When I was diagnosed with the Subchorionic Hemorrhage, I felt like life had come to an end. The news was devastating and the worry and fear were real. I found a forum on babycenter.com for women facing the same things and going through the same ordeal. They were a great source of comfort to me. I still belong to that board and am thankful for each of those women. They were and continue to be a real life saver.
However, I find myself dealing with jealousy. Some of the very women who were and are such a great source of strength to me are getting very close to delivering their sweet babies. I tear up reading their posts about getting to hold their babies, and love them and knowing that everything is ok after so many months of bedrest and worry. I truly do rejoice with them when they have their baby safe in their arms.
But I find myself wishing and whining that it's not fair. After so many months of worry, fear, and prayer, I don't get to rejoice with them. Instead my baby gets to be whisked away immediately, hooked up to machines, and even possibly ventilated. I don't get hold him and know that everything is ok. I don't get to kiss those sweet chubby cheeks that I thought would never even be fully formed. I don't get to nurse my baby, snuggle with him, or even change his diapers.
I know this post sounds very whiney. I know it sounds like I'm complaining that "it's not fair." The truth is, is that it's not fair. But that's ok. My biggest struggle in all of this is just the simple fact that I don't get to hold my baby. I know he is in God's hands. I know that I should be worried about the surgeries, but God already has that under control. I feel like I am mourning a loss. Even if that loss is just holding my baby and missing out on all of the joys that go along with having a new baby. I guess this is just one more thing that I need to give to God and find Joy in the simple fact that I will still have a baby. There are so many parents who don't get that privelege. I need to be thankful that even though it's not going how I planned, that I will still have a baby to care for, it will just be in a different way.
My Love
Goofy Caleb
Spunky Hannah
Baby Joshua
Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Aug. 16, 2010 to Oct. 6, 2010
Our Rainbow Baby, Luke
Luke
Grab One
2 comments:
I think it's ok to complain sometimes Jill. This has been a stressful and exhausting journey for you, and then you find out it's only beginning.
I have cried so many tears for you, I can't even begin to imagine how this must feel.
Hoping you feel better as the day continues...
I will continue to pray.
Hi! I found your blog here from babycenter. I am "mamalots" there and am also a member of the SCH and CHD groups. I have had two SCH, one with a live healthy baby, and one with a 12 week loss. I am pregnant again, 20 weeks. I had been worried about another SCH, but instead, we have a CHD baby boy, HRHS. I know HRHS is not quite as life threatening as HLHS but I am going through the same feelings that you are as we face the three surgeries and the unknown. The mourning of how it will all be after baby is born. I have always roomed-in, exclusively breastfed, and took my baby home ASAP. None of that will be happening this time and it is devastating. I'll be praying for you and your baby and stopping by often as we both go through this. Hugs!!
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