all been checked and are all healthy. We were reassured that we can rest easy and know that there is nothing to worry about.
While today was such a great day, it was also an emotionally draining day for me. Being in the only place that my son lived is strangely comforting to me. Seeing the only people who really knew him helps me remember him in ways that I have forgotten. But it's also extremely hard to go back. The sights, smells, and sounds are triggers for me.
The cardiologist that we saw today was the same cardiologist that told us of Joshua's heart defect. He has been there from the beginning. It is extremely bittersweet that he was the one who told us that Joshua was so very sick over a year ago, and is now telling us that Luke is so very healthy. He was the same cardiologist who gave us so much hope for a future for Joshua. He was the same cardiologist who stood in the hallway with us after Joshua's first crash and told us that it was a miracle that he was still alive- after coding the way Joshua had coded, they don't typically see kids recover- yet Joshua did. He has been there through it all, and now we have no reason to have to see him again. That's a good thing, but definitely bittersweet.
As I continue to be told that Luke is completely healthy, I'm finding it difficult to convince myself that we really do have a healthy child. (our pediatrician is going to get sick of me calling her for reassurance about EVERYTHING!!!) After all of the research of Joshua's heart defect, I found out just how often babies die. It's not something we want to think about, but there are far too many babies that die from sickness and neglect every day. As I learned more and more about Joshua's defect, I slowly lost my ignorance. I have, in a way, become extremely jaded. Not fully believing that we had a normal pregnancy, birth, and newborn. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that, God willing, we will actually be able to keep this baby. We will be able to watch him grow and develop. We will watch him reach his milestones. We will have a first birthday party WITH the birthday boy!
A day like today is exactly what my heart needs to continue to heal. It's what our family needs to be able to continue to move forward. But it's bittersweet and extremely emotionally draining for me. We have 3 100% healthy children. Praise God!!!! (even if I'm still working on believing it!)