Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Not Connecting


It's already October.

The time period that Joshua spent alive is coming to a close…again.

October 6 is when my world changed forever.

It's a day that represents the loss of my ignorance. It's a day that thrust me into an unknown world of grief, disbelief, anger, mistrust, and questioning.

It's a day that I saw the ugly side of humanity.

It's been 4 years since I lost it all.

4 years….

A lot has changed since then. New home, another child, new jobs, new vehicles, relationships dissolving, relationships strengthening, a new church home, another loss. My life looks nothing like it did 4 years ago, and for that I am thankful.

But it's difficult to connect that old life to the new life.

My mind has forgotten the pain. It has forgotten the trauma. It has forgotten the details. It tricks me into believing that none of this happened. It allows me to step outside of my pain and think rationally again.

My mind has freed me from the grips of slavery that grief held over me.

But my heart has not.

I have such a difficult time connecting my head and my heart. How can a heart continue to hurt so badly, even after the details of the mind have become fuzzy? How can a heart hurt so deeply while the mind has freed itself from the pain?

How does my heart continue to feel so broken and empty while my mind tells me how full my life really is?

I just cannot connect the two any more. It's impossible to reconcile the two "lives" that my head and heart live.

This is a weird place for me. It's a place of deep healing, but also of deep pain. It's a place that leaves me clinging to God to find my strength just as much as when both my head and heart were in sync. It's a place that is allowing me to move forward, but at a snails pace. It's a place that allows me to both remember and forget. It's a place that leaves me feeling vulnerable, exhausted, free, and thankful.

Maybe someday, it will connect.

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