Friday, August 26, 2011

Marriage Stress

This blog has been and probably always will be my place to write out my thoughts. It's my place to help process my feelings and work through some of the tough issues in my life.

I've written before, that I struggle with how much to share about Shane and/or our marriage. I don't ever want to write anything that is not honoring to him, but I also want to keep my writing and my struggles real. There is a very fine line that can be easily crossed with keeping my writing transparent while maintaining the dignity of my marriage and my family. Life is not all butterflies and rainbows and I don't ever want it to look like it is.

I want to be honest.

Shane and I are struggling.

No, our marriage isn't going anywhere.

We will get through this.

But there are a lot of stresses that our family continues to face and the stress is getting to us.

We have gotten into a pattern of not communicating.

As Luke and I grow bigger and bigger, my energy level becomes smaller and smaller. I'm not doing well with the heat, and the pain that I experience in my lower back and hips are enough to make me constantly grumpy (I don't think I've ever taken this much tylenol in my entire 27 years of life!). I'm not sleeping well, and my body is just slowing down. I can't physically do all that I want to do, and I have unrealistic expectations that Shane should pick up what I can't do (as if he doesn't have enough on his plate...).

Shane is working long crazy hours. We have some savings, but without 2 incomes, our budget is extremely tight. Don't get me wrong, we are surviving, there just isn't a whole lot of extra cash each month to make some of the bigger purchases that we need to make.

He is also taking care of all of the deed in lieu of foreclosure junk for our old house. Wells Fargo has been nearly impossible to work with- they keep losing 100's of pages of documents that we have sent them multiple times and they keep giving us the run around. They fail to tell us what documents we still need and then, because they don't tell us what we need (even when we call every 3 days to check on things and ask what they need from us) they close our case and we have to start the 45-60 day process all over (we have started this process 4-5 times now.). We are also required to maintain the lawn and the weeds at the old house, yet they have already taken possession of the house. No one informed us that we still have to maintain a house that we don't have access to (what sense does that make?!), therefore we have received a citation from the city for overgrown weeds and grass (which we were able to take care of, but not without the help of others because we have sold all of our lawn stuff). The entire situation is just a mess and Wells Fargo just doesn't seem to care.

While I take care of the small details of our day to day living, he takes care of the "bigger picture" tasks for our family. Add two small children, grief, pregnancy, the many sicknesses that we've had this summer, and just plain busyness into the mix, and we've started drifting.

The closeness that we typically feel, isn't there. When he's home in the evenings, we literally sit next to each other and hardly say two words to each other. Not because we are angry or frustrated with each other, but because we are both so exhausted we don't have the energy to make sure things are right between us. We have been putting everything else first, and not making the work of maintaining our marriage a priority.

After a few weeks of struggling like this, we sat down and finally talked last night. It was good to get it all out there. He doesn't want to stress me out with finances, and I don't want to stress him out with the day to day tasks of running a household. We both recognize that we are both carrying extremely heavy loads and our energy is running extremely low. Both of us are trying to shelter the other from even more stress, and it's not working.

After our talk last night, I think we are back on the right track. We realize that we need to carry the load of our family together, not separately, but it's hard. It's all so hard to juggle.

As I've been thinking about writing this post, I've really struggled with exactly how much to share. I don't want it to come across as complaining or asking for help. That is the last thing I am doing. I am writing because I know that there are many of you who have "been there, done that." I know that there are many of you who can relate. I also know that there have been many of you who have gone before our Father and prayed on our behalf. I am asking you to do that once again. Pray that God continues to hold us close and provide for our needs. Pray that we are able to continue to work on keeping our marriage healthy.

I know that Shane and I will survive this. These stresses are much more mild than the stresses we have already endured. I am secure in my love for him and his love for me. We will get through this. It's just going to take some more work and lots of prayers. Will you join us?


Jessica said...

praying for you. Praying for Baby Luke. I hope that Wells Fargo gets their head on straight :) I could call them for you if you would like :)

Heather said...

