Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Dreaming

I had a dream last night. I don't remember the tiny details of it or even who it was about, but I remember most of it. It has left me drained and somewhat emotional today.

I dreamed that someone close to me passed away. I don't remember who it was, but I know that it was a woman. As we said our final goodbyes to her, I had a vision.

She was up in Heaven. She was holding Joshua.

I felt relieved. After Joshua died, I was devastated because I felt like he was up in Heaven alone. We've not had very many deaths in our family- all of my grandparents are living except for one of my grandpas and Shane has had a few relatives pass, but not very many. (I know he is not alone, but not knowing who he is up there with made me extremely sad.)

 I dreamed that this woman reached down from Heaven and told me that she had Joshua in her care, safe and sound. He was perfect and whole, and he was waiting for us to join him. He was a happy baby, intense in nature, and wise beyond his years.

I felt relief that he was taken care and healthy, but seeing him alive yet unreachable smashed my already broken heart into many smaller pieces.

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I've had so many good days. My bad days are becoming further and further apart. I'm able to live life. I've been volunteering again, getting out and playing with the kids, and working on some plans for the future. I've been able to look at Joshua's pictures and smile- remembering the sweet baby that he was.

But I can't do that today. Today I miss my boy. I am angry with myself for not getting a single family picture of the 5 of us. I hurt for Shane that he didn't get to see his son very often. I'm feeling guilty for all that Joshua had to endure during his short life- tubes, wires, open chests, hospital air, pain, drugs, sedation. He never got to experience the sunshine, fresh air, car rides, or home. Today, I'm struggling with everything that was taken from us- a healthy baby, all of the baby milestones, a smash cake on his first birthday, months and years of pictures and memories.

I had a whole day planned for today, but instead I think I'm going to go into hibernation and allow myself to feel what I need to feel.

I miss my boy. I miss him so SO much. When these days come, they come hard.

9 comments:

Arika said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers, as always.

Carla Sue said...

You are still grieving. That's okay. I hate how our dreams will come and knock the wind out of our sails sometimes. But I think that God uses them to make us see, think about, and feel things that we need at that moment. I love ya and if you need to talk, you know my number.

Jill said...

I want to come visit. Miss you. I can show you my sunflower seed trick. Guarandangteed to at least make your stomach turn, and at best make you smile. Thoughts? :D

Chris, Diana, Elena, and Sadie said...

Sometimes our dreams are insane, making no sense whatsoever. And sometimes, God uses our dreams as a way to speak to us when our conscious minds fail to provide us comfort. I'm so sorry it has taken such a toll on you, but at the same time I rejoice in this gift--a tiny glimpse of sweet Joshua in his glorified body.

My grandmother passed away a few years ago. She had osteoporosis and was in a wheelchair for years. Weeks after her funeral, I had a dream about her. She was in heaven, and she was standing! She was walking without effort, lighter than air. She was pain-free, and she was so happy. I know it's a different situation. But that dream, albeit draining for me, gave me so much joy. To not only know in my heart but also with my eyes that she was okay, that God keeps His promises--it makes me long for heaven even more.

I believe that there will be accomplishments in heaven. I believe that Joshua will get his smash cake, but he'll wait for you. It will seem like an eternity for you before you're reunited, but for him it will only seem like moments. Love you, and still praying.

Lisette said...

((HUGS)) days like this are not easy. Be gentle on yourseld.

Jamie Roberts said...

Still praying for you!

Shawn Becker said...

Keeping you in my prayers.

brooke said...

His name came up at work today. We said it out loud and we talked about him. We talked about how well photographed he was and how we wish our new little friend with the same diagnosis had the same amount of pictures. It motivated us to go take some. He is not forgotten.

Auntie M said...

...Love...

 
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