Friday, December 3, 2010

Am I Good Enough?

Joshua's death has rocked me to my core. It has changed the way I think, the way I act, the way I feel, and the way I live. It has made me question if this faith is really worth it. It has made me cry out to God in ways that I would have never imagined any human would need to do.

Before Joshua- before I knew anything about heart defects, death, or NICU life- I thought I had all the answers. I thought life had been tough for us- never having enough money at the end of the month, fighting for a teaching job, trusting that God would provide for our every need.

I didn't know the half of it. I didn't know what surrendering really meant. I didn't know what true heartache really was.

I am changed.

I have chosen Him. I have chosen to be obedient. I have chosen that this faith really is worth it.

Since Joshua's death, we feel like God is calling us to be more.

To do more.

For Him.

We feel like we need to share our story, help others discover Christ's love and sacrifice and take it for themselves.

We have felt the Holy Spirit at work in so many ways- preparing us for something.

But Satan has snuck in. He has knocked me down and taken away every bit of confidence that I once had.

God has provided people in my life to continue to encourage me. He has spoken some amazing words to describe exactly what I haven't been able to put into words.

But Satan knows where my insecurities are. He knows where I struggle. And he uses those things.

I wonder if my faith is even strong enough to share. I wonder if I am good enough, eloquent enough, faithful enough. I wonder if I've gone absolutely insane with my thoughts. I wonder if I will ever be good enough through the blood of Jesus to do great things in the name of Jesus.

I feel lost. I don't know what God is doing right now. We feel Him all around us, but we can't seem to see him. It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong, or if the faith that I claim to have really isn't as strong as I thought it to be. I wonder if satan is working- trying to mix up my feelings and my thoughts to make me second guess myself. I wonder if others see something in me, that I don't or can't see. Maybe I'm not as together as I thought I was.

So today, I'm asking God to fill me up. Give me what I need to trust in Him. Proclaiming the name of Jesus over my life, my husband's life, and my children's lives. I'm asking Him for my daily bread. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm asking Him to make it clear, in His timing, to show us where we need to go and what we need to do.

I am asking for His mercy because it is only through Him that I will ever be good enough.


Melissa said...

God doesn't care if we have all the right stuff to do His Will. He will give us everything we need. He calls those who are open and willing to be used and filled by him. Praying for you! God has a mighty plan for you.

Brissa said...

be patient!!!
and you don't have to be eloquent, strong enough, good enough etc... for him to use you for His glory! you just have to be willing to be used by Him, He takes care of the rest!!! that might be why other see something in you that you're not currently seeing 'cause it's not really you they're seeing; it's HIM working through you! You are willing to be used by Him....that's all he needs, that is what he is and has been working through!!! God's big plan for you has already begun, it's already at work, it might be leading to even bigger things in the future, but it's already started, whether you see it or not...While you're unable to see right now, continue to choose to "walk by faith, and not by sight" ... He is blessing others through you, and He is blessing YOU through all of it as well, just like mama Sexton was saying (even if you cannot see it right now, He is)...

Anonymous said...

Go through the Bible and see who God used. He used Moses who couldn't speak for himself. He used Abraham who lied, deceived, slept with another woman just because he was impatient for God's promise. Not to mention Jacob stole Esau's birthright even though Jacob was the chosen one. Peter denied Jesus 3 times, but Christ called him the rock upon which I will build my church. Christ uses what we think are inadequate people all the time. But He sees us for who we are and what we are in Him. Satan does try to get us sidetracked. But Satan trembles when a child of God is on her/his knees in prayer. Victory is when the winds of life are roaring around you and you are grounded firmly on God's word. Praying that God will reveal Himself to you in a great way so that you will have no doubt that it is Him! Trista

Robin said...

I'm praying that He fills you up too, with peace and love and the understanding you seek. God is so good, and He is already working through you, in more ways than you may see day to day. God bless you and your family. I pray and think about you often.

The Porn Widow said...

This brought Moses to mind for me too. Moses was not elequent. He was no speaker, but God doesn't choose who we as mortals think is best. God chooses who He KNOWS has what it takes. The people who He KNOWS can get the job done. If you feel led to share your story then let no mortal or devil tell you otherwise. You answer to God only. As my mother was fond of saying :

God wouldn't lead you to it if he couldnt carry you through it.

You are obviously seeking God's will first and I know of no better place to be than in the will of God. God bless!

Anonymous said...

Continued prayers for you<3 Remember that He doesn't always use us in the way that *we* believe we would be most useful, but in the ways *He* needs us. Just because you don't see your effect on people doesn't mean it's not there and that it's not giving glory to Him.

Stephanie said...

