I feel like I'm falling apart.
(I know. These past few posts have been extremely uplifting right?! ha!)
But I'm being honest.
I feel like at any second, my brain and my heart are going to explode and all of my marbles are going to come spilling forth.
I'm exhausted. Spiritually, physically, emotionally. Exhausted.
Last night, I found myself the most tired I have been in a long time. All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and veg.
But there was a sink full of dishes that needed to be done. 2 small children that needed to be put to bed. A load of laundry that HAD to make it into the dryer- but couldn't until the load in the dryer was taken out. There were toys that needed to be picked up, food that needed to be put away, AND medicine that needed to be taken. (not to mention that Shane was working until 10:30pm, so I was on my own.)
As I sat on the couch, I lost it. The tears came and I thought to myself, "I can hardly make it through tonight, how in the HELL am I going to make it through this week?!"
I let the tears come for a total of 5 minutes. As I sat and cried, feeling completely overwhelmed, I formed a mental list of what needed to be done and put them in order of importance. I told myself that I would simply do the next thing and get through that. Then once that was done, I would worry about the next, and the next, and the next. Literally one thing at a time.
As I dried my tears, I pulled myself off the couch and put the kids to bed. That was the most important task on my list. I felt like it took every last ounce of energy out of me, but I did it. I came back down and I regrouped. I cried a few more tears and decided that laundry was next. (see?! I told you! I'm losing it....I've gone completely crazy....)
Once again, I pulled myself off the couch, all the while asking God for the strength that I needed to keep going. I finished that task and repeated the whole couch, cry, pray, do the next thing, process all over again until everything was done.
Last night, I realized that this week is going to be the same way. I can't focus on Monday morning when I drop my baby off at Kindergarten. I can't focus on Tuesday at 4:41pm- the moment that I laid eyes on Joshua for the very first time. I have to worry about the very next thing- praying that God gives me the strength to do it, and deal with those things when they ARE the next thing.
I am resolved to take this week moment by moment. Allowing the tears to come, allowing the strength of My Father to get me through, relying on family and friends to help carry the load. I simply cannot think about tomorrow or the next day. I have to think about now.
And that, my dear friends, is how I am going to get through this week. By asking God only for the strength to get me through the next thing.
7 comments:
Let me know how you need me. Of course, the prayers are already there...but other than that, what do you need? A sitter one night? A friend to keep you occupied? Someone to provide dinner? Let me know and I'll do it. No questions.
Love you.
Jill,
God doesn't give us the strength we need BEFORE we need it. He gives it WHEN we need it. I think step by step is the only way to do it. I'm praying for you this week!
I know its not the same....but when my sister faced the first year after losing her husband..she took herself on a cruise...That's probably not in everyone's budget...but maybe you and the hubby could find a sitter and slip away for some quality time together...like rent a room for the night and just....be....I'm praying for you.
Praying for you and your sweet family this week!
Praying for you, Shane, Caleb, and Hannah this week. Love you!
Maybe it's a redhead thing? I have been going through the same sort of thing this past week. So many things going on ... things only God and I know about. It's not good to know that someone else is going through things... but it's kind of good to know I'm not alone.
Praying for You, Shane, Caleb and Hannah. Much <3
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