Sunday, January 9, 2011

Today

I went to church.....sort of....

I went. I took the kids back to children's and then I hid. I talked to my friend Molly as she opened doors and greeted. I hid behind the wall so noone would see me as they walked into the building.

I walked into the service after it had already begun. I was greeted by another friend who told me she was so glad I was there. It was all I could do to hold back the sobs.

I found a spot in the back...by myself (shane worked this weekend). The music began. I stood up for maybe half of a song. I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch the people in front of me worship. I couldn't stand reading the words on the screen. My lips started quivering and I wasn't sure if I would last.

I sat. I tried to pray. I couldn't take it any longer. I got up and left.

I sat in the hallway (hidden somewhat behind a table) and sobbed and sobbed. I sent a few texts to friends who I knew could understand my struggles. I called a friend. I cried and cried and cried. The only reason I stayed there was because I didn't want to go get the kids out of children's church with a tear stained face.

I sat and just let the tears roll. I sobbed. I begged God to take this pain from me. I threatened to give it all up entirely- knowing full well that God can handle whatever threats I throw at Him.

I, in my own way, told God that I know He is bigger than this, but that I'm also PISSED at Him for allowing Joshua to die.

I heard the last song of the service being played so I went to the bathroom to calm myself down and try to take away the redness and puffyness of my eyes and nose (I wanted to be out of there before everyone got out of the service). I had to go get the kids.

 I walked down the hallway to sign the kids out and there was another friend. She looked at me with such compassion in her eyes and I lost it. I was a heaping puddle of sobs and tears again. She silently listened and squeezed my hands. Her silence was reassuring and comforting. Her eyes said enough- "I hurt for you. I want to help but I'm helpless."

I awkwardly picked up the kids- I had visibly been crying. Caleb looked up at me with wise old eyes- just like Joshua's- and said "Mommy- why does it look like you were crying? Are you OK?" My heart sank- he has seen me cry too much these past 3 months. I quickly prayed that God would not allow this to damage Caleb- that it would only make him more compassionate and loving towards others.

The pain of losing Joshua is still very real and still very raw. Somedays I am ok. Others I am the farthest thing from it.

The anger at God scares me. I don't blame him, but I also know that He could have done something to stop it. He chose not to.

The selfishness of grief is terrifying. I feel like the entire world should revolve around me me me. How can life possibly go on when I am in so much pain? How can people actually be smiling and laughing when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and die? I know in my head that most people have not experienced this sort of pain. They hardly knew Joshua- just what they saw of him through my blog and on facebook. Most will never know what to say or how to act when they are around me. I know in my head that they care- but my heart doesn't feel it.

Tonight, my eyes are burning from the tears that I have shed today. My heart and arms ache for a little boy with the wisest old eyes I have ever seen. My pain is almost unbearable as I watch my children play and laugh- knowing that I will never see Joshua do that on this side of Heaven. Tonight, my world and my faith have once again been turned upside down- I can only pray that tomorrow will bring some peace and a sense of closeness to God.

I'm hanging on by a thread here. I feel like that is awful- but I guess I'm still clinging and that is all that matters. God knows my heart, he feels my pain. He is still good- even when I stubbornly don't want to admit it.

I just gotta keep clinging.

18 comments:

Jessica said...

Jill,

you almost made me start crying. My heart breaks for you when I read posts like this. It hurts me to see you struggle so much. know that I am here for you if you want to talk. I wanted to share a verse with you that I found comforting in the last few weeks.

Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.Hosea 6:1

Sometimes I know that you just need to grief but I also hope that today you have been able to talk to people that care about and love you. I am always here for you need something.

Blessings Friend!

Jessica

Stephanie, Daughter of the Risen King said...

Praying for you dear friend... It must be so hard. Thank you again for your transparency. You continue to teach us, just like Joshua. Those wise eyes would twinkle and say "Oh Momma, don't suffer. I love you SO much just like God."

Anonymous said...

Jill,

HE will meet you where you are at. Know that in your heart. He has not left you, He silently wipes your tears away....knowing the pain that you are enduring. My heart aches for you. I mean deep down aches. I wish I knew the words to say to you that could even begin to help heal the hurt in your soul, but I don't. So I simply say to you - I weep with you.

Shannon Egan

Anonymous said...

I think a lot of times God does things like this to strengthen people....I don't know. Just my thought.

Keep hanging on.

baby foot fluff said...

Jill, you keep clinging and we'll be underneath you waiting to catch you in case you fall. I think God has led us here to do that for you.

Heather said...

Have you read the book "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo? I know that you don't in any way doubt the realness (is that a word?) of Heaven, but it's just such a sweet little book. It spoke to me and it speaks of children growing up in Heaven. Again, (((HUGS))).

Carla Sue said...

You can call me any time, any day, any hour. I know that I suck at giving you the right words, but I do love you and hopefully, I can make that known. I wish hugs could be given through phones.

steve, bess & dizzy said...

Lifting you up in prayer!

Lyndsey said...

Jill, my heart aches for you. How I wish there was more I could do. Please call or text me anytime, and know that I care so very much.

Beth W. said...

Sobbing....Love you, Jill.

Paula B said...

I know I don't know how you feel or what you go through everyday without Joshua. My heart does ache for you. And I know I can't fix it. And I am one who likes to fix things/situations. All I can say is I love you, your husband Shane loves you, your children Caleb, Hannah, & little Joshua love you. But what's even greater is that God loves you no matter what you are feeling. And that is amazing! Your friend, Paula.

Kay said...

Praying for you, Jill! God is good...all the time. (That was for both of us!)

Anonymous said...

Job 8:21 He will yet fill your mouth with laughter
and your lips with shouts of joy.

Stephanie said...

love you..always

Anonymous said...

Dear Jill

I don't know what its like to be where you are with having to say goodbye to your precious son so soon, but I do know what pain is, big pain and I have been feeling it for months and months. But God is right there with us and loving us always and for always... He understands whats its like to lose something you love so much that your heart cannot beat another second, remember he had to give up his only son and so you did the right thing by going to church yesterday, God see's you and he is so very proud of you and he loves you so much , he is holding you close everyday, he knows how many hairs are on your head and every single tear that drops from your beautiful face. So know this Jill your heart is in the right place and Jesus will never leave nor forsake you. Remember the story in the bible about the lady that suffered for 12 years? And the moment she touched the hem of his clothes she was healed!! So could you imagine the pain she went through while all these woman were making plans and laughing she was sitting there suffering for years and years. Know your NOT alone in your pain. Your loved by so many! May you be brought to smile today by the LORD himself!! That is my prayer for you today!

Jesus loves you

Peach said...

I like what anonymous above me has said. I wish, somehow, that there was a way to make you feel the love we have for you in your heart and not just in your head.

If I could wrap you in a hug and protect you from all this pain, even for a second, I would (even if it is kind of weird to be hugged by a stranger). You are amazingly strong, you will make it through this and you will do amazing things. You already have done amazing things.

bcate said...

Hi, Jill :-)
I have been quietly reading your blog posts for months, sometimes smiling, sometimes crying. I can't pretend to imagine the immense pain that you are in. While I have never experienced the level of loss that you have, I did go through a divorce and I, too, remember wanting to avoid church. I remember sitting alone in the back and weeping. I wish I could hug you. I pray for you often- that you will find healing and comfort even in the midst of this searing pain. He is holding you. - Bonnie in Indianapolis

Devon said...

oh i so understand....its been almost 3 years and now (almost) can sit through worship without crying. it is so, so hard. hang in there.....take each moment as they come. don't think about tomorrow. just focus on today and know that god will give you the strength and grace to get through the moments as they come...

 
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