I just need to get it all out.

Since Joshua's death, and after all of the attacks that took place, I have struggled with how much information to share through my blog. I have always used my blog as my outlet, to get my thoughts out, process through my days, and figure out how to deal with life in general.. My intentions behind my blogging have never been for personal gain. They have never been to stir the pot, to cause trouble, or to draw attention on a wide scale. They have simply been for me to work through life's difficulties with the support of people who are committed to praying and sharing their experiences. But since the attacks took place, I have been extremely careful with what I post.

I don't like it and quite frankly, if I can't write the way I want to write and share what I want to share, I'm going to stop blogging. I don't want it to come to that. I have blogged (using a different blogging site) for over 4 years now. I don't want to stop. It has become such an important part of my life.

So I'm going to get it all out. I'm going to risk opening myself up for more attacks. I will continue to moderate my comments and delete nasty ones (especially if they are written anyonoumsly- those mean ABSOLUTELY nothing to me)- not because I don't apprecaite differening opinions, but because I am not going to allow people to write nasty things about me. I have never been a weak person who has allowed people to trample over me and treat me like garbage, and I'm not going to become that person now. I am "fierce and fiesty" afterall!

So here we go:

Let me start of by addressing nasty anynomous comments. All I'm going to say that they will never have a voice here. 

Next, I'd like you to know that I do not think that ALL intactivists are crazy evil people. They are NOT! We have been blessed by the intactivists reaching out to support us and love us through our grief. You have no idea how much it means to me when I read a comment that says "I am an intactivist, and while I would not have made your choices, I respect you and grieve with you." I totally appreciate differing opinions. I will even listen to and think about differing opinions as long as they are presented respectfully- and by respectfully I don't mean by telling me that I deserved for my child to die- if you think that is respectful, I think we have bigger issues here.

Also, just because I don't want to lie or not disclose the full truth to so many of you who have really cared about us, (I really hope there isn't an anti group for this one!) Shane and I decided, the day Joshua died, to cremate him. We made that decision within hours of Joshua's death (before we knew of all of the controversy surrounding his death). We are not originally from Huntington, and we don't plan on staying here for ever. We couldn't bear the thought of burying him and then possibly moving far away and leaving him here. I didn't want to post that we cremated him, because I was am afraid that people would attack us for that decision as well. We are not trying to hide anything in regards to his death, we simply want to keep him with us wherever we go, and burying him would not allow us to do that. The coroner signed off on his death last week and he was cremated on Thursday. We are now in the process of looking for an urn which seems to be a tough task. We can't find anything that we love and want to keep him in.

And finally, I want to tell you how I have really felt regarding the attacks on our family. We have heard over and over that the way we were treated was awful, and while I agree, I'm almost thankful for it. It really softened the blow of losing Joshua. It gave my mind something else to think about. The words never really hurt us. They were just words (and from our point of view, they were words with no truth to them). They were hidden behind the anynomous name, and they were nothing but a good distraction to us. So in an extremely weird way, thank you for attacking us (BY THE WAY, I AM NOT GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO DO IT AGAIN!). Thank you for giving us the distraction to soften the blow. But most of all, thank you to those who have loved us, prayed for us, and sent us messages, emails, tweets, and comments in support of us. Your support- knowing that we had people who believed in us and loved us, made the biggest impact on us.

Throughout all of this, my faith in humanity has been reconfirmed. There are more good people out there than bad, parents who are willing to band together to protect each other- and that's why I want to get all of this out. Because there are so many of you who truly care about our family, and I want to keep it as real as possible with you. My relationships in real life are based on truth, loyalty, and love- I want the same for my cyber friendships as well.

Whew....it's all out and I feel good. (although I feel like I need to hold my breath and close my eyes- I'm hoping I didn't just throw myself to the wolves again.....)