Thursday, September 8, 2011

Letting Go- part 2

I've arrived at a crossroad.

A point in which I have to make a choice.

A choice to free myself from the burden that I have been carrying, or a choice to continue to carry it- allowing it to suffocate me.

A choice to allow myself to let go of the insurmountable weight that I have been carrying, or to allow it to continue to crush me.

I have to make a choice and I'm terrified.

It's been so easy to place blame for the grief that I have experienced. Surely, a good and gracious God would never allow these things to happen to those who love Him. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I don't like this verse. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm not sure if I'm completely sold.

His Word says He will never harm us. But I can tell you from experience, I have been harmed- maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. A part of my heart has been ripped to pieces. A part of who I was is gone forever. I have experienced pain so deep and so raw I wasn't sure where then next breath was going to come from.

Flashbacks, tears, pain, heart palpitations, hurt, abandonment, anguish, loss of friendships, loss of self, loss of faith, loss of trust, grief, anger, hurt feelings.

It's time. Time to make a choice.

I can't keep holding onto this pain. I can't keep carrying around this burden.

My child died. We were attacked. We lost our home. We have suffered.

I am at a crossroad.

Do I continue to place blame?

Through all of the pain and heartache things have changed.

I have changed. 

But you know what?

God is the same. 

It's time to choose.

Am I going to continue to let this define me? Am I going to continue to let this burden weigh me down? Am I going to continue to blame Him for all of it- when in reality He has been with me through it all. What am I going to do? I can choose Him and let go, or I can choose my own selfishness and allow it to fester.

I'm choosing.

I'm choosing Him.

I don't have answers. I don't know why He allowed Joshua to die when He could have so easily reached down and saved him- HEALED HIM. I don't know why He allowed our story to circulate and for people to accuse me of murdering my child. I don't know why. But I HAVE TO let go.

It's time.

There is freedom.  All I need to do is take it and cling to it.

No more walking around carrying this weight. The sadness will come. The grief will still be very real- but so will God. He has NEVER left me. The only one who has walked away has been me.

I'm tired of blaming. I'm tired of asking why. I'm tired of the what if's.

It's time to let go.

Matt Hammitt wrote a song. As I listened to it for the first time last week, I fell to the floor. My heart was overcome.

This song is my prayer. It's time to let go.

Here are the lyrics:

Let Go:
I wanna hold on because I'm afraid
And I didn't ask for it to be this way
Somehow I found myself caught in the grey
Reaching out for fear, running out of faith

You know, what I don't. 
So help me to let go.
You're in control
So help me to let go

I want to let go

I want to let go of what I can't change
Because I can't wrap my mind around your ways
I've got more questions than I have answers these days
Please don't let my suffering go to waste.

You know, what I don't 
So help me to let go
You are in control, so help me let go
I want to let go

These are the moments it's hard to believe, 
So please help me
Please help me 

These are the moments of surrendering. 
So please help me
So please help me
Please help me.

It's time for me to let go. God is here. He always has been. Through the pain. Through the tears. He gave life, and He took away. I don't understand, but I trust. I trust that He is good. I trust that His grace has covered me as I've floundered around. I trust that His love for me is more than I can ever comprehend.

I'm letting go because I am His.

Matt's newest CD, Every Falling Tear, is coming out September 13th. This song as well as 9 other beautiful and challenging songs are included in this CD. Please come back tomorrow- you will have a chance to win a copy of this amazing CD. Trust me- it will be worth it.


A Daft Scots Lass said...

Surrender and Claim your life back!

contemplationsofahousewife said...

Letting go and grabbing onto God was the most difficult thing for me to do as well. I was scared that somehow, letting go of the grief would mean I didn't love my son, or that I'd forget him, or, or, or. It just isn't true.

I'm so thankful and glad for you, that you're taking this step. I'll be keeping you in my prayers a bit more. That you feel God's peace and love sustaining you with grace.

Much love my friend!


Auntie M said...

First, let me make clear that I have not lost a child; though I did lose my nephew. I would never presume to think I even have an inkling of what a parent who loses a child goes through. That being said (& I hope I make some sense):
Thank you for being so honest...what you shared yesterday and today is something that needs to be heard by so many. I understand your feelings about verse in Jer. And the confusion of how such horror can happen even when God is close by. The questions of how some are healed while others are not...
The anger that comes, directed at God~he can handle. The feeling of abandonment~he understands though he is near. The confusion...the torment...the suffering...the grief...he feels along with us. Of course then, comes the question of wishing that rather than being alongside us in this place, why hadn't he rescued us from it instead?
I am impressed that you were able to put into words this choice you've made...I had a hard time doing so. It's just that I knew if I turned away from God, it would be even worse. If I tried to make it on my own and comfort myself, I would fail and the darkness would be worse. Years ago I the verses from Isaiah 50 (10-11) suddenly seared themselves in my heart and broke through the darkness I was in at the time when I realized I was trying to light my darkness without God. Around that same time, I realized that though I had clung to Psalm 23, verse 4, it hadn't dawned on me that for there to be a shadow, somewhere there must be light...I only needed to find the true Source.
The time following my nephew's death, the darkness was deeper...and then somehow, those words broke through. And I knew I couldn't not believe in God...couldn't not trust him.
It's such a relief, really, isn't it, when you come to that place? Even if those around you aren't there yet...or you can't quite put it into words... There is a peace the floods in~not necessarily replacing the grief, sorrow, exhaustion...but joining it.
Many Christians that have not known this struggle or these depths of grief may have an easier time with their faith, with trusting God; they may (unconsiously) judge those in the midst of this battle rather than quietly supporting them through the darkness of it all. But then, perhaps, too they miss out on the soul-searing/shattering depths that is only known by those who have walked through the fires in the dark of night with God.
You and yours remain in my prayers.

Momof4sillymonkies85 said...

I came across your blog today. I don't have a chd baby but I have a CDH baby. Although I have not lost my son and can not even imagine the pain it brings. I have alot of the same feelings as you. We spent 6 months in the hospital getting our son healthy enough to come home. He is doing so wonderful for all he has been through. I feel so guilty having these feelings. We have been through a sick child, losing our home, moving away from family, financial hardships and some days it feels as though there is more to come. Joseph is headed into surgery on the 20 just 5 days after his first bday. It will be his 6th. I'm terrified. Sorry I'm rambling. I pray that your burden will get easier to bare, I have lost loved ones and watched a dear friend lose her son, and know that with time the burden gets easier. It doesn't leave but it gets easier. You will be in my prayers as well as your family.

The Cox Family said...

Great post. Love you. (((hugs)))

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