A lot on my heart...

Sorry for the silence over the past few days.

I've had a lot on my heart and on my mind, and I've been grieving the loss of Joshua all over again.

Thursday was a really rough day for me emotionally. The awful things that have been written about me affected me more than I anticipated. The prayers for a miscarriage, threatening to call CPS on our family because we are "unfit", people being disgusted that we have been blessed with another child because we don't deserve it. They are all just words on my computer screen from people who have made assumptions about our family without personally knowing us, but they are words none the less. And they hurt. Those words ripped open a wound that was beginning to heal, and the pain of the reopened wound seemed to knock me to my knees with grief.

So I've spent the past few days out in the sun with my children and my amazing friends who are always willing to just let me cry, talk about, and deal with the nastiness. I've not seen one single comment that needed to be moderated through this blog- as those same friends did all of the moderating for me so I didn't have to read the hate and vile that was written to me. That is going to probably continue for the next few days because my spirit has been broken again, and I need to let that gaping wound start to heal over again before I can take on that task again. (I will however keep blogging because that is my best way to process my feelings- not to mention it is my way of continuing to move forward with life and to not get stuck in the grief.)

My heart is also hurting for Shane. He has been our rock over the past year and a half. He is what has carried us through the tough times of bedrest, bleeding for weeks on end, waiting for a miscarriage, a devastating diagnosis, the birth of a critically ill child, and the death of that child, the loss of our home, etc. He sacrificed his time with Joshua to continue providing financially for our family and to take care of our other children throughout Joshua's life.

Shane hadn't seen Joshua for a week and a half before he died. The first words out of his mouth when I told Shane that he was gone, were "but I haven't seen him in a week and a half...did he even know me?!"

That broke. my. heart.

It still grieves me to know that he sacrificed so much time away from Joshua for our family. (I'm crying just thinking about it.) It's so difficult, as well as humbling, to know how much of his life he truly does sacrifice for the well being of our family.

And as we are going into Father's Day tomorrow, my heart aches for him. He is such a good father and he, of all people, doesn't deserve for his son to be gone. He doesn't deserve the pain that he is sure to feel tomorrow in those quiet moments of grief that are sure to happen throughout the day. He deserves to have his son here, laughing and playing and taking comfort in his arms as he is adored by his daddy.

But reality is, is that Joshua is gone and tomorrow is going to be hard for Shane. He won't share it, he won't show it, but I know it will be there- that emptiness that just won't go away. I know he will struggle with the tension of celebrating Caleb, Hannah, and our newest little one without taking away their joy because of his grief.

It grieves me to know that he will be struggling with that pain and there is nothing that I can do to help him, other than to let him grieve how he needs to grieve and to help him celebrate the love that will be surrounding him from both myself and our other children.

So, all that to say, if I'm not around for another couple days, it's because there is a lot going on in my heart and in my mind. I'm trying to deal with the pain in a more private way without sacrificing my need for writing out my feelings. I need to continue to move forward with life in the most healthy way possible for myself. Sometimes that means just soaking up the giggles and love of my children and my husband. Sometimes that means blogging my heart out. Sometimes that means just laying on the couch for a few days, drowning my sorrows with a big bowl of chocolate chip ice cream!

Thank you all so much for your kindness and words of support and love. I know there are so many more who are supporting us, loving us, and praying for us from afar, and that means the world to me.