Thursday, December 9, 2010


He's been through it all.

He's carried us, sustained us, provided for us, and loved us.

These past few weeks have been rough for me. Thanksgiving, decorating for Christmas, Joshua's 2 month anniversary in heaven. All of those things were awful and constant reminders that he's gone.

For a few of those days in there, I truly felt like giving up. Nothing brought me happiness. Nothing brought me comfort. I wanted it all to end. And to be 100% honest, the only thing that kept me from doing anything horrible was Shane, Caleb, and Hannah.

Then I realized. I hadn't been reading my Bible.

I picked up my Bible on Tuesday for the first time in about a week- maybe longer. It's so easy to get out of the habit of reading it.

When I stopped, I quickly became consumed by the grief. The pain became suffocating and physical. The flashbacks began again. The pain, the grief, the loss- those were the only things I could think about.

I thought I had lost my freaking mind!

But then a friend told me to read Lamentations 3. So I did.

It was like a light bulb came on. DUH....I haven't been reading. I'm hungry and I want need more!


For as ashamed as I am that I fell away that quickly, I'm also thankful that it happened. That short time of darkness brought so much Light into my life.

I'm not afraid to admit that during my time away from reading my Bible, God and I fought. More accurately, I fought while He patiently listened and waited for me to get it out of my system.

I will be honest:

I told God to flat out "Fuck off." (I'm sorry for that language...i don't normally use that type of language)

I told him how pissed I was at Him.

 I told Him that a good and gracious God wouldn't have allowed my baby to be taken from me. And if He did allow it, He most certainly would have protected us from the attacks that followed Joshua's death. But He chose not to do either of those things, and Shane and I were left to pick up the pieces.

I threatened to walk out on Him- turn my back completely from His love and grace.

I told Him that I hated Him.

You know what His response was?

I love you. I. LOVE. YOU. You are my daughter. You can be angry with Me, just like you allow your children to be angry with you. You can scream nasty words at Me. You can scream hate at Me. You can tell Me how angry you are with Me. It's ok. Nothing you do or say will change My love for you- I can handle your words.  I know the depths of your heart. You don't really hate Me. You will get past this, and you will still live your life for Me.

I love Joshua. I love Shane and Caleb and Hannah. I am enough. My love is enough. My grace is enough. My mercy is enough.

I lost as Son too. I allowed Him to suffer. I allowed Him to be ridiculed, tortured, and crucified. Remember? I did it for you. I did it so Joshua, Ayden, Luke, Cora, Ewan, Noah, Caleb, Steve could all be with Me. Forever.

 I created your feelings in my image. I felt those things too when I lost My son. I can handle your words. I am enough. Trust in Me.


Have I told you lately how good God truly is?

 After the nasty things I shouted at Him, the hate that spewed out of my mouth, the anger and hurt- He still loves me the same. He has forgiven my nastyness because I truly am sorry. He know the depths and desires of my heart. And I love Him.

Every day is a battle. The pain is raw and fresh at times. The tears flow freely. But God can handle it. He will carry me when I just can't do it any more. He will provide the rest that my heart needs. He is enough.


Stephanie, Daughter of the Risen King said...

Thank You Dear God. Thank You. Thank You. Praise You. Thank You. All glory for You.

Jill, best blog in a while. thanks youu for being so transparent. i love you.

Deidre said...

.......I'm so thankful for such wonderful inspiring friends that I can (very unfortunately for us!!!) share this treacherous journey with. I love your very blunt, brutal honesty! I love that you can say all the things that I wish I could say but have been condemned and scrutinized for doing so! I love that you are so willing to share your (our!) struggles with God and our immense grief! And I love you dear friend!!! Prayers, hugs, and love to you!

Anonymous said...

I had never read your blog until a few days ago, I follow Neysa's blog and I noticed that she has mentioned you. I just want to say that your words are amazing. YOU are amazing. I pray for you and your family as much as I can. You are allowed to feel all the things that you feel, you are entitled to it. I am so blessed by your words, Thank you for being so honest with your feelings.

Lexi said...

I love Lamentations 3, It feels like a hug to me.
I also love Zephaniah 3:17
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.”

I love that God rejoices over me, even when I can't rejoice for myself.

CHD Fighter said...

Jill ... thank you for being so raw ... I think this is helpful for anyone ... I know as a CHD Survivor/Angel Mom there were many moments I was mad at God for the pain I endured ... I just want you to know this blog can relate to every human being who has struggled in their life and wanted to scream and turn from God ... God knows us better than we will ever know ourselves and while sometimes that can be frightening it's also overpowering and a blessing ...

Thank you for being so honest ... God loves us all!!

Seams Inspired said...

(((HUGS))) sweet bloggy friend. Your passion for God and for life is shining through your blog. May we all be blessed to see Him through you. :o) Thank you for your sharing your heart today.

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

Thank you, Jill, for such a beautiful post...

Christina said...


WOW that actually brought tears to my eyes(as do many of your other posts)You're openness and transparency are amazing. God is truely awesome and He WILL bring you through this store. He is ENOUGH and as you said so wonderfully, he loves us enough to take us being pissed at him. Thanks for this post. I'll be passing it along.

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid I am still in that place, telling him to get lost. He let me down when I needed him most.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Anonymous- i know how you feel. just because i feel this way no doesn't mean that i won't feel it again.

But that is the beautiful thing about a true relationship with God. We can feel that way yet he still loves us. No matter how long it takes us to come back to Him- He is still there. No matter what we do, He will wait for us and welcome us back when we are ready.

This faith is a long and hard road. Nothing about it is easy. But I'm thankful that god remains unchanging and constant.

if you need to chat, please feel free to email me. I would love to talk to you. I promise there won't be any judgement or preaching from me.

the blissful bridezilla said...

i cannot get over how brave you are! to share such an incredible testimony. someone above me hit the nail on the head by saying you are transparent. it reminds us all, that we are human...and trying desperately to love God with all we have while remembering that He does have our best at heart...even when we don't see and/or feel it...let alone understand it.

i love you , i love your writing, i love your testimony, and how you always bring any circumstance...the good, the bad, the ugly...back around to God's goodness, grace, love, mercy, and salvation.

thanks, lady

Lindsay Partridge said...

Your post shook my core. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm fumbling my way through my faith...I have highs and lows with God and faith. I am trying to hard to figure my heart out and to be a good servant, but it's a work in progress. Your thoughts on God's message to you is what really spoke to me. A light came on for me and helped me to understand my internal struggles so much more clearly. I feel so much less guilty for my doubts and questions. Thank you. Keep blogging...I'm starting to depend on my daily dose of Jill! :-)

The McCammons said...

I read each of your posts, don't always leave a comment, but this time I had to. i wanted to say as of yet i could never know the loss of a child, but i lost my mother at 5, and we lost both of our other parets in the last two years. A lot of passings in a short time and I have never had the strength you have. You are such an inspiration and so full of strength and love. Many hugs to you and your family.

Lindsay Clark said...

Hi Jill -- long time lurker, first time poster.

This post really touched me... back when I was a university student in NYC with absolutely no idea of where her life was going, some of my Bible study friends encouraged me to do just this... they called it 'Getting Real' with God. I for sure felt better afterward, and it sounds like getting real with God brought you some measure of peace too.

God bless... people you don't even know are praying for you every night, are praying for you every night.

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