Sunday, November 14, 2010

Random Realizations

Frequently, I pray for my children's future spouse. I pray that they remain well, and that God watches over them. I pray for their lives to be blessed with love, and with His presence. I pray that they will love Jesus and love my children with their whole heart. And while I don't pray for them daily, I do pray for them frequently.

It hit me the other day..I remember, before and after Joshua was born, I prayed for his future wife. I prayed that she would be strong, and gentle. That she would understand the complexity of Joshua's heart, but would love him with her whole heart. I prayed that she would grow up to love Jesus and would be an amazing mother to any children they may have. Who was I praying for? No one? I don't believe God had anyone in store for Joshua since He didn't have a future here on Earth planned for him. (I know that sounds harsh, but it's reality.) Yet another dream and realization that Joshua is gone.

Also, I was looking through the pictures on my phone the other day. I wanted to take a peek at my sweet baby. It hit me, as I was scrolling down that Joshua is no longer with us. Almost 5 weeks ago, Joshua was at the very top in my folder of pictures. As I've added more pictures of Caleb and Hannah, Joshua's pictures are moving lower and lower in the folder. Life is moving on. Joshua is not included. This SUCKS!

Finally, we have been talking about moving the kids toys to their bedroom. I'm tired of the mess in the living room and we have been discussing moving their things. (we decided not to, we think a bedroom is a place to sleep, not play and we aren't comfortable with them being upstairs unsupervised.) While talking about where we would put the toys, we mentioned that we would have to take Joshua's crib and dresser out of the room. Again. He's gone. He has no need for those things.

I hate when it hits me and hits me HARD. I hate when the random moments knock me to my knees in a puddle of devastation. I hate that he is gone.  


Tara said...

Just wanted to say your are in my thoughts and prayers always....God bless.

Anonymous said...

You have AMAZINGLY made it this far ( I would not have) day at a time and one foot in front of the other. Just will make it!!

Christine said...

It does in fact totally suck! I'm praying for you *HUG*

Ausmerican Housewife said...

Ugh, that sucks. We've decided not to take down Evan's nursery. We had just moved the crib in there before Julia died and quickly moved it back to the garage. We put off doing the room up for Evan as long as we could and finally did it all. Taking it down would be just be horrid, only to put it all back together again for *another baby*.


Angela said...

(((Heart Hugs))) from a fellow heart mommy.

Anonymous said...

How challenging it is. One day at a time. One movement at a time. One decision at a time.
I do promise, it will one day be more than one at a time. But don't rush, hurry or feel obligated to move past (how is that even possible?)There is no timeline on grief. And while you need us, there is support from more than one until and beyond.

Douglas' Mom

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for a couple of weeks now. Someone posted about you on a forum I'm a member of. I first have to say what an inspiration you are to me and many others! You are so strong! I admire your strength, and your faith!

I was reading what you said about praying for your children's future souses. I used to do that when i was little. I think I probably got it from my mom. Interestingly enough (without too much detail), after I met my husband, we realized how much, over his life, my prayers helped him! So my point is keep those prayer up.
As far as your son goes, if we are privileged to marry on this earth, then why can't we be married after we die? Heaven is supposed to be better than earth right? I believe whole heartedly that your son will have the opportunity to marry his dream girl on the other side. Someone to spend, not a life, but eternity with. I don't think those prayer are in vain at all!!
I am SO very sorry for you loss on this earth. I know he's waiting for you on the other side, and maybe even watching over you while he waits. Love to you and your family.

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