Saturday, April 24, 2010

I have never....

longed for anything in my life, like I long to hold my precious baby boy in my arms.

I feel like if I could just hold him in my arms, I could protect him from the upcoming surgeries, pain, suffering, and heartache. If I could only hold him, my heart would stop aching, and my mind could finally be at ease. I could heal his heart and we could live a normal life. If only my arms could heal. If only my love and protection could keep him from the pain, suffering, and danger. I have never longed for anything more in my life than to just hold this precious child of mine.

I long for these things with all my being although I know that in all reality, I may not be able to hold my baby boy until after the surgery is complete. I may only be able to hold him and love him for minutes after birth and not again until he is over a month old. Nothing pains me more than to know that I will not be able to nurse him, hold him, and mother him like I did so naturally with Caleb and Hannah. My heart aches and mourns for the loss that I have already let myself experience in preparation for the upcoming first hours/days of Joshua's life. It is my prayer, that no matter how badly my heart aches, no matter how much I mourn, no matter how much sorrow I feel, that God has His hand in it. It is my prayer that God's arms provide all that I can't for my precious baby boy. It is my prayer that God's arms provide MORE than my arms could ever provide for Joshua. It is my prayer that those same arms, wrap around me and Shane and provide all that we need.

I have never longed for anything so strongly in my entire life. To hold my precious baby boy in my arms and love him with all of my being.

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