As I was trying to prepare for Joshua's first birthday, I asked my friends, family, and blog readers to send letters to me to post during the time that Joshua was alive.
In my head, that sounded like an amazing idea. What a great way to remember the 51 days that he was alive. What a great way to allow others to help remember as well.
But it turned out to be too much for me.
I received close to 75 emails- more than I needed, but was honored to have.
I poured through each and everyone of them, reading them over and over as tears spilled down my cheeks.
I saved every message and email that came with every intention of posting them between August 16 and October 6.
But when it came time to post them, I coudln't.
I'm not sure what it is, but part of me feels like I've slowly become a bit more private with my grief.
I put so much out there for so long, and it was good for me. But I'm getting to the point that I feel like keeping some of it to myself. Or maybe I've reached a point where I'm just plain tired of talking about it. Maybe I just don't even want to allow my mind to wander back to the days that he was alive. I don't know.
As I read through the emails that were sent, I was moved deeply by how many of your lives Joshua has truly touched. I was reminded time and time again that our suffering has been for a purpose- that Joshua's LIFE was for a purpose and that God does truly work for His glory- even though the hard times.
I'm honored to call so many of you my friends and supporters. You've stood by me through thick and thin, praying when I couldn't, trusting when there was no trust left, and helping to carry the burden that threatened to overtake me. You loved my baby and mourned with us when we lost him. For that, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I also want to express just how truly sorry I am that I can't post your messages and stories about him. Maybe after some more time, I will slowly be able to work through the emotions that come along with them, but for now, I apologize.
Like I said, the idea sounded great in my head, but my heart has told me otherwise. It was just too much.