Saturday, June 18, 2011

A lot on my heart...

Sorry for the silence over the past few days.

I've had a lot on my heart and on my mind, and I've been grieving the loss of Joshua all over again.

Thursday was a really rough day for me emotionally. The awful things that have been written about me affected me more than I anticipated. The prayers for a miscarriage, threatening to call CPS on our family because we are "unfit", people being disgusted that we have been blessed with another child because we don't deserve it. They are all just words on my computer screen from people who have made assumptions about our family without personally knowing us, but they are words none the less. And they hurt. Those words ripped open a wound that was beginning to heal, and the pain of the reopened wound seemed to knock me to my knees with grief.

So I've spent the past few days out in the sun with my children and my amazing friends who are always willing to just let me cry, talk about, and deal with the nastiness. I've not seen one single comment that needed to be moderated through this blog- as those same friends did all of the moderating for me so I didn't have to read the hate and vile that was written to me. That is going to probably continue for the next few days because my spirit has been broken again, and I need to let that gaping wound start to heal over again before I can take on that task again. (I will however keep blogging because that is my best way to process my feelings- not to mention it is my way of continuing to move forward with life and to not get stuck in the grief.)

My heart is also hurting for Shane. He has been our rock over the past year and a half. He is what has carried us through the tough times of bedrest, bleeding for weeks on end, waiting for a miscarriage, a devastating diagnosis, the birth of a critically ill child, and the death of that child, the loss of our home, etc. He sacrificed his time with Joshua to continue providing financially for our family and to take care of our other children throughout Joshua's life.

Shane hadn't seen Joshua for a week and a half before he died. The first words out of his mouth when I told Shane that he was gone, were "but I haven't seen him in a week and a half...did he even know me?!"

That broke. my. heart.

It still grieves me to know that he sacrificed so much time away from Joshua for our family. (I'm crying just thinking about it.) It's so difficult, as well as humbling, to know how much of his life he truly does sacrifice for the well being of our family.

And as we are going into Father's Day tomorrow, my heart aches for him. He is such a good father and he, of all people, doesn't deserve for his son to be gone. He doesn't deserve the pain that he is sure to feel tomorrow in those quiet moments of grief that are sure to happen throughout the day. He deserves to have his son here, laughing and playing and taking comfort in his arms as he is adored by his daddy.

But reality is, is that Joshua is gone and tomorrow is going to be hard for Shane. He won't share it, he won't show it, but I know it will be there- that emptiness that just won't go away. I know he will struggle with the tension of celebrating Caleb, Hannah, and our newest little one without taking away their joy because of his grief.

It grieves me to know that he will be struggling with that pain and there is nothing that I can do to help him, other than to let him grieve how he needs to grieve and to help him celebrate the love that will be surrounding him from both myself and our other children.

So, all that to say, if I'm not around for another couple days, it's because there is a lot going on in my heart and in my mind. I'm trying to deal with the pain in a more private way without sacrificing my need for writing out my feelings. I need to continue to move forward with life in the most healthy way possible for myself. Sometimes that means just soaking up the giggles and love of my children and my husband. Sometimes that means blogging my heart out. Sometimes that means just laying on the couch for a few days, drowning my sorrows with a big bowl of chocolate chip ice cream!

Thank you all so much for your kindness and words of support and love. I know there are so many more who are supporting us, loving us, and praying for us from afar, and that means the world to me.


Alexia said...

You are always on my mind Jill and I will always hold you and your family in my heart.Sending Shane gentle hugs for tomorrow and sending all of you my love.

Jessica said...

praying for you guys this weekend and especially Shane! Love you!

leah said...

You are in my heart. I pray Shane can feel comfort and love on a difficult day. Shane you are truly and awesome father and husband. I'm so sorry that you want have all your children around you tomorrow. My heart aches for you!

Christi said...

Thinking of you. That breaks my heart for your husband. When our second child was hospitalized my husband had to go back to work so I was at the hospital with her. One day they came and told me that the chaplain was coming because they didn't expect her to make it, and I still remember clearly thinking that can't happen...her daddy isn't here with her too. So I share that story, because my heart is breaking for your family. Many hugs and warm wishes for your heart to mend (as much as it can without Joshua on earth).

