Life Has to Go On

Today was such a good day for me.

Our family went to the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo.

We spent the day in the sunshine, watching the animals (and people!) and spending the day together as a family without any distractions. (I didn't even take my phone with me today!)

As the day went by, I noticed that I felt like something was missing. After sitting for a few minutes, I realized that I was simply missing Joshua.

As I sat next to Caleb on a short train ride around the zoo, listening to him giggle, and talk about his favorite animals, I couldn't help but think about what we are missing with Joshua. I wondered what his favorite animal would have been, what would make him giggle, what type of sandwich he would want me to pack for him for lunch.

As I sat thinking about those things, I looked at Caleb and I felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with love for the little boy sitting next to me- if it weren't for him and his sister, I'm not sure how I would be handling life. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of loss- missing the baby who entered into his eternal Home straight from my arms. I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace as I thought about how far I have come in my journey with grief.

I could have very easily let the tears overtake me. I could have broken down right then and there. But in that moment, Caleb, Hannah, and Shane were enjoying themselves, and I didn't want to impose my feelings on them. I didn't want to take away the joy of that train ride.

So I did the only thing I knew to do in that moment. I sucked back the tears, and I silently thanked God for the 51 days that we had with Joshua, I thanked Him for the 3 most precious people in my life who were sitting right next to me, and I thanked Him for the promise that I WILL see Joshua again.

As I tried to hold back the tears, I realized why I was struggling with letting the pain go and just trying to live life. I realized that life HAS TO go on. For the sake of my children and my husband, it has no other choice but to go on.

After Joshua died, I didn't want life to continue on. I got angry when I saw how "stupid" others Facebook posts were. I got frustrated when others complained about their children or their spouse. I wanted the world to stop and feel the pain that I felt- how could they not? (One thing I have learned about grief is that it is EXTREMELY selfish, and while that's OK for a while, it can't continue on forever.)

In those early days of grief, the tears came easily. They ruined perfectly good moments. They overtook conversations and created awkward situations. They caused my children to run to me saying "Mommy, it will be ok. I know you are sad and you miss Joshua. It will be ok."

But as time has moved on, the pain hasn't lessened, but it has changed. I am able to hold back the tears and allow others to just be in the moment without my pain overtaking the situation. I am able to accept the fact that life has and will continue to move forward, and I can either fight it or move with it.

In that moment with Caleb jabbering on and on about the animals, I was able to just let him enjoy that moment without drawing attention to my pain. I have realized that for as much as I don't want it to, life HAS TO go on- for the sake of those I love, for my sake, for Joshua's sake.

Life simply must go on.