Stepping Back

I am going to admit something to you all.

I've been trying to keep up. I've been trying to be everything to everyone that needs me. I've been trying to support and love on other families who are battling the same demons I am. I've been trying to remain faithful to God.

I'm tired.

I can't do it anymore.

My grief is too much. There are so many little triggers that set me over the edge.

I am not doing well.

When Joshua died, I took a month. I took the kids to daycare and I literally laid on the couch everyday and did nothing. There were some days that I never even left the house. I went days without showering, didn't eat much, and struggled through each hour.

I continued to blog, facebook, and tweet. I accepted hundreds of new friends on facebook- I don't have a clue who most of them are. I tried to answer every single of the thousands of emails and messages that I received- even if it was with just a simple "thank you." I tried to write thank you cards to everyone who sent us gifts, cards, money, or watched the kids, cleaned our house, made us meals, or helped Shane in my absence (I know I missed some, there was no possible way I could keep it all straight.)

I've tried to continue to keep up with the world, all the while feeling like I'm drowning. I did this because I know there are so many people who have loved Joshua and our family. There are so many who have invested in our family, and have supported us financially, spiritually, and emotionally. And for that I am forever grateful. There are so many who have become my lifelines, my friends, and my strength when I can no longer be strong. Thank you.

However, there are triggers. There are things that set my pain over the edge and it's hard for me to continue.

You see, Joshua's death is a big, gaping, bloody and seeping wound right now. My entire world was rocked by his life and death. My worldview has changed, my faith has changed, and my relationships with others have changed. NOTHING is the same any more- and I'm terrified. It seems like any little thing rips the scab off of this wretched wound and the blood and seeping begins all over again.

Where I once felt safe- I no longer feel safe. Where I once felt like I knew the answers- I throw up my hands in surrender and have to rethink everything that I once knew to be true. The faith that was so strong at one time has been shaken to it's core- it's still strong and growing, but it's changed. My love for God is the strongest it has ever been, but it also has some major healing to do.

With that being said, some of the triggers to my grief and pain are through facebook, twitter, and other blogs. I get angry when I hear about "Miracles" or "Blessings." I get angry that God has answered others prayers, why not mine? I want to scream and say if you child died, would you still love God the way you say you do? Would you be so sure of His hand in your life, or would you run as far away from Him as you can? You see, these are all questions I have had to ask myself.

Why was your child so special? What did I do to deserve for my child to die and yours to live? Did I not pray hard enough? Did I not have enough people praying for him? Did I not trust enough that God could heal Joshua? I know the answers to these questions. I know that it was nothing that I did or didn't do. It wasn't that I didn't have enough faith or pray hard enough. But those are all things I have to grapple with between my heart and my mind.

(please don't mistake my anger as being directed towards any one person- it's not. it's anger within myself. I struggle because I want more than anything to love the children and families of those who have supported and loved us through our darkest days, but I just don't have the energy to do it right now.)

Quite honestly, when I hear that a baby is doing so well, I get jealous. The pain suffocates me. And I have to do what I HATE doing- fake it. (nothing makes me more angry than being fake)

So, I'm stepping away. I'm stepping away from twitter and facebook. I'm stepping away from other heart blogs. I will continue to write in my blog, but I cannot continue to subject myself to the pain any longer. This will not be a permenant thing- I don't know how long it will last-maybe it will be a year, maybe it will be a few months, maybe it will just be a day or two. I will be back. I will be more willing and eager than ever to help support families who are dealing with the awful monster that HLHS and CHD is. I want more than anything to help other families through what we have been through. I just simply can't do it until I, myself, am well. I won't be any good to anyone until I allow myself time to heal.

Please keep in touch. Please continue to email, read my blog, and leave comments. If you have my number, please, continue to call or text. I want to continue to pray for your families and your sweet children. If you need me to pray for you, your children, or your families, I would love to do so, just let me know through email or my comments. I am committed to continue to pray for all the CHD families who have become a second family to me. Don't mistake my stepping back as not wanting to be involved at all- I just can't make this my life right now, I need to guard my heart so that I can come back and be an even bigger support to those around me.

Thank you all so much for your love and support. Thank you for walking this along side us and lifting us up and carrying us through. I cannot continue on without you.

With much love to you  all,