Monday, January 10, 2011

I've come to realize...

I have been acting stupid lately. Well...not really stupid...but stupid is the best way I can describe it.

I miss Joshua. It's that simple. My grief and my pain of his absence sometimes suffocate me. And I need someone to blame.

So I decide that God is a good one to blame.

I use the excuse that He could have reached down and saved my sweet baby. I tell him that I'm angry at Him for not saving Joshua's precious little life. I tell him to go to hell because I don't want anything to do with him.

That is stupid. And selfish. And awful. Plain and simple.

I love God. I have always loved God, and I will always love God.

I'm not going to lie. Yes, I'm angry at Him. I know that He could have reached down and chosen to save Joshua. But I also realize that He has a bigger purpose and that He is in control of everything.

I will never know why God chose Joshua to go Home on day 51. I will never heal from the pain of my loss. But that doesn't mean that I need to be angry with God for the rest of my life. It's OK to be angry at Him now, as long as I don't let that anger dictate who I am in Him.

I am still His daughter. He has chosen this path for our family for a reason. He is still ultimately good- VERY good. And although I'm angry at Him, I trust Him. I trust Him with my life, with my husband's life and with Caleb and Hannah's life.

I am begging God to heal me. I am begging Him to take this anger from me. I know He will, when the time is right. I'm begging Him to make Himself evident in my life again. God promises to never leave us. He promises to always love us. Right now I am choosing to cling to those promises until I feel them again.

Thank you all so much for lifting  me up to God when I just possibly couldn't do it any more. Thank you for praying me through these past few days. I praise God for providing me with such amazing friends who will stick by me and lift me up when I am weak.

But above all, thank God for remaining constant even when I am at my ugliest.


Beth W. said...

We are always here praying for you, Jill. Keep clinging to His promises.

Jaymie said...

I check on you almost every day. I pray for you even more often than that. Sometimes my prayer for you is short, other times it stretches through the day. Yesterday was one of those days. I prayed for you often. When I read the bible, I read it for you. I wanted God to show me what you needed to hear. I dug into the book of Job. I'm sure you have read it, maybe you are reading it now. If not, maybe you should. I think you could relate a lot with job. Two things I got from it, that were especially for you. God WILL heal your pain, you WILL laugh again, although it seems you won't. You WILL feel joy again, though you aren't sure where you will find it. (The awesome thing about this particular verse is the laughter will flow from your heart, and then the shouts of joy from your lips. Job 8:21) And the other thing I noticed was about Job's friends. Job's friends saw that his suffering was great, so they said nothing. They just sat with him. We obviously, use our words (this is a blog, and it would be a lonely one if we didn't talk) but I just wanted you to know that I take time each day to just sit for you. To just mention your name to God, and let him do the rest. We(I) love you, and are lifting you up.

Mike Skiff said...

Think about your entire family & pray for you often. It is perfectly normal to be angry with God, I've felt PRECISELY the same way at times - thanks for staying honest and transparent in your posts!

Angela said...


nabrissa said...

we got you girl!!! ;0) continue to cling to him, through your anger, and if you forget to, we'll hold you up close to him 'til you have the strength back to do so... be careful though; Satan's got you in the me, me, me dance right now, which is only the natural thing to do, but the natural way is a destructive way; it will destroy you if you stay in it too long and that destruction will slowly creap into other aspects of your life and bring destruction to them also... you don't want that, but it is the natural way this is why i pray that you not lose sight of His goodness. Be intentional about noticing the good thing He's doing in and around you everyday, and cling to matter how small and praise him for them...yes PRAISE him...Remember how we have both found it to be true: the healing there is in Praising Him... remember the power it has. we've both experienced it before, so as your sister in Him,and as a friend who loves you SOO SOOOO much, i want to remind you to praise Him, even though your pain, ESPECIALLY through your pain, Give Him Praise...that is where some healing may come... even if you don't want to praise Him in public (at church) yet, do listen to praise and worship music in the privacy of your home (i remember that is one of the things you'd do before), just focus on the reasons for praise, the reasons that are His, not the reasons for sorrow, the reasons that are ultimately Satan's...and remember, by being angry at/with him, by steering clear of Him, you are not punishing Him as much as you most def. are hurting yourself ... i love you.. i know what i have to say isn't always what you want to hear, and i'm sorry for it, but it's thing we all need to be reminded of, particularly in the midst of difficult times...

The McCammons said...

I read you blog every day, I pray for youand your family every day, and I awe at you as a inspiration everyday. You are so full of strength and you are so right, God will bring you through it and help heal your pain and anger in his time. Just keep talking to him. Many rayers and hugs to you all.

The Porn Widow said...

When I lose someone close to me (and I've lost a few)I find it helps to remind myself that this person I lost was God's own child long before they became my anything. No, I haven't lost a child so I imagine your pain is tenfold any pain I've ever felt. But the concept is the same. It helped me, I hope it will help you. I've been praying for you, even doped up! I will pray for you still. You're amazing.

McEngland like the McCountry said...

Two things to remember and they are not profound but they are so very true...
1: God can take the anger, the "go to hell" the "I'm done with you" because if you didn't have the gift of Faith in God, you wouldn't be mad or blame him. God can handle your blame and your grief because it means that you believe. God is real and you know it.

2: God lost his son too. If anyone knows exactly how you feel, it's God. He's felt your grief in a way that someone like me, who hasn't had the misfortune to lose a precious child, could never begin to imagine. Maybe the side effect of your endless grief is that you have a better understanding of God's perfect love than the rest of us.

Again, I am so sorry you lost your beautiful beautiful son. I promise you, he meant so much more to people than you'll realize. From a pediatric nurse's perspective, he was very loved and is very missed by more than you may even realize.

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