This blog has been and probably always will be my place to write out my thoughts. It's my place to help process my feelings and work through some of the tough issues in my life.
I've written before, that I struggle with how much to share about Shane and/or our marriage. I don't ever want to write anything that is not honoring to him, but I also want to keep my writing and my struggles real. There is a very fine line that can be easily crossed with keeping my writing transparent while maintaining the dignity of my marriage and my family. Life is not all butterflies and rainbows and I don't ever want it to look like it is.
I want to be honest.
Shane and I are struggling.
No, our marriage isn't going anywhere.
We will get through this.
But there are a lot of stresses that our family continues to face and the stress is getting to us.
We have gotten into a pattern of not communicating.
As Luke and I grow bigger and bigger, my energy level becomes smaller and smaller. I'm not doing well with the heat, and the pain that I experience in my lower back and hips are enough to make me constantly grumpy (I don't think I've ever taken this much tylenol in my entire 27 years of life!). I'm not sleeping well, and my body is just slowing down. I can't physically do all that I want to do, and I have unrealistic expectations that Shane should pick up what I can't do (as if he doesn't have enough on his plate...).
Shane is working long crazy hours. We have some savings, but without 2 incomes, our budget is extremely tight. Don't get me wrong, we are surviving, there just isn't a whole lot of extra cash each month to make some of the bigger purchases that we need to make.
He is also taking care of all of the deed in lieu of foreclosure junk for our old house. Wells Fargo has been nearly impossible to work with- they keep losing 100's of pages of documents that we have sent them multiple times and they keep giving us the run around. They fail to tell us what documents we still need and then, because they don't tell us what we need (even when we call every 3 days to check on things and ask what they need from us) they close our case and we have to start the 45-60 day process all over (we have started this process 4-5 times now.). We are also required to maintain the lawn and the weeds at the old house, yet they have already taken possession of the house. No one informed us that we still have to maintain a house that we don't have access to (what sense does that make?!), therefore we have received a citation from the city for overgrown weeds and grass (which we were able to take care of, but not without the help of others because we have sold all of our lawn stuff). The entire situation is just a mess and Wells Fargo just doesn't seem to care.
While I take care of the small details of our day to day living, he takes care of the "bigger picture" tasks for our family. Add two small children, grief, pregnancy, the many sicknesses that we've had this summer, and just plain busyness into the mix, and we've started drifting.
The closeness that we typically feel, isn't there. When he's home in the evenings, we literally sit next to each other and hardly say two words to each other. Not because we are angry or frustrated with each other, but because we are both so exhausted we don't have the energy to make sure things are right between us. We have been putting everything else first, and not making the work of maintaining our marriage a priority.
After a few weeks of struggling like this, we sat down and finally talked last night. It was good to get it all out there. He doesn't want to stress me out with finances, and I don't want to stress him out with the day to day tasks of running a household. We both recognize that we are both carrying extremely heavy loads and our energy is running extremely low. Both of us are trying to shelter the other from even more stress, and it's not working.
After our talk last night, I think we are back on the right track. We realize that we need to carry the load of our family together, not separately, but it's hard. It's all so hard to juggle.
As I've been thinking about writing this post, I've really struggled with exactly how much to share. I don't want it to come across as complaining or asking for help. That is the last thing I am doing. I am writing because I know that there are many of you who have "been there, done that." I know that there are many of you who can relate. I also know that there have been many of you who have gone before our Father and prayed on our behalf. I am asking you to do that once again. Pray that God continues to hold us close and provide for our needs. Pray that we are able to continue to work on keeping our marriage healthy.
I know that Shane and I will survive this. These stresses are much more mild than the stresses we have already endured. I am secure in my love for him and his love for me. We will get through this. It's just going to take some more work and lots of prayers. Will you join us?