Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I just don't feel like it.

Things around here have gotten pretty boring lately huh?

I agree.

My lack of anything substantial on this blog has not been because of a lack of time, or a lack of topics to write about. In all actuality, it's the exact opposite.

I have plenty of things that I want to write about, but when it comes down to it, I simply don't have the energy anymore.

Simply put, I don't feel like crying anymore. I don't feel like thinking. I don't feel like feeling.

So I've been avoiding it.

Shane and I attend a weekly GriefShare meeting at a local church. Tonight, the leader asked where we are in our grief.

I had to really think about that question.

It seems to me that I am still on the up and down roller coaster of grief. There are many days that are good days and the bad days are becoming less and less and there are ambushes that attack out of nowhere and completely exhaust me.

As I thought about where I am on this journey, a thought came to mind.

So much of me has changed since Joshua died. I think I'm at a point of discovery. Discovering my new normal and my new "self".

So much of these past 2 years has been transition and change. I'm not sure what is normal for us anymore.

It started off with a new job for me, a kitchen fire, then bedrest at 11 weeks, then the heart diagnosis at 22 weeks, putting our house up for sale, the birth of a very sick baby, 51 days of intense situations in the NICU, our baby dying, becoming a stay at home mom for the first time,  the beginnings of a foreclosure process on our house, becoming pregnant again, a move to a new house and new town, leaving our church, Shane starting a new job, Caleb starting Kindergarten, and celebrating Joshua's 1st birthday.

That is A LOT for one family in just 2 short years. A lot of change, a lot of transition, a lot of heartache and instability.

I think we have reached a point where things are slowly starting to become routine and "normal." But I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Don't get me wrong, I love being at home with my children. I love that I am able to help them learn and grow. I love that I am the one who is answering their tough questions about Joshua and God. I love the security that I have found in allowing my husband to truly take charge of our family. I LOVE doing the laundry! (seriously!!!) I'm so so SO excited that Luke will be making his arrival in the next few months. I'm excited about and love our new life.

But there is something unfamiliar and almost unsettling about all of this new "normal."

I find myself becoming less and less extroverted and more and more introverted. I find that I don't want to talk or even think about the difficult parts of life. I find myself becoming more and more exhausted as every hour passes. I find myself not answering the phone or texts or emails. I find myself writing less and less. I find myself becoming more and more protective of family time- something that is extremely sacred to me.

I'm not sure if I'm in a season of life that NEEDS to be more to myself, or if this is my new normal. I'm not sure if I'm slowly starting to allow myself to creep into the world of depression, or if I've just become someone who doesn't need the companionship of others as much as I used to. I don't know if I'm becoming more independent and mature, or if I'm sinking into a deep and dark hole of isolation.

I don't feel sad. I don't feel depressed. But I am tired. I don't want to think about the pain anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel the sadness- so I don't allow myself to as much as I used to.

Part of me thinks that I am just tired. I'm hugely pregnant, struggling with kidney issues, and carrying a full load of housework and raising small children. My load is heavy, and it's been a long journey over the past 2 years. Maybe this is just a phase that I will get over. I guess for right now though, I just don't feel like doing much of anything.


McEngland like the McCountry said...

You may have more pep in your step once Luke gets here. I suffered debilitating depression when I was pregnant with Aengus. Part of it was being so isolated and unhappy here in VA and part of it was pregnancy. Do not underestimate how hard you are working. Stay-at-home mothering is tremendously hard and even more so when big pregnant while ALSO mothering children on the outside.

I wouldn't worry about not being "The Old Jill". The "Old Jill" (or "OJ") didn't know the horrific grief that New Jill does but NJ is wiser. NJ gets to appreciate and love deeper. NJ has a closer understanding of God's amazing, perfect love. NJ has not only Caleb and Hannah to love but also Joshua and Luke as well. OJ never needed to know that her mother's love could extend to Heaven and back. This is not meant to minimize the profound change that has occurred in you. It's just that NJ has had her faith tested and she is stronger for it. Plus, you're still vivacious, Red!

Beverley said...

One thing I have learned in reading about anticipatory and post takes time and everyone is different and should not be rushed. Plus life is a cycle so issues will need to be addressed again at different times throughout life.

Seems to me you are carrying a heavy load - in various ways, and have been and so it will just take time for the changes and growth to feel truly normal and comfortable again.

No doubt you want to be over this tired, run down, can't be bothered feeling, you will be.

Lord give Jill your joy, I pray that she can turn her face directly to you, so that no matter what is going on around her she can feel confident in you. Amen

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