Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Let me tell you how I really feel.....

As planning continues on, and we are looking more and more at what our future holds, it is so easy to become easily overwhelmed. Tears threaten to over take me, and I am forced to hold back my emotions. I find myself  feeling alone, trying not to be an emotional burden to others, yet at the same time just silently begging for someone to just let me sob and sob and sob. Begging God to take this from us, while putting on the front that we are ready for whatever He has in store. You see, secretly, I'm not as strong as you all give me credit for. 

These past few months have sure been a roller coaster of a ride for us. We have rejoiced, mourned, grieved,  stressed, pleaded, and begged. We have worshiped, trusted, and we continue to give our burdens to God sometimes by the minute. (I've often times wondered if I did this to Joshua. When I sat in the ER gushing blood at 11 weeks, I begged God to have mercy on our sweet little one. I've wondered if God knew that Joshua was going to have this defect and that He was going to take this burden from us through the hemorrhage, but then I begged and begged for MY will- for my baby to live. Stupid thinking- I know.)

These past few days have been exceptionally hard for me. There are so many unknowns in my life right now. Not knowing what our future holds for our family is such a hard thing for me to accept. I want answers, I want the small things to be taken care of so I can focus on the bigger things. I just want life to be easy.

But it's not going to be. We've accepted and even welcomed that fact. We are doing the best that we can, putting one foot in front of the other, trying our best to stay afloat and give it all to God, clinging to eachother with every fiber of our beings. But often times, that is easier said than done.

There are things looming over me that I feel like should have been taken care of months ago. Decisions that should have been in place, selfishly, to help alleviate the stress in my life. But God is working. He is telling me over and over "I will work it out. I will take care of it. You continue doing what you are doing and do it for Me."

Deep down, I have peace. Deep down, I know that God is moving. It's just hard for me to give up control. It's hard for me to accept the fact that my life is going to be changed forever in a matter of a month. It's hard for me to give all of the hard work that I've done over to God and let Him use it as He sees fit. It's hard to give up a calling that I felt and still feel so strongly about.

But like I said, I have peace. God has promised us that He will provide. He has told us that He has it under  control and that it will be managable. So why do I have such a hard time keeping that in the forefront of my mind. Why do I let the human side of me get the best of me? Why do I let other's words hurt and frustrate me? Why do I feel like my life is spinning out of control at an unbelieveable speed?

I just feel the change that is coming. I feel the calm before the storm. I feel God's workings. I'm excited but quite honestly more terrified at what He will do. I am ready and willing to go where He leads us, but at the same time dragging my heals while kicking and screaming like a 2 year old.

Some days I don't feel strong. Some days, I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. These past few days have been those "some days." I guess what it comes down to, is that I long for THE day that I can look back on all of this and see what God's plan was. See how God worked. I just want this all to be done and over with, with God getting the glory but not having to go through any of the pain and suffering associated with it all. I just want to be strong and faithful.

That's how I really feel.


Carolina Carters said...

Hey, I came across your blog through another one (Mason's) and had to stop by. I'm Shannon, heart momma to Derrick. Derrick is 14 months old and has a single ventricle. (He would be HLHS too, but he also has dextrocardia and transposition of the great arteries to add to the mix so he's not "technically" HLHS.)

I completely understand your overwhelming roller coaster of emotions, and unfortunately, there's nothing I can say that will ease that. What I can tell you, though, as difficult as the heart world is, it will change you forever. You will have one of God's most incredible miracles in your very own arms. I can't describe how amazing it is to listen to Derrick laugh or watch him walk. He has gone through more in his 14 months than most people go through in a lifetime, yet he's happy and strong without a care in the world. It's so humbling. It brings tears to my eyes sometimes just watching him because I think about what an amazing gift his little life has been to us.

I still have days when I want to carry the burden of fear and uncertainty and I have to pray hard for God to take those fears away. It's hard. It's unfair. But like you said, God has a great plan.

I'm sorry I've written a book here... I just don't want you to beat yourself up over being scared and feeling alone. Just keep praying...and we'll be praying for you too!

Big heart hugs and lots of prayers,


The Cox Family said...

Well put. I know I can't physically hug you or let you sob on my shoulder, but I welcome it via internet. ;)

Veronica said...

Oh Jill, I so get all of that. I'm there with you. Hugs!!!!

Designs by Dana
© 2011 Designs by Dana
© No content of this blog may be used or re-printed without written permission