This morning was not like yesterday morning. Yesterday I woke up and sobbed and sobbed. Gut wrenching- hyperventalating sobs. I didn't even attempt to put in my contacts or wear mascara. I cried at random times throughout the day. I was grouchy, tired, and worn down.
Today, I'm still feeling tired and worn down. In the shower, I started to feel sorrow like I have never felt before. I allowed myself those few minutes of sorrow, but told myself that once I get out of the shower, I needed to stop. While drying myself off, I decided that I was going to wear my contacts and mascara. Then came the headache. I just want to crawl back in bed and sleep the day away. Sleep away the waiting. Sleep away the not knowing. BUT.....Hannah reminded me with her sweet innocent kisses and pats on the back that I don't have that option. The only option I have is to carry on. Choose to love my children, my husband, and God. Choose to praise God for what He is doing, even if I don't understand it and DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE. I need to choose to serve the families I serve through my job and I need to do so joyfully.
So, against every grain of my being, I am choosing to continue on today. I am choosing to worship God by continuing on as normal. I'm trying to get over my grouchyness, and my desire to forget everyone and everything else. I already know that my patience is going to be tested today. It was tested from the moment I left the house yesterday. I know that I am going to have to make a conscious effort to turn my attitude around, and I know I am going to have to spend my day in and out of prayer.
Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support. Your words of kindness throughout the day are what keep me going. Surprisingly, I have not been able to talk about all of this in detail with the few exceptions of just a few people- I just don't feel like I'm ready. But for some reason, blogging has provided an amazing God given outlet for me.
My Love
Goofy Caleb
Spunky Hannah
Baby Joshua
Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Aug. 16, 2010 to Oct. 6, 2010
Our Rainbow Baby, Luke
Luke
Grab One
5 comments:
Hey Jill,
I know you are reminded daily to pray, to lean on God, and to remember he has a reason, a will, a something for this to happen. I love your posts, they are very raw and honest. I think it shows that Christians don't just feel happy about everything...
But instead of working to go to God remember you are already in his hand, don't feel guilty about naps and relaxing... do it and honor him when you get out of bed by being a rested praying mommy.
i was told Sunday that as a Christian we believe that Christ came to this earth, fully man and fully God, and predicted his resurrection, died on a cross, rose, and is coming again. If no prayer is ever answered, if bad things happen, if life is awful, we are still Christians because we believe in Jesus, not in answered prayers. 26 and still being taught to look at things outside the box :)
I am not saying God doesn't answer prayers, I'm saying if he doesn't he is still God.
You are an incredible witness, I pray you can feel the arms of our Savior around you this pregnancy.
i wanted to edited that, hope it makes sense.
Annie- you are so right....we are still Christians becuase we believe in Jesus even if prayers go unanswered. Thank you for that reminder today. :o)
Hi Sweet Jill,
I've been praying! The feelings of loss, the uncertainty of what lies ahead and the over riding desire for Joshua to be safe, healed, whole and full term...these have been mine as well. Your ability to write what you feel and think is truly amazing! Please continue to do it for yourself, no one has to agree, or even chose to read it, it's yours!
Various bible verses have been on my heart and this is one that I return to, often :}
This is the Amplified...
Love you and yours, always
Aunt Lori
James 1
2Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.
3Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.
4But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.
the verses i keep going to lately... same ones i shared with Alyssa when she was struggling about josh's job decision, same ones i keep going back to when i start to worry about our big move, same ones i want to share with you at this time...
Ps 31:14-15: 14 But I am trusting you, O LORD, saying, “You are my God!” 15 My future is in your hands.
Ps 42: 5 : 5 Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God.
Ps. 71:14: 14 But I will keep on hoping for your help; I will praise you more and more.
Phil 4: 6-7: 6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
love you...
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