Sunday, November 21, 2010

Reality.

My son is gone.

My heart literally hurts from the pain (and there are some that are very near to me who don't really seem to care).

Somedays I feel like I just don't want to be thankful anymore.

Somedays I just don't want to worship.

Somedays I just want to completely give up.

My children should NOT have to comfort a wailing mother.

I'm not angry with God, but I am angry that he is gone.

(I'm not angry with anyone, just the situation.)

Why my baby? Why our family? WHY?

I feel like people are forgetting. His birthdays, his death day. People are forgetting...or moving on....I don't know which one is worse.

Just when I think I am doing alright, BAM it hits. I just want it to be over with. I'm tired of the literal pain I feel in my chest, I'm tired of the puffy eyes, holding back tears, and putting on a fake smile and pretending I'm ok.

I'm not. My baby, my sweet sweet son. He's GONE.

THAT is my reality.

13 comments:

Bonnie said...

Praying for you sweet Mama! And Joshua will forever be in my heart! Love you!

Charley said...

I'm afraid I don't know if this will ever end, sadly. We grieve all our lives for all those we've loved that have passed away. The way we grieve changes over time, though, and this acute pain will change in some ways, too.

Keep fighting!

Charley
http://girlwiththegoldenheart.blogspot.com

Diane said...

While I have no idea what it is like to lose a child, I do know about grief. My first husband died in an accident when my boys were very young; ages 4 and 5 months. And I had those same feelings you just described. I was angry a lot and felt that everyone just moved on and forgot about us, about him. I even got mad at God too and yelled at Him sometimes.

Looking back, I think most of the people I thought didn't care just really didn't know. They didn't know how long the pain stays with you because they'd never experienced a loss like that or they just didn't know what to do. I did find out later though that we were always on their minds and in their hearts and that they prayed for us often.

I said a prayer for you and your family, that God will hold you extra close and that you will feel His Love and presence and that it will bring you some comfort and peace as you are dealing with this horrible monster called grief.

~Diane

Beverley said...

I think Charley is right.. Jehovah Nissi, be Jill's protector and shield. May she find rest and solace in YOU.

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Cheerylittlegirl

messylifeoflisa said...

I've never lost a child, but I came extremely close. My son was a micro preemie. I was only 24 weeks pregnant when he was born. During the 3 months that he was in the NICU, nobody that I thought I was close to picked up the phone to see if I was okay, or how the baby was doing. Nobody seemed to care about what I was going through. I was hurt and angry. I felt so abandoned by everyone. Now, almost 6 years later, I know it's not that nobody cared, it's that they really didn't know what to say, or how to act around me. And while my life was at a terrifying standstill, theirs continued on.

Josefina said...

I'm so sorry, and you don't have to be okay. You know that, I hope. I've been on the other end, had friends who lost little ones. I never expected them to be okay, and honestly, I just didn't know what to say. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about it. It is a relief to me when they talk about it.

When my one friend lost her daughter, I think I cried every single day for a year and a half. But I have never told her, or anyone. I also never told her what I said to myself, which was that I could never have another child. My heart was torn in two. But, I felt that it wasn't my loss, and I had no right to make her feel badly if she was maybe having a good day. I have never forgotten. I still break down at least once a week, I'd say. It's been years. I still mark the birth days, and the death days. My heart is still broken. I feel so afraid to bring it up to others, though, and to the mamas.

Anyway, I'm sorry to say all that, it's just that I wanted you to know that sometimes people feel more than they let on. It would be better if everyone knew just what to say...I wish I did.

Stefenie said...

Jill,
{{{HUG}}} I have not forgotten about sweet Joshua. He is in my thoughts daily along with Ewan and the other little heart angels I know.

Praying for you!

Angela said...

Jill,

The feeling that people are moving on is the absolute worst. You see life going on around you and wonder why time hasn't stopped. How can people be smiling? Laughing? Don't they realize what you have just gone through? That your heart is broken?

I have found that most of the relationships in my life have changed since Hazel died. Either for the better or the worse. Those that wanted to be there for us stuck around eager to learn how to help. Through my blog I have been able to show and tell them where I need that help. Remembering the 1st and the 14th. Every month those dates are hard. I don't cook for often. I don't respond quickly to emails and phone calls. Be patient with me.

I have found a strong handful of people that have learned and given so much of themselves to help me in this journey. Some have never missed the 1st and 14th and that has meant everything to me. From the support and love I read in comments left by people here, I think the same is true for you. Let them know what you need and how they can help. It is okay to do. Time during the first year (in my opinion) does not make it easier. For awhile it will seem much, much harder. Yet as you always come back to and I can agree, God is Good.

Love Angie

Mother to Hazel 1/1/10-1/14/10 HLHS

Steph said...

It just breaks my heart to read the pain you are experiencing. I cannot imagine what you are going through or what you HAVE gone through. I hate to say I am sorry because that does nothing for you - I feel like nothing can be done but to pray for you. To pray for a feeling of peace to come over you today and always. That doesn't mean the pain will ever go away, that pain of wanting to rip your heart out of your chest because it hurts too badly. I wish that pain could be taken away, but I know it cannot completely go away and never will. I just pray for peace over you and your family. Joshua is peaceful in heaven, but I wish he was peaceful here on Earth with you and your family. Since he cannot be, I know he is an angel watching over his family and wants his Mommy to feel some peace. I pray for that for you. For Caleb and Hannah and Shane. I am so sorry for this grief and pain you have to feel and I wish you peace. I hope you are able to have some peace during what will be a tough week, I am sure for you, with it being Thanksgiving and all. I will pray for you. God Bless you. Take care.

The Sears Family said...

Jill,
There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about you & Joshua.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't pray for you, Shane, Caleb, Hannah & Joshua.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at Caleb, Hannah & Joshua.
There photos sit on my desktop with my own children.
Joshua's earthly body may be gone, but his spirit is never gone...at least for me.
I look in those eyes everyday.
Just thought you should know, I will never forget.
Praying.
Hugs.

Dana @The Sears Fam

Beth W. said...

Jill, Know that you are still in my prayers and I will not forget you and Joshua. I cry for you every time I read your blog. I hurt for you deeply. I wish I were closer to you geographically. I would love to meet you or do lunch some time but I don't know if it would work. I live in Jackson, about 40 minutes from Motts. If you are ever out this way again or can meet in Angola, IN I would love to get together. Be blessed sister.
"I am the ressurrection and the life, he who believes in me will live, even though he dies." John 11:25a

Heather - SCH board said...

Thinking of you Jill. The picture in my mind of Joshua is so precious, I can still see the depth of his soul in those eyes. He is definitely not forgotten.

Mari said...

Jill,
I'm thinking of you. Of your family. I keep typing and deleting additional thoughts from this comment, but words are such a feeble comfort. If I were near -- and I'm not...you're a little far away to stalk ;) -- I think I'd be one of those to give you a silent hug.

 
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