Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mother's Day

Yet another day that I was not expecting to be so hard for me. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays and Anniversaries- those are the holidays that I expected to be hard- not Mother's Day.

I have 2 3 living children. Why would it be difficult? I can focus on them, and not on what is missing. Or can I?

I am a mother to 4 children. 3 of them are with me. 2 can physically give me hugs and kisses, one is inside me, growing and developing. The other? I will never see him again- at least not on this side of Heaven.

So why is this Mother's Day so hard? Why do I feel like crawling into a hole and letting the day come without a single celebration or gift?

Because 1/4 of my heart is gone. 1 out of my 4 children will never get to give me a hug or kiss and look at me with a goofy smile while they hold a handmade card up for me to ooo and ahhh over.

I know I should focus on my 3 living children (especially the two who know what is going on and want to celebrate mother's day with me). I know I should not ruin the day for them, but it's so hard not to think about what should have been- the 3 little bodies that I should be snuggling in bed and telling them how much I love them.


McEngland like the McCountry said...

I am sad, but not surprised in the least, to find this post today. I've been praying for you and your sweet family. As I picked up Declan from preschool on Friday, his teachers gave me a tile with his handprints forming a butterfly glazed across it. It was the class mother's day project. I looked at it and immediately thought of you and how you'd give anything to have a preschool teacher hand you Joshua's mother's day project to you. I wrestled my squirmy, strong toddler into the carseat and hauled my enormously pregnant body into the drivers seat and then I cried... And I said a prayer for you. I'm saying another one now.
Sending all the love in the world to surround you tomorrow. You are still the mother of four beautiful souls. Not 2, not 3. 4 complete, beautiful souls

Lis said...

I'm so sorry..I most certainly understand, though I never held the two I lost, I still think about, usually around holidays, that I should have 3 children around the tree or as you mentioned giving those handmade cards..anyway, don't be hard on yourself...I know my way around grief a little too well and those waves will knock the breath out of you at times...The odd thing is, for me at least, when a wave of grief knocks me down, some how, God always lifts me back up..I'll be praying for you as you face this extremely difficult emotion they call grief..For what it's worth, I hope you have an awesome Mother's Day!
P.S - just curious, do you have a symbol that you look for, like for hope?
For me its butterflies, solid white are my babies,yellow is my best friend, blue is my brother, and orange is my mentor, any other color I see just becomes the person I happen to be missing at that time...Just a silly thought, but if you have a symbol to look for, it might help you..God always knows just when I need a butterfly to visit..He always knows..(If I talk too much just stop me) Love & Prayers ~ Lis

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Lis- no I don't have a symbol...i've never really thought of creating one...and you never talk too much! I love hearing from you, you have some great insight!

Katy- you always know what to say and how to bring comfort to me. I think I'm headed down to Knoxville in late July...we will DEFINITELY need to meet if you are up to it! I know God has brought you to me for a reason...

McEngland like the McCountry said...

Jill. We live in Lynchburg, VA right now but we will hopefully be moving to Johnson City, TN in July if Ben gets the offer. It's an hour and a half a way. If you end up in Knoxville, I'll drive down to meet you.

Lis said...

I don't talk too much, that's a first. Yes, the butterfly symbol happened when I was under a bridge clearing my brother n law's belongings from a wreck site. 5 days earlier I'd lost my best friend to a brain aneurism* and her favorite color was yellow. A yellow butterfly appeared, followed by a blue (which was his favorite), a few weeks later when my mentor died I asked God to send me one for him and an orange appeared..Just recently I noticed tiny white butterflies that looked so innocent and pure I made them the symbol of Emily & Dalton, my mc', its good to have something, even something that may seem silly, to help when dealing with grief..A visit from a butterfly is like being reassured that my loved ones are with me..God Bless You bunches!

Stefenie said...

Happy Mother's Day Jill! Thinking of you and sending up a little prayers that you can feel Joshua's love shining down on you!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Happy Mother's Day. Enjoy snuggling with your wee bodies

The Hoitsma's said...

Concentrating on your children that are here with you can be easier said than done. You are a strong woman and I'm sure that you aren't letting down Caleb & Hannah.

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