thought consuming....

I'm amazed at how much HLHS consumes my thoughts these days. When I'm not busy caring for my two little ones, or working, I find myself thinking. Wondering what Joshua is going to look like, how much he will weigh when he is born, what color hair he will have. I think about labor, and getting an epidural, and hope that I will only have to push for the normal 5-10 minutes that it takes for me to push babies out. You know- The normal pregnancy stuff.

But those thoughts eventually end, and then I start wondering if we will get to bring him home, how he will look connected to tubes, monitors, and machines, how I am going to be able to bond with him without being able to hold him, nurse him, rock him. How he know he is loved when I may not even be able to touch him....

I find myself wondering what size clothes to get for him, not knowing how long he will be in the hospital for. I think about buying him cute little hats and socks for the NICU stay. I find myself thinking about the tatoo that I'm going to get after he is born in honor of his sweet little heart and his sweet little life. I find myself thinking about funeral arrangments (I know- so morbid.....) and coming home celebrations after his 2nd surgery. I dream about how special his first birthday will be....his 2nd....3rd....4th.... such an odd range of thoughts....death, life, fighting....all in the same moment....

Don't get me wrong....it probably doesn't read this way, but these thoughts aren't worried thoughts....they are just simply thoughts that come....i haven't cried in over 4 days (which if you know me, is a BIG deal...). I'm doing alright...my mind is slowly wrapping around what is happening, my heart is slowly healing, my emotions are slowly becoming more mild. I feel like I can feel again. I feel like instead of having to gasp for air, I can take short shallow frequent breaths. It's all different than what it used to be, but it's coming back....It's going to be alright.....I am going to be alright....We are going to be alright....Joshua is going to be ALRIGHT.

(I feel like this post is all over the place...I hope it wasn't too hard to follow....just trying to get my thoughts down....)