"Suddenly I realize that the sheer intensity of my love cannot protect this child from the perils of life. Spinal meningitis, Playground tragedies, Traffic accidents. God, I cannot stand it. My chest contracts with unborn grief. My breath comes quickly. To risk love is to risk loss. Shadows stretch across the living room and across my mind. And then I hear it. The still, small voice saying gently, deep inside, "You're not a proud new owner. You're a trusted caretaker. This is MY child, and I've lent him to you. Love him dearly, but hold him freely. Trust me for the days ahead."
-Sandra Bernlehr Clark, In a Mother's Touch
A friend of mine had this as her status update on Facebook shortly after she gave birth to her first baby.
As I read it, I wept.
You see, this status could not have come at a better time. In that moment, I was overwhelmed by the sadness of Joshua's death. I was mourning, grieving, and weeping. I was reliving the memories of my pregnancy, the feelings of helplessness as he entered this world, the hope that we felt as he flew through his first surgery. And then I relived the loss. The feeling of desperation. The questions of "Why me?" and "Why my child?" and "What could I have done differently?"
But then there was that quote- posted in the exact moment that I needed it most.
"Suddenly I realize that the sheer intensity of my love cannot protect this child from the perils of life."
A friend of mine had this as her status update on Facebook shortly after she gave birth to her first baby.
As I read it, I wept.
You see, this status could not have come at a better time. In that moment, I was overwhelmed by the sadness of Joshua's death. I was mourning, grieving, and weeping. I was reliving the memories of my pregnancy, the feelings of helplessness as he entered this world, the hope that we felt as he flew through his first surgery. And then I relived the loss. The feeling of desperation. The questions of "Why me?" and "Why my child?" and "What could I have done differently?"
But then there was that quote- posted in the exact moment that I needed it most.
"Suddenly I realize that the sheer intensity of my love cannot protect this child from the perils of life."
My love was not enough. It was good enough, but it was not enough. There was and is a God at work who is MUCH bigger than any love I could ever give to any of my children. My love was not enough to keep Joshua here. Oh how I wish it was. But God's love is enough. It is enough to give my precious son an eternal life. His love was and is enough. I wish my love was enough, but I'm so thankful that God's love is more than mine could ever be.
"The still, small voice saying gently, deep inside, 'You're not a proud new owner. You're a trusted caretaker. This is MY child, and I've lent him to you. Love him dearly, but hold him freely. Trust me for the days ahead."
He never was MY child. He was always God's child. We knew that from the very beginning. But we never knew what it meant to hold him freely until the moment that we were faced with death. We were willing to fight, but we were also willing to let go. We were willing to trust- no matter what that looked like.
Lately, I've found myself becoming fearful of my children's futures. I see what is going on in the world around me, and it makes me fearful for the hardships, trials, and pain they may will experience in their lifetimes. Just like we did with Joshua, we have to do the same for all of our children. Love them dearly, but hold them freely and trust Him for the days ahead. We have to lean on God's love and understanding, and instill in them that God's love will ALWAYS be enough.
5 comments:
Wow... amazing. Something I needed to read as well. I'm actually going to "steal" it and post.
I spend so much time with my mind in dark places of worry. This is such a poignant statement. Thank You.
Neysa
I have never responded to one of your posts, but have been reading since Joshua's death. Lately, I have found myself approaching your posts with a pessimistic flippancy, thinking, "I can't bear to read another post that puts me in such a sad mood today." I opened your blog today with the same thought. I am humbly corrected.
Recently, my husband and I have started discussing with more seriousness the possibility of starting a family. I myself have recurrent fears of what this world will do to my children despite my best efforts. This post today has so eloquently placed those fears in front of the world to judge, mock, ridicule, praise, and bless. I commend you for your bravery. Sometimes we may not want to admit to ourselves that our love simply is not enough to shield our children from the perils of life.
This is where God comes in. That is evidenced today in your post. Keep fighting the good fight.
Thank you Jill. Your entries are always a source of inspiration for me and today was no different. Having watched my daughter go through a MRI on Tuesday I spent the time she was in the tube praying for God to heal her and that nothing would be found on the MRI. As difficult as it is I prayed to remember that she is not mine but His and this post resonates that thought perfectly. I can't always protect her but God will always be with her no matter what. Thank you Jill and as always you and your family are in my prayers.
What an AMAZING post. Such an AWESOME reminder when I so very need it. This one of those posts that you will need to repost in the future because I guarantee God will use it to touch someones life then just as it has now. Thank you.
Perfectly said. Your faith is inspiring. Blessings...
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