Anonymous said...

My heart just breaks for you. It just sickens me to my stomach that people could be so hateful. I will be praying for you and I hope that you will find rest and the peace that you need. I'm just thankful that you have a HOPE that real and true and I'm so thankful that He blessed you with another child. :) I know you are friends with Matt from Sanctus Real, but it just seems appropiate to post these lyrics.

“Redeemer” – Sanctus Real
Sometimes I just want to start over, ’cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, ’cause I can’t see what’s ahead
And there are places I’ve wished I could be, battles I’ve wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I’m still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I’ve lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
‘Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I’d rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
‘Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I’m still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I’ve lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
‘Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I’ve given up on too many things, but I’m not giving up on You
‘Cause You can make anything new

I don’t have every answer in life
But I’m trusting You one day at a time
‘Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I’m still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

‘Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

Auntie Mip said...

Dear Jill,

Long time reader, first time poster. I want you to know you are brave. I want you to know your children are blessed with a gem of a mommy. I want you to know that this too shall pass. I want you to know that your new beautiful boy will heal your heart in a magical way. I want you to know that your Joshua is proud of a mommy who is bold and truthful. I want you to know that your words are powerful, strong, passionate and resonate with so many people. I want you to know that your courage and grace despite truly vile behavior is the stuff our Savior is made of. I want you to know that I read those words today and stopped, took a deep breath and prayed for you and your family. If all of this ugliness and hurt makes complete strangers stop and pray for your family, lingo their words to the heavens on your behalf, mYbe just maybe something good came from it all. And that my dear is what I want you to know"

Amy said...

You are such an amazing woman, Jill. Wise beyond your years for sure. You and Shane are so lucky to have each other. <3

Kari said...

I pray blessings over your family today and always. Thinking of you guys. Kari, joel's mom.

Dana Sears said...

It breaks my heart that some people think they have the the right to judge others, or give a person who they don't know unasked for advice. I am so sorry that you are still having to deal with these people who don't understand what advocacy is.
Nick reads your blog, and today I caught him balling. He is thinking of your family, especially Shane. Your family is constantly on our minds.

Love you dear, and I pray that these most un-human people get a dose of reality and leave your family alone.

The Sears Fam.

Beth said...

Love you guys and will be praying for all of you, especially Shane today. Happy Fathers Day, bittersweet though it is. Be blessed. "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!"

Amanda said...

Prayers and hugs over and over again.

Lis said...

God Bless your family tremendously and comfort you and your husband as only He can.

Deanna said...

Hugs! Praying for you and Shane.

Stefenie said...

Thinking of you Jill and praying for your family during this most difficult time. I am sorry that there are people out there who exist to purely torment and degrade fellow human beings. You most certainly do not deserve any of that abuse. It is unfair and just plain cruel. Hold your head high dear friend and do not let, for a single second, those people to bring you down. Keep spreading God's love and enjoying your family.

TJ said...

My prayers and thoughts are with you! Those that judge will be judged one day, but it isn't much comfort right now.

I was 18 weeks pregnant when my twins were diagnosed with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I was 19 weeks when we chose to undergo laser ablation in the hopes of saving their lives. We were blessed, the boys had a 70-75% chance that they would both survive the surgery, and they did. There are people who would tell you we shouldn't have risked the surgery, we should have waited. Yet I believed then, as I do now, we would have lost both of our boys had we not acted quickly.

As parent's we always do what we feel is best, and that is all we can do.

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled on your blog, and felt I needed to tell you that "Your battle has been won for you." God is with you, and he will change the hearts of those who have hurt you. He is sending you protection and love from all the corners of the earth. May the strength and peace of God go with you always. <3 <3 <3 There's a facebook group called Spiritual Milk (& Formula!) that is run by a really cool lady named Heidi. She's a doula and has a real gift for comforting and healing, and there is a lot of non-judgmental love & support among the women in her group. If you feel like checking it out sometime, you're always welcome.

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