Jill, have you been to a chiropractor? Not sure how you feel about them, but they can sometimes do wonders for a sore/ tired pregnant mama. Hang in there. :)

Beth said...

Will be praying. Maybe it's time to get a lawyer and send your paper work certified mail so they have to sign to receive it. Make sure the post office gives you a receipt and that the paper work is insured. Then you have paperwork that proves you have sent them what they required. So sorry you have to go through this.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Heather-- I've never been to a chiropractor. I don't know why the thought hasn't come to me sooner. Maybe I'll give our insurance a call today and see what they cover. It's worth a try for sure! Thanks for the suggestion! :o)

Katie said...

kuddos to you guys for sitting down and talking about it. You both clearly love each other enough to protect one another, but it takes real courage to acknowledge when you can't protect the one you love from everything. You guys have so much on your plate right now, but you have each other and you have faith, and things will get easier. You're in my prayers :)

Nikki said...

Have you tried a corn or rice bag? I had terrible sciatica with all of my pregnancies and I found the corn bag was more effective than tylenol most of the time.

I can send you one if you'd like!

Joyce Kay said...

Great post! I will praying for you and your family. Hang in there it will get better.

Joe said...

Praying for you guys Jill. You two are an amazing couple with an amazing testimony and I pray God will continue to be with you two and raise the road to meet you where you need it.

Carolina Carters said...

Praying for your family always!

I never wanted to give in to going to the chiropractor because I felt like once you went you had to keep going back, and I didn't want to get trapped in that. I finally gave in a few weeks ago and OMG! Go, that's all I can tell you! Instant relief (not perfect, but much better THAT DAY) for my lower back and shoulder! I've been going for about three weeks and feel almost no pain anymore. I'm sold! Even if I have to go here and there forever! Try it, you won't be disappointed. ;)

BunBun said...

Wells Fargo is an extremely frustrating company (in general) and I'm sorry it's been so challenging dealing with them. Glad to see that you two are able to distinguish between blaming the problems and blaming each other. You will get through this tough time. Prayers from a fellow redhead!

brooke said...

Honesty makes me feel so inspired. Great post.

Jes said...

Hi, I'm new to your blog... but wow.

Thank You.

Within the few posts I've read I've already found strength and a real push to Just Keep Reading. This all sounds disjointed, I know, and typically I'm a grammar and sentence structure queen! My story is different, so different, but yet I see so many similarities. This post was the second to give me that "ping" moment, the first was your latest with the song lyrics. This one b/c my husband and I are going through the same thing in a way. He is a Unites States Marine, and was wounded in Afghanistan- and since then it's been a whirlwind of just doing what had to be done but my gosh, what else can I do after that? You want me to laugh and be jolly? Dude, waaaaay too tired. WAY too tired. And then slowly we started not communicating ... and then resentment built ... and then the couple that had rarely ever fought were going full out combat style. So we gave ourselves a time out for a day, we began walking every night and just TALKING as we found that not facing each other made saying what needed to be said that much easier. And, most importantly, we instituted "Free Time". When one of us says it the other is required to listen without judgement, keep our emotions at bay, and let the other person completely finish - and then its Free Time to respond.

It works. I promise you it works.

Keep up with what you're doing, as it's amazing. My husband was the de facto spiritual leader as they were living in a town, completely cut off from anyone, and for 5 months, no one left their compound without getting prayed for... but since he's gotten home, he's felt too unworthy to step back into our Church- and I believe that I was led to your blog directly (albeit VERY indirectly) :) for a very specific reason, and for that I thank you.

Wow. Way to blow all sentence structure and those pesky things called paragraphs, huh?:)

If I may, could I email you to get the info on where to get that CD? I'm really thinking that just putting it in the jeep, set to #9 may be the first step for him.

Sorry re:length. :) Again though, Wow. Thank You.

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