Tough Grief Day

I don't write about losing my dad much.

I don't really talk about it much either.

Losing him was different than losing Joshua.

I knew and loved him for 27 years of my live. He was my security, my friend, and my advisor.

But I wasn't the only one affected by his death. (I wasn't with Joshua either, but he was my son, so I can share what I want about losing him.) So, I try to be careful and respectful of what I write about losing him. I never want to make his death about me, it was not.

Honestly, losing my dad was, for lack of a better word,  "easier" than losing Joshua. I don't know if it was the fact that I was still so tattered and torn front he grief of Joshua that I just simply couldn't process losing my dad also, or if it was because he was my dad and as all children do, we  expect to say good bye to parents at some point.  I'm not saying it was easy to lose him, or that I wanted him to die at such a young age, but his loss was different.

It seems that holidays are harder for me with his loss than it is with Joshua's loss. My family was really close with my mom and dad. They moved to our small town from the Chicago area just to be near us. They adored my kids and helped whenever they could. My dad taught them how to garden, drove them on the tractor lawn mower, and let them climb on his head. He was a gentle giant and my kids adored him.

But now he's gone, and we are left 2 1/2 hours away from most of our family. My mom lives a good 45 minutes from us now, also making it hard to see her at a moment's notice.

The holidays get me. Shane works crazy retail hours. It's a great job: good pay with decent benefits, not to mention that he loves what he does. It allows me to stay home with our children. But it doesn't allow for holidays with the family. And that makes it hard.

I used to pack the kids up and go hang out with my parents when Shane was working. That is no longer an option. So the task of parenting is usually left up to me alone. I don't mind it, but sometimes I just want to do something other than hang out at home. I want to be with family without having to drive clear across the state to see them.

I miss my dad. I miss seeing his adoration for my children. I miss spending fun summer evenings over at their house. I miss getting my hands dirty in the garden with him and hearing the same stupid jokes over and over. I miss the quick side hug he would give when we were getting ready to leave- even though we were just going home a few blocks away, and would likely see I'm again the next day. I miss his gentle encouragement, telling me that I am a good mom and doing a good work with my kids, reminding me that motherhood and having small children is hard. I miss his gentle giant presence.

Today I'm struggling with the loss of his presence. The tears are welling up and threatening to overflow today. It just takes a simple thought of him and they stream down my face.

Tomorrow will be better, but today, I'm struggling.