Saturday, November 20, 2010


How could that little boy have such an impact on my life? How did he cause me to have such a strong love for God? How did he help me to trust in God's perfect plan- even when it seems the exact opposite of what my plan was. How did he soften my heart?

I love getting letters, emails, messages and comments from complete strangers about how Joshua has changed their lives. I love hearing that his life was not in vain. I find comfort in the fact that even though he went through so much, he brought about change in others.

Yet, sometimes I forget the most important change that he made- the change in myself.

That little boy has softened me in ways that surprise me. His broken heart has created in me a passion for others that I have never had before. That sweet little life caused me to look outside myself and view the world from others perspectives. He has caused me to stand up for what I believe in, have more confidence in myself, and ultimately help me to trust God fully.

I can't possibly write about all of the ways Joshua has changed me. That would take an eternity. I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down. I love deeper, trust completely, and feel with an intensity that I have never felt before. He did that. He caused that change (with God's help of course!).

Shane and I have our house on the market. Before Joshua was born, we put it up on the market as a short sale. We knew that the time had come that we could no longer afford it. Now don't get me wrong. We don't have a frivilous house. We have a meager 1100 square feet, 3 bedroom, 2 bath home with a small yard. Our house is 130 years old and the money that it takes to maintain it is unbelieveable. We knew that we were eventually going to have to do something with it, so we decided on the lesser of two evils- short sale over foreclosure.

That being said, I think we are fairly close to an offer. We've had a serious buyer come through 2 times now and he has told us that he is going to make an offer in the next few days. Part of the consequences of a short sale is that we cannot buy a new home for up to 3 years depending on our credit.

We aren't sure where we are going to go if our house sells. We have a house in mind that we can rent, but we aren't sure if we are going to stay in Huntington.

God is working. Shane and I feel strongly that He is not done with us yet. Joshua's story needs to be shared. Our faith and our story need to be shared. Most importantly God's love, forgivness and grace need to be shared! We are confident that God is preparing something for our family and we are patiently waiting for Him to reveal it to us. We are willing and excited to go when he says it's time and we are open to wherever He leads us. We are so excited to see where the next chapter of our lives will take place and what we will be doing.

Without Joshua's life, I'm not sure we would be as confident in God's plan as we are now. I don't think we would be as trusting or prepared for what He has in store for our family.

I miss that sweet baby more than anything, but I'm so thankful to him for the changes that he brought to our family.


Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...


Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...


Do you have a P.O. box where Christmas gifts could be sent to your family?

Thanks, Christine

Paula B said...

My prayers as always are for God's plan in your lives.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

christine- can you send me your email address? i'll email you our address! :o)

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

Awesome! It is:

Charley said...

Thank you for your story of determination and love. It inspires!


Peach said...

Praying for you guys! We're kinda in between homes right now too, so I can understand how intimidating such a large change can be.

Praying for you guys to be placed where you *need* to be placed.

Still Praying,
Peach and Drummer

SoulFull Mama said...

My family will be praying for yours, and I think you've got this ! It's amazing how God can bless us and bring joy into our lives when we accept his will not ours !

CHD Fighter said...

Jill ... I'd really like to send your family a Christmas Card ... please feel free to email me where I can send it to ...

Your blogs are inspiring and enlightening and are helping me as well deal with my grief after the loss of my child!! Bless you!!

Anya said...

When I pray with Jack, who'll turn 3 months on Thanksgiving, in quiet moments when he's just laid out on my lap, I ask him to take his life as a gift that it's been (his heart was repaired at 5 days from birth, and he's continuing to heal). I ask him to live his life as a tribute to his buddies who fought a harder battle than his. I ask him to honor Joshua; Cohen; Ewan; and others. I am humbled into dirt by your experience; Kirsten's; and others' who went through this lightless tunnel, or are still going. I used to get impatient as a new mom when my daughter was a baby. Your posts have granted me a gift of never feeling impatient with Jack. For every cry and every sob, I'm painfully aware thousands of parents would give everything just to hear their child wail away, again. I'm reminded of that when I stumble out of bed at night, tired beyond words, and it births every smile my son sees from me, no matter time of day. I pray for your comfort in any form God chooses to grant it.

kirsten michelle said...

Oh my goodness. I just saw this -- I started writing a post this past weekend about how Ewan changed me (published it today) and I just now saw this one. We really are tracking along together sometimes, aren't we?!

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