Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Dear Joshua,

Where to start?

You have been gone for almost 5 months now. You would be 7 months old this month. Where has the time gone?

There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of you. There have been plenty of days without tears, but there have also been plenty where the tears flow uncontrollably.

February came and went. I relived the devastation of your death all over again after I realized that you were supposed to be 6 months old. I went everyday wondering if that day was the day that we would have been handing you over to the surgeons again for your 2nd stage surgery.

While I would do anything to have had you here, I am thankful that I don't have to go through that again. There is nothing worse than having to hand your baby over to the surgeon for a 3rd open chest/open heart surgery. But don't get me wrong, I would have done it a thousand times over if it meant that I got to keep you.

Joshua, there have been many babies who have died after you. I can't help but think you are all in a nursery in Heaven waiting for your mommies, daddies, brothers, and sisters to join you. There have been many times that I have cried because the loss of another baby brings out all of the grief that I have felt over losing you. It's not fair that mommies have to go without their babies. I don't understand why it has to be, but I'm thankful that you will never know the loss of a child, a brother or sister, or even a parent. You are whole, complete, healed, perfect, and without pain or sadness. Oh how I envy you and long for the day that I will join you.

Joshua things have been hard. Your daddy and I are having to make some really tough decisions. We thought we had it all planned out and then you left. We are trying to figure out how to live, where to go, and what to do. You turned our lives upside down, but I would do it all over again in a heart beat. We miss you so SO much. Daddy and I were talking the other day: if we could even just go back to the day of your funeral, at least we would still be able to see your body, smell your hair, touch your tiny fingers and toes. I would do anything to have even a moment with you, give you one more kiss, tell you I love you just once more. I would do anything.


I just want you to know how much we love you and how dearly we miss you. Our family isn't complete without you and we are still learning to live with the big gaping wound that was opened when you left this earth.

I love you so so much sweet baby of mine- my Mr. Yeshwa Half a Heart.

Love you forever,

Mama

6 comments:

BlessedMommy said...

You are a very loved boy, Mr. Joshua!

Jill, I think of him everyday, and will still think of him daily 20 years from now.

Neysa

Veronica said...

Oh Jill... I'm in tears. Joshua is always close in our hearts.

Peach said...

Happy birthday Joshua, many people on Earth miss you.

truedaughterofmary said...

Wishing you some peace -

Jessica said...

you will never be forgotten.

John, Janna, Alana, Thomas, and James said...

Jill,
I found your blog tonight and cried again as I read our story. Sort of. My wife and I had twin boys Aug 28th last year. Thomas was diagnosed CHD on November 12. He died on December the 10th. I am very sorry for your loss. I hope for the day when I can breathe normally again. I will pray for your family.

from one grieving parent to another.

 
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