Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Raw Truth

I'm not going to post this post on facebook. If you read it, great, but I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is just me processing through things once again.

Here it goes. Take it or leave it. Like it or hate it. It is what it is.

I finally got a hold of the doctor after my 3rd call to find out what the ultrasound shows. I had gotten my hopes up. I knew I should not have, but I did. Like a freaking idiot, I got my hopes up. The news that I got was not extremely horrible. It's just bad to me becuase I'm a moron and got my hopes up.

The nurse told me 2 things.

1. The hemorrhage is not gone. It is about the same. Not bigger which is good news, but bad news when I got my hopes up that it had shrunk or disappeared completely. I don't know why I was so stupid. The same restrictions apply now. Light work only, no heavy lifting, taking it easy. I don't have to be on strict bedrest, I don't even really have to be on modified bedrest, I just need to take it extremely easy. Too bad my finances and my children won't let me take it extremely easy. I have a life outside of this pregnancy that needs to continue on, and can't do so without me carrying my weight.

2. The spot on the baby's heart is called a "large echogenic focus." They told me it's nothing to worry about just some calcification of the heart, but that they want to send me to Indianapolis on the 20th for an echocardiogram on baby's heart. Fine....but I'm not stupid. I know how to Google (don't worry, I didn't google it....I was warned not to.) I have friends in the medical field. I can get information. So I would rather them be upfront with me. (not specifically them, but anyone in general....don't sugar coat things...tell me upfront what I need to know.) Here is what I do know- This can be an indicator of Downs or Trisomy 18. It could also very likely be nothing at all. From what I've been told, the chances of downs or trisomy 18 are very small, and the chances of it being absolutely nothing are very good. HOWEVER, there is a chance. I don't want to focus on the negative, but I do want and NEED to be prepared.

Where does this information leave me?

Emotionally: Right at this very moment, I'm a mix of awful emotions. I'm scared to death, frustrated, pissed off, and most of all worried. Are these feelings rational? yes and no. I think it's human instinct to feel this way, but at the same time, none of these things are going to help the situation. Will I be in this dark depressing place for another week? I don't think so. This stuff hits me, I freak out, and then I slowly start processing. That's what this post is all about...helping me process....

Spiritually: I'm questioning why. Why me? Why the baby? Why this? Why the hemorrhage? Why throw the heart thing on top of it? This sounds completely self sacrificing, and completely arrogant, but I gave up my desire to teach to work in ministry. I answered God's call on my life to do something more. My family has given up financial stability to live a life that is pleasing to God. We have said "Yes God, use us." I'm reading His word daily, I'm praying almost hourly, I'm keeping my faith as strong as I possibly can through all of this. But why?! After all I've done to try to glorify God and follow Him, why does this still happen? Is this some sort of trick to see how strong my faith really is? Is this Satan attacking us at all angles? Is God testing me? Am I just a complete nut job?!? Have I lost the last amount of sanity I had? (after rereading this paragraph, I look at this and think how selfish am I? me, me, me, I, I, I......)

I'm tired. SO SO SO TIRED. Part of me just wants to give up. I want to stop fighting (whatever that may look like- who knows). Stop worrying. Throw my hands in the air and let the little white flag go up. Part of me says that this staying strong in my faith stuff is for the birds....But the realistic part of me knows better than that. It has been my faith that has gotten me through this, and will continue to do so. It is my faith that keeps my perspective on things clear. It is my faith that will ultimatly save me from destruction. But I'm tired. I'm honestly not sure how much more I can take. I don't think I'm strong enough to take much more.

God- you are the only one. I once again give this to you. I want so badly to cling to it myself. To try to fix things myself. I want that control in my life. But God, you are the only one who can control what happens. I'm begging you God, keep my faith strong.  Pry this control out of my clenched fists. I don't want to hang onto this. I'm begging you to take this burden from me. I'm begging you for multiple miracles. God, I don't feel as strong as you give me credit for. God, I say to use this, but I don't really want to face the reality of what that could look like. God, I'm scared and I'm tired and I just don't know how much more I can handle. Please, I beg you. In Jesus Name.

5 comments:

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

if you made it through this post you deserve a gold star! it's long and full of crazy talk. pat yourself on the back for making it through!

Leah said...

Wow. You know, my faith and prayer life have grown ten-fold. Since my 1st prayer for Joshua. God has been working in all things for this awesome life you carry.
Don't apologize for your fears, anger, insecurities...you are entitled to them. You won't give up, it's not within you to do so. Allow yourself the time to feel, process, then deal - one minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time.
Know who you can count on and let us help, in anyway, big or small.
There are some scary words in you blog, downs, Trisomy 18, they make the 20th seem so far away. But God know the health of Joshua, has counted each hair on his tiny head, and He will guide you through it all.
As for ministry, there are many kinds, shapes, venues...this bolg is just another of you gift. And you use it will.

Leah said...

Another of your Gifts, you use it well

Mommy K said...

From what I've learned over the last few months, I don't believe these are "tests," but I believe God allows difficulties in our lives to expand us and accomplish his destiny in us. Every circumstance we live through changes us, better or worse. It changes how we react to future circumstances, other people, and the combination of all these circumstances and our response to them will ultimately affect decisions and paths in our lives. It is the circumstances of life in which God grows us closer to Him, gives us confidence in Him, and shows us His love for us. And if you remember Job...he was rewarded above and beyond for his faithfulness even after losing everything. God did choose you. He chose to grow you because He has a plan for you. And a plan for Joshua! All of this is emotionally draining, I can imagine. And you do need to work through your emotions. But, I do believe that my daughter is able to do things I was told she could never do simply because I prayed and I fully BELIEVED she would do them. So, keep praying. He will give you His strength, because you are right...you probably can't do it with your own. Keep praying and reading and TRUST in God's will for your lives. He does know the end of the story already. And the bible says He works for the GOOD of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I feel for you during this time and know the pain of the unknown. I'm living it every day right now. But, my better days come when I don't research and just trust God. When I accept that God will take my hand through anything I go through.

Also, I consider it a PRAISE that these calcium deposits on the heart don't affect his heart function or development! The chances of it being an indicator of something serious is very low, like you said. And, we will just be praying it goes away in your third trimester and you can stop worrying. =)

Rest in Him. That is His plan for you right now...

The Cox Family said...

Girl, some awesome people have already given you so awesome advise. I think it's only natural to question. I have seen so many families go through hard times and go through these same emotions. It's normal. I think that God is still preparing you for something great! He never gives you more than you can bear and He trusts you. We will all be praying you through all of this. I think the hardest part is the waiting and the unknown. No matter what happens God will get the glory! Praise Him for that! Love you girl! Praying!

 
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