Tuesday, August 24, 2010

One of those...

I swore I wasn't going to be "one of those mom's" who won't leave their child's side unless forced to by a nurse. I swore I was going to trust in the doctors and nurses to care for Joshua and that I wasn't going to be overly concerned about things. I swore I wasn't going to be glued to the monitors and scrutinize every ounce of pee, every hiccup, and every beep.

I was wrong. I've officially turned into "one of those moms."

Today has been rather uneventful. Joshua is doing great. He is completely off of one heart med, and he is stable. Yet I'm still ansty and anxious. Shane has tried his hardest to be content with sitting and doing nothing. He's done great. But he's driving me nuts. I'm perfectly content to sit bedside all day long, in and out of books, facebook, and blogging- he's not. He has gotten me out for a few hours today, but after a while, I get nervous and beg him to call and check on Joshua. He obliges only because he knows that if one of us doesn't call, I will be miserable, making both of us miserable.

I swore I wasn't going to be glued to the monitors, but I find myself watching them contstantly. Making sure he isn't too low on this, or too high on that. I'm constantly looking over at Joshua- making sure his color looks nice and pink and not that awful blue that he was yesterday.

I don't know if I'm terrified that what happened yesterday will happen again- it happened so quickly and without warning, or if I'm just more aware of how truly fragile this child of mine is and I want to spend every moment I can with him- even if just from across the room.

I swore I wasn't going to be "one of those" but here I am- "one of those."

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

you have every right to be "one of those moms". I am "one of those Grandma's". I think I over react more than Beth (Ivan's mom) does. So glad Joshua had a good day. All of you need a little rest. Still praying.
Gale Bagwell, Grandma to Ivan Taylor, HLHS

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the world of being a heart mom (or dad) Take heart - your normal. Trust me, you will look back on this time and laugh. You really will....I know it is hard to believe right now but every single thing you are doing is normal. Every glance at that monitor (I named ours), every syringe full of meds on the "tower of power", every glance to make sure they are still "pink" - yep, all normal. Welcome to your new reality. None of us signed up for it, but here we are. Listening to the beeps, the hiss of a machine as it delivers another breath, Converting kg to lbs, every twitch of the eyes...yes, you are normal. Becoming one "of those moms" was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Shannon Egan

Jenny Lincoln said...

I was absolutely one of those moms too. I think we all are. I remember when Aly was in the PCTU the nurse suggested we go home(a couple hours away) for a couple DAYS. I looked at her like she had lost her mind. Did she really think I was going to go be a couple hours away from my baby and just hang out at home for a couple days?!? One thing the nurses kept saying was to get our rest while the baby was in the PCTU because once they get to the floor "you're on". And they were right. Make sure you take care of you right now while those amazing CICU nurses take great care of Joshua because once you get to the floor it is a shocking difference. You will get to take care of your baby mostly all by yourself. Which I am sure you are looking forward to. :) You are doing such a great job Jill~ Joshua is so lucky to have such great parents. :)
Heart hugs,
Jenny

Anonymous said...

Welcome to our very special club! And enjoy being "one of those moms" who is learning by watching and who will continue to learn and to fight and be your child's biggest advocate. But please also remember to take just a little time each day for yourself - even if only for 5 minutes - because that rejuvenation will be best for everyone, especially Joshua. Praying for continued good days for you all.

melissa

Stefenie said...

I was one of those moms too. In fact one of the residents told us she had heard that we watched the monitors too much and she threatened (jokingly) to remove the monitor from Logan's room if we didn't relax just a little. It is hard. REALLY hard to not worry and obsess over every little beep, number change or any tiny event that might pop up. We know exactly how fragile life is and that is OUR child lying in the hospital bed fighting to live.
Don't feel bad about being one of those moms Jill. It just means you care so much for your little guy! {{{HUG}}}

Amy Schroeder said...

Doctors and Nurses love "those moms!" and rely on them to be the alert system if anything is wrong. You'll know your kiddo so well after being bedside that any small cardiac sign will raise your red flag and, potentially, save Joshua's life.

It is GOOD to be one of "those" moms - welcome to the club! :)

Kathie said...

I think it's almost impossible not to be one of those moms. That's part of how you advocate for your babies too, by knowing everything that's going on. In fact, if you're not, I'd suggest writing down everything in a notebook - from medications, dose changes, etc. The nurses chart but they might miss something and it can be helpful to have your own notes to look back on too.

My husband was the same way about being in the hospital. He had a really hard time just sitting there while I had no problem keeping myself occupied. He would try to get me to leave and I would refuse, because I wanted someone to be with DD. But looking back, those times we took an hour to eat outside of the hospital, go to Borders, or shop the baby clothes at Kmart kept me sane. I would get mad at him sometimes because I felt like he didn't want to be there with DD, but I knew that wasn't true and he was trying to preserve his own sanity too because it can really be a depressing situation.

I do not think I will EVER forget what the desat alarm and tachy alarm sounded like. I was so hypervigilant that even if it looked like her numbers were trending too high or low in one direction I would hold my breath and wait.

Still praying for you, hoping the rest of recovery goes smoothly!

Hope's Blog said...

Welcome to the 'one of those moms' club. You are an official lifelong member...it also comes with being a heart mom. I think the monitors and beeps are hypnotic and they kept me in a trance for hours on end.

My husband was/is the same way. He got me up and out of the hospital and I am glad for it now. Back then it was hard, but I know now that there is not a lot I can do sitting there all day.

We are still praying for all of you and are so happy Joshua had a good day.

Anonymous said...

I know it's tough right now and I'm sure you knew about being one of those mom's beforehand. Just wait till they take off those monitors and tell you to take him home! What do you mean he's not going to be electronically monitored 24/7?! Sure they give you an O2 monitor to spot check once a day and scale to weigh him but it's not even close to having a medical team to back you up at a moments notice. I think going home was tough because then it's up to you. Welcome to living on the edge! I like to think of it as extreme parenting :) Praying in IL~Crystal

Leah said...

Wow, just read every post. You moms are amazing! I'm so happy to hear Jill and Shane have you to share your experiences. You are a special group of moms and dads, that Jill and Shane are now a part of. Jill you are doing great, Shane you are a great dad. Just know that while I will never know Joshua as you do, I'm always here for you and love you all. Hope to see you this weekend. Love you all!

 
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