God

He's been through it all.

He's carried us, sustained us, provided for us, and loved us.
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These past few weeks have been rough for me. Thanksgiving, decorating for Christmas, Joshua's 2 month anniversary in heaven. All of those things were awful and constant reminders that he's gone.

For a few of those days in there, I truly felt like giving up. Nothing brought me happiness. Nothing brought me comfort. I wanted it all to end. And to be 100% honest, the only thing that kept me from doing anything horrible was Shane, Caleb, and Hannah.

Then I realized. I hadn't been reading my Bible.

I picked up my Bible on Tuesday for the first time in about a week- maybe longer. It's so easy to get out of the habit of reading it.

When I stopped, I quickly became consumed by the grief. The pain became suffocating and physical. The flashbacks began again. The pain, the grief, the loss- those were the only things I could think about.

I thought I had lost my freaking mind!

But then a friend told me to read Lamentations 3. So I did.

It was like a light bulb came on. DUH....I haven't been reading. I'm hungry and I want need more!

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For as ashamed as I am that I fell away that quickly, I'm also thankful that it happened. That short time of darkness brought so much Light into my life.

I'm not afraid to admit that during my time away from reading my Bible, God and I fought. More accurately, I fought while He patiently listened and waited for me to get it out of my system.

I will be honest:

I told God to flat out "Fuck off." (I'm sorry for that language...i don't normally use that type of language)

I told him how pissed I was at Him.

 I told Him that a good and gracious God wouldn't have allowed my baby to be taken from me. And if He did allow it, He most certainly would have protected us from the attacks that followed Joshua's death. But He chose not to do either of those things, and Shane and I were left to pick up the pieces.

I threatened to walk out on Him- turn my back completely from His love and grace.

I told Him that I hated Him.

You know what His response was?

I love you. I. LOVE. YOU. You are my daughter. You can be angry with Me, just like you allow your children to be angry with you. You can scream nasty words at Me. You can scream hate at Me. You can tell Me how angry you are with Me. It's ok. Nothing you do or say will change My love for you- I can handle your words.  I know the depths of your heart. You don't really hate Me. You will get past this, and you will still live your life for Me.

I love Joshua. I love Shane and Caleb and Hannah. I am enough. My love is enough. My grace is enough. My mercy is enough.

I lost as Son too. I allowed Him to suffer. I allowed Him to be ridiculed, tortured, and crucified. Remember? I did it for you. I did it so Joshua, Ayden, Luke, Cora, Ewan, Noah, Caleb, Steve could all be with Me. Forever.

 I created your feelings in my image. I felt those things too when I lost My son. I can handle your words. I am enough. Trust in Me.

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Have I told you lately how good God truly is?

 After the nasty things I shouted at Him, the hate that spewed out of my mouth, the anger and hurt- He still loves me the same. He has forgiven my nastyness because I truly am sorry. He know the depths and desires of my heart. And I love Him.

Every day is a battle. The pain is raw and fresh at times. The tears flow freely. But God can handle it. He will carry me when I just can't do it any more. He will provide the rest that my heart needs. He is enough.