We woke up nice and early Saturday morning to go to my parents house for breakfast and to get everything ready for Caleb's party. Shane's parent's arrived in town around 11:30 so we spent the rest of the day with them. Caleb's party began at 5 and I was amazed at the amount of people that showed up! (especially because we had to reschedule the party from the original date!) I counted 40 people- 18 of them were young children!
The party was such an amazing time of celebrating another year with Caleb. It was loud, there were tons of kids, and lots of food (that I pretty much ran out of!) There was lots of laughing, kids swiping icing off the cake, and my brother's dog running around cleaning up everyone's leftovers.
In the midst of all the fun, I still felt that small but constant feeling of emptiness. On a table in the corner of the room was a picture frame that typically sits in our living room that I brought over to my parents house for the party. A picture frame that holds the only remnants of a child that I once had. A child that I will never get to throw a birthday party for. A child that I will never see grow, smile, and laugh.
There were moments at the party that I laughed the hardest I have in a long time, but those moments are always overshadowed by the complete brokenness that I feel. No one knew that I was struggling. This party was not about me and my pain- it was about celebrating Caleb and his 5 beautiful years of life. I wanted him to have a special party that was nothing but happiness, love, and joy. I wanted it to truly be a celebration of his life- and it was. But all the while, on the inside, I wanted to run as far away as I could. I wanted to lock myself in the bathroom and scream and cry.
I know that this will not always be this difficult. I realize that Joshua has only been gone for 4 months. It felt really REALLY good to be surrounded with so many small children and so many people who love my family. But it's occasions like this that make me wonder how I am going to be able to live with this pain for the rest of my life. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like holding back the tears when they threaten to take over an event that has nothing to do with me. I don't like the selfishness and unpredictability that grief brings. I don't want to live like this, but I also don't want to forget. I don't want to forget about the baby that used to roll around in my belly. I don't want to forget about that tiny baby who's heart we could see beating in his chest. I don't want to forget about the baby that has changed my life so completely. I want to feel the pain because it reminds me that he was here and alive and mine.
I'm so thankful for Caleb and for all that he has done for me. I am thankful for who he is and who he is becoming. I am proud to be his mother. I thank God for his health and for his life each and every day. I want nothing but joy for him.
So while we celebrated another year of life for one of my children, I've had to, once again, continue to let go of another.
8 comments:
I love you dear friend. It will always be hard, I am certain, but you are allowed to mourn, to cry, to be selfish and grieve. Caleb is one blessing. Hannah is another. And Joshua is a blessing too. All beautiful and equal. <3 I'm here whenever you need me.
I don't really have much to say except I'm sorry for the pain. And happy birthday to Caleb.
You will not forget and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to forget. I will not forget either.
I am glad Caleb had an awesome birthday! Be blessed, friend.
I pray for you so often. Thank you for blogging. I read this every day!
Love,
A fellow Sister in Christ
It's really beautiful how you celebrate his life.
Take care and God Bless.
I hope peace finds you. Happy birthday to your boy! Blessings, Megan
I can really relate to this post a lot right now. This past weekend we celebrated my youngest daughters 12th birthday, on the 11th. 10 months ago, little Johnny was born on April 11th. I look at her and am thankful for the joy she brings, but as you said, I feel like I am letting go of the little life of my son I so deeply cherished. While I would love to say these feelings get easier, sometimes they just aren't better. There are days I feel like I've moved past the constant grief and just have the occasional reminder, but the next day I feel a heavy burden and weight that holds me back. As we are nearing the anniversary of his birth and then death, I feel moments of panic. I pray that these pass quickly, but am learning that in grief there are no rights or wrongs, and it changes daily.
Your heart speaks some of the words I cannot say right now, I have to keep them to myself...I had been blogging about it but was told I needed to stop, so nothing I said could be used against us by lawyers. I just have to say though, that when you write these things, they are my thoughts, and my words as well. Yes there is healing going on, and God is blessing us, as we are expecting twins...but that does not for one second take away the raw feelings that we have of the loss of our son.
They are forever ours, nothing takes that away...and finding the good points to focus on like that active little baby moving around inside of us are the good times we need to hold onto. We knew them well, and loved them more than we ever could have imagined..and that doesn't go away. Forever, Ours.
Sending you love and hugs, and letting you know, that it won't always be this hard every day. God is holding you and your family in the palm of his hand.
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