After my breakdown last week, I have had this strange and wonderful peace about everything.
It's absolutely beautiful outside, and while it hurts me to walk (round ligament pain or something to that effect) I decided it was the perfect morning to just sit outside with the kids and watch them play in the back yard.
This was the first time in a long time that I actually have felt relaxed and calm and at complete peace.
A few things have brought about that feeling.
First, we have decided not to move. It was a hard decision to make, but ultimately it came down to timing and money. We would have had to claim our rental income as actual income (even though it only pays for the existing mortgage on the house). That was going to be close to $700/month. I'm also praying that we will be able to collect some sort of disability/social security income once Joshua is born. That has the potential to put us at a total of $1000-$1400 extra per month between rental income and social security. Since I'm on medicaid and Joshua will be covered under medicaid we need to keep our income low enough that we will still be able to qualify- if we dont' keep the medicaid, we will not survive with the medical bills piling up.
The decision not to move, has taken such a burden off of my shoulders. I was dreading moving, trying to adjust to living in a new house with 2 small children, adding a new baby to the mix, on top of all of the complications of traveling 2 hours away every weekend, and bringing a new and potentially really sick baby home. It was just a lot of change all at once, and I really didn't know how we were going to make it work.
Secondly, our house hold projects are slowly getting done. Shane just finished the biggest of the projects- the downstairs bathroom. All that needs to be done is mudding and painting. The house is slowly coming together and once that happens, we may try to sell our house and find a rental that is bigger and cheaper. But that won't be at least for another 6 months if not longer.
Thirdly, I feel a peace about the upcoming arrival of our little Joshua that can only come from God himself. I've come to the realization that there is so much that can happen after he is born. He can have a very classic case of HLHS or he can have a very complicated case of it. He can either live or he can die. Whatever the situation is, I've realized that God is in control. I can do nothing. I can't heal my baby. I can't decide if he is going to live or die. I can't do anything except continuoulsy give Joshua and his life up to God. There is peace in that.
Our next appointment in Indy is this Tuesday, the 18th. Now that the intial shock has worn off, I've got a good list of questions for the doctors. I have a feeling we will both be on information overload again and it will take a few days to get all of the information processed. I feel like this is the calm before the next storm. But....I have peace. I'm really trying to put into practice taking one day at a time, and sometimes even one hour at a time. Please continue to pray that this peace consumes both Shane and myself. Pray for our next appointment- that we will fully understand what the doctors tell us and that we will feel confident in the doctors that God has placed in our lives to help care for our baby.
My Love
Goofy Caleb
Spunky Hannah
Baby Joshua
Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Aug. 16, 2010 to Oct. 6, 2010
Our Rainbow Baby, Luke
Luke
Grab One
3 comments:
Love it! God is so faithful. I'm not trying to be negative, but I read this story once (I can't remember where or anything) about a Mom who was pregnant with a baby they knew would not survive. They had been advised to end the pregnancy, but they chose not to and chose instead to savor their precious time with this child. So they took him places that were special to them, and celebrated things with him and just savored every min of the pregnancy. When he was born they savored every moment with him and held him until he passed to be with God. Like I said, not trying to think bad or sad or worst case scenario, but I just thought that was so special and a neat way to think about things. I am so glad that God has given you His peace that surpasses understanding. I hope that you can savor this time before Joshua is born, this "calm before the storm." Take time to savor the special moments. I know you already are! Love ya! Hope I didn't upset you.
Here is some information for you:
1. because you have been determined medicaid eligible, you cannot be taken off of Medicaid because of income. You can make 1 million but cannot lose your Medicaid. The worst that can happen is you would be put on Emergency Medicaid which just covers things related to the pregnancy in an emergency, and delivery is considered an emergency.
2. Since you are on Medicaid Joshua will be eligible for Medicaid coverage for 1 year no matter what your income. All Medical expenses will be paid by Medicaid after your primary insurance pays. The copays from your primary insurance will be picked up by Medicaid so you will have no out of pocket expenses for him until age 1.
and since you are eligible for Medicaid...you are eligible for Children's Special Health insurance...federal govt fund...Joshua has a heart condition he will be born w/... HLHS is on the list. The social workers at St. V's should help you with this, or you can call them yourself if ya want (I have the # too!)oh...I believe it will cover him til he's 21 yrs old.
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