Today

I went to church.....sort of....

I went. I took the kids back to children's and then I hid. I talked to my friend Molly as she opened doors and greeted. I hid behind the wall so noone would see me as they walked into the building.

I walked into the service after it had already begun. I was greeted by another friend who told me she was so glad I was there. It was all I could do to hold back the sobs.

I found a spot in the back...by myself (shane worked this weekend). The music began. I stood up for maybe half of a song. I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch the people in front of me worship. I couldn't stand reading the words on the screen. My lips started quivering and I wasn't sure if I would last.

I sat. I tried to pray. I couldn't take it any longer. I got up and left.

I sat in the hallway (hidden somewhat behind a table) and sobbed and sobbed. I sent a few texts to friends who I knew could understand my struggles. I called a friend. I cried and cried and cried. The only reason I stayed there was because I didn't want to go get the kids out of children's church with a tear stained face.

I sat and just let the tears roll. I sobbed. I begged God to take this pain from me. I threatened to give it all up entirely- knowing full well that God can handle whatever threats I throw at Him.

I, in my own way, told God that I know He is bigger than this, but that I'm also PISSED at Him for allowing Joshua to die.

I heard the last song of the service being played so I went to the bathroom to calm myself down and try to take away the redness and puffyness of my eyes and nose (I wanted to be out of there before everyone got out of the service). I had to go get the kids.

 I walked down the hallway to sign the kids out and there was another friend. She looked at me with such compassion in her eyes and I lost it. I was a heaping puddle of sobs and tears again. She silently listened and squeezed my hands. Her silence was reassuring and comforting. Her eyes said enough- "I hurt for you. I want to help but I'm helpless."

I awkwardly picked up the kids- I had visibly been crying. Caleb looked up at me with wise old eyes- just like Joshua's- and said "Mommy- why does it look like you were crying? Are you OK?" My heart sank- he has seen me cry too much these past 3 months. I quickly prayed that God would not allow this to damage Caleb- that it would only make him more compassionate and loving towards others.

The pain of losing Joshua is still very real and still very raw. Somedays I am ok. Others I am the farthest thing from it.

The anger at God scares me. I don't blame him, but I also know that He could have done something to stop it. He chose not to.

The selfishness of grief is terrifying. I feel like the entire world should revolve around me me me. How can life possibly go on when I am in so much pain? How can people actually be smiling and laughing when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die? I know in my head that most people have not experienced this sort of pain. They hardly knew Joshua- just what they saw of him through my blog and on facebook. Most will never know what to say or how to act when they are around me. I know in my head that they care- but my heart doesn't feel it.

Tonight, my eyes are burning from the tears that I have shed today. My heart and arms ache for a little boy with the wisest old eyes I have ever seen. My pain is almost unbearable as I watch my children play and laugh- knowing that I will never see Joshua do that on this side of Heaven. Tonight, my world and my faith have once again been turned upside down- I can only pray that tomorrow will bring some peace and a sense of closeness to God.

I'm hanging on by a thread here. I feel like that is awful- but I guess I'm still clinging and that is all that matters. God knows my heart, he feels my pain. He is still good- even when I stubbornly don't want to admit it.

I just gotta keep clinging.