Jill I do see something in you. I see Christ in you and He sees Himself in you also. When we "put on Jesus" God sees us as his own child. I know you know what it is like to love a child unconditionally and believe that they can do anything. He does have a plan for you and I have faith that will be revealed to you. I think for Him to decide to heal Joshua in heaven instead of earth means without a doubt He has a plan for you because if not, that would make Him spiteful and I totally don't believe God is spiteful. Satan does know your weakness and he will jump at any opportunity to make you doubt yourself, God and any one/thing else. You have already shared Christ with so many other people and have made my faith stronger than it has ever been. You have touched so many people and God is already using you in ways that you could never imagine. We were talking in bible study the other day about taking life not one day at a time but one second at a time to make a promise to love God and love others just from second to second. I pray He fills you up and lets you feel, see and know He is right there with you and pointing the way. BTW if you want to move to GA anytime, my home is always open :) LOVE YOU!!!

lizbaker said...

I'm fairly new to your blog and have only been reading since Joshua passed away. I'm so sorry for you and your sweet family.
All that to say, I don't know you super well, but I just feel compelled to say that it's okay to give yourself time. Sometimes, I get the sense that you want to hurry up and have it all together and pour your life out for other people. Which is noble and awesome, but I also think it will take time for God to repair YOUR heart as well. And that is okay.
I want to speak GRACE over you. God cares way more about you and your relationship with Him than He does about what He can do through you. I think you WILL (and already have) be used by God to bring glory to His name and to love others, but don't feel the need to rush it.
My hubby and I are in full time ministry, and we have this saying that you always see God do less in a year than you want, but more in five years than you can imagine. I think it's really true. Ministry is a long haul thing.
I hope you feel encouraged by this. I've prayed for you many times.
p.s. I know you probably know all this already, but sometimes it's good to be reminded of truth. :)

Alena said...

Jill, I've only been reading for about three days, after finding you via Mompetition, but already I can see how deeply you are struggling, and how much you want to believe. Even though our struggles are COMPLETELY different, I understand - I am there, too. The best I can offer is this: God sees our pain, He knows our fears and our doubts, and HE LOVES US ANYWAY!! I often think that the honesty of admitting hurt and confusion is a very powerful tool that He can use to reach others. Even in your transparent statements of pain and questioning, you give Him glory with every breath. He doesn't want blind followers; he wants GENUINE followers. Much love to you and yours :)

Beth W. said...

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weakensses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9 & 10
Paul originally sought to destroy the early church. God uses us, weak as we are, to bring him glory. Keep your eyes on him and continue to walk in faith.

"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen."
Hebrews 13: 20- 22

Anonymous said...

maybe you should start living for YOURSELF and your family and let go of this whole jesus and satan shit. if jesus gave a crap about you he would have healed your baby...isn't that what you are supposed to believe..that the carpenter can heal all? but instead some red dude with a tail and horns comes in a takes him from you? have faith in yourself and see how far that will take you. much farther than you have ever been before i am willing to bet. take a poll of all these people with CHD babies and see how many put their baby in the hands of jesus and see how many die..and see the people of who put their baby in the hands of doctors and that don't hear the muslims crying out, the buddists, the jews, anyone but the radical christians..go figure..those are the one that are the most infected with satan themselves. that is why all your babies are dying.

Kari said...

God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. Love you.

Carla Sue said...

Jill, I can attest to the fact that if you live for yourself, your life may seem amazing, but there will be a large gaping black hole where God belongs. Anonymous has never known a true relationship with God. And as you know, from my life, gaping holes lead you to look for something to fill it with and what you fill it with will never be good enough. That's what the gutter is all about. Please research CHD babies and the faith of their parents. Please? ;) I love ya kid.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

oh carla...I love you too...

Deidre said...

Jill, you are ENOUGH!!! You are continuing to be used in MY life because of your unfaltering faith. Case and point... This morning!!! God spoke to me and we fought throughout the entire service, BUT when I walked out of the service, I felt nothing but peace, love, and acceptance. Your faith is being used throughout so many people's lives, even those of us that have been Christians for years and have had our faith tested to no end. YOU, Dearest Jill, are an inspiration to so many and loved by so very many as well. THANK YOU!!!! Much love to you and the family!!!

Brissa said...

hey, re-read the story of Gideon in Judges 6 and 7. God called him and he felt the same way you did, and God ignored those feelings and just went with it and you see what all GOD was able to do through him... it's an encouraging reminder!!! tim and i were just reminded of this yesterday as well and it did our hearts and souls good, lots of good...

Heather Warwick said...

I have been following your blog for awhile and I wanted to say that you are so inspiring to me. I can not begin to understand what you feel, but I do understand the CHD world. In fact, my son is in surgery right now at boston children's getting the Fontan procedure and a pacemaker. He has L-TGA, DILV and pulmonary stenosis and VSD. You and your family has such a purpose. Joshua inspired a lot of people. I hope to touch that many people one day. What an amazing little man!!!

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