Comparing

I had the privilege of spending some time with two beautiful women last night. We shared stories, cried, laughed, and felt a true connection through the struggles of motherhood. All 3 of us have/had special needs babies. Two of us have lost, and the third is still fighting.

Listening to these women's stories, there was an overwhelming sense of community. Even though we don't specifically know what each person has gone through or the specific struggles we each still face, we understand one thing completely: we all love our children and will do what we believe is right and best for them- even if our opinions are different.

There was no judgement, no comparing, no competition between the 3 of us. Just listening, sharing, understanding and a genuine feeling of love for each other.

Often times, as mothers, we do the exact opposite of what I experienced last night. We tend to take on the role of "all knowing mothering goddess". What is right or best for our kids, certainly is best for other's children as well right? We compare our stories, and judge each other.

Something I've found through my grief journey, is that there is competition amongst us. Who has it worse? Me, who sat by Joshua's side for 51 days and watched him die in my arms, or a mother who delivered a still born baby- never getting the chance to see their child's beautiful eyes? Who's loss is more tragic? Who's hurts more? Ultimately, a loss is a loss. Plain and simple. It hurts and it sucks. End of story. There is no comparing.

What do we gain by comparing stories? In the same way, what do we gain when we judge other's for the decisions they make for their families? We feed our kids McDonald's, didn't cloth diaper them, I breastfed, we circumcised and vaccinated, and didn't practice baby wearing. I don't have a clue what attachment parenting is, and I have no interest in eating strictly organic or homegrown food. I used to work outside the home, we rarely put our kids in pajamas, and we will be sending our children to public school.

Do those things make me a bad mother? No way! I love my children fiercely, they are well behaved, well adapted, and we are doing the best we can with the information that we receive and the resources that are available to us. We make choices that are the best for our family at the time we have to make them. We think of their future and want them to be as successful and healthy as possible. Are we right and you're wrong because you choose to do the exact opposite of us? No way! You still ultimately have the same goals and love for your children that we have for ours. Is either of us wrong? Nope, just different!

So why all the fighting? Why all the judging? Why all the comparing? What are we losing out on when we do these things to each other?

Last night, my time spent with 2 very beautiful and very different mothers reinforced what I have been learning since Joshua's death: Mother's love their children. Mother's make choices that not every mother would agree with- and it's OK.

When we fight and judge, we lose out of the fellowship that is so important among us. We lose out on the opportunity for amazingly beautiful friendships. We damage other's self image through our words. We cause conflict and pain that is unnecessary. We miss out on the opportunity to minister to others right where they are. We miss out on the opportunity to love and to teach our children about diversity.

I do not claim to be perfect. We have made mistakes as parents, but one thing is for sure. We are doing the best we can. We love our children with every fiber of our being, and we want what is best for them and (even though you may do things differently) I know that you do too. Isn't that all that